Posts Tagged ‘NFL Humor’

At 12:05 AM in the fifth month of the year 2015, this happened.

https://twitter.com/nfl/status/601252348812468224

Which is fantastic.  It certainly appears that the NFL social media guy snuck into Roger Goodell’s malted liquor cabinet and got himself a couple drinks, sat down and decided to light Twitter on fire with an acrostic message.  Yup.  That’s right.  It looks like the passive-aggressive NFL went all 4th grade poetry on us in a tweet meant to underhandedly deride the New England Patriots and their ever-deflating balls.

They’ve got P, S, and I in there.  And a Colts player, too.  Well done.  Since this was funny, I’m sure the NFL will fire this guy while continuing to employ this guy with the Cleveland Browns.

But this wasn’t the only time last night the NFL decided to try to send out a Nic-Cage-in-every-Nic-Cage-Movie-ever coded message last night.  Here were 7 other tweets the NFL put out and then quickly deleted.

Slide5


Slide4


Slide7


Slide1


Slide6


Slide3


Slide2

FIN

Roger Goodell is one busy dude these days.  He’s running a billion dollar league, has a new crop of rookies to rule with an iron fist until the grovel before him begging for forgiveness take under his wing, and millions of his own to Scrooge-McDuck-Backstroke through in his vault.

So how does a guy like Roger Goodell keep himself organized on a crazy day like the NFL draft?  By meticulously planning out every free moment of his day with a calendar of course.  We were able to obtain a screenshot of what this calendar looks like, only a day ahead of the 2015 NFL Draft.  Take a look.

(*Author’s note: as usual, I apologize for the crappy formatting.  Just click the image and it will expand for you.)

Goodell

FIN

Bill Belichick is one busy dude.  It’s the week of the biggest sporting event of the year and he’s got balls to discuss, asses to kick, and emotions to try to overcome.  Alright, so that last one was definitely a lie.  But he’s definitely got the other two parts of that statement.

So what does a control-freak like Billy B. find himself doing the week before the Super Bowl?  How does a guy with an impeccable organizational structure and planning keep himself right on schedule? By planning everything out during his daily schedule to a T.  That’s how.

Utilizing our top-secret sources, hidden deep within the Patriots organization, we were able to obtain a screenshot of Bill Belichick’s calendar for today’s Super Bowl related activities.

(*Author’s note: as always, I apologize for the crappy formatting, but if you click on the image, all will be revealed.)

Belichick

FIN

Over the last few days we’ve all become certifiable experts on PSI, ball inflation, and have found ourselves inundated with #deflategate and all the insanity the comes with an extra long week of NFL Super Bowl hype.  Yesterday, Tom Brady addressed the media and went into excruciating detail about the minutiae of how he picks out his footballs for use in the games.

He denied any and all allegations of tampering with the pigskin.  Tom Brady, according to Tom Brady, always has and always will play fair.  But you can bet that as soon as Tom stepped off that podium and headed back to his supermodel wife his phone was exploding with text messages.

Fortunately for you, we’ve partnered up with everyone’s favorite perv-hackers – you know, the ones who have made every celebrity cower in fear as they feverishly attempted to delete their sext messages from “The Cloud”— and managed to get just a snippet of some of the texts that were sent to Tom Brady last night.


A confused former Tour de France champion weighed in with his opinion on the matter.

Lance


Tom’s favorite Red-Zone Target wanted to extend his heartfelt support.

Gronk


New England Running back, and most ironically named human on earth, LeGarrette Blount reached out to offer his thoughts.

Blount


Tom’s long-time adversary fired off a quick, parody-song-laden text.

Peyton


Tom was even getting accidental texts last night!

Sherman


Tom received nothing but support from his long-time coach.

Belichik


A mystery texter weighed in with thoughts on a possible replacement, should Brady get suspended.

Tebow


Even the Dallas Cowboys had players reaching out to Brady.

Demarco


Even the defensive players from the Patriots were showing their support for their QB.

Vince


None other than the ‘Ole Gunslinger made a textual appearance on Brady’s phone.

Brett

FIN

Last night, Denver Bronco’s quarterback Peyton Manning broke the NFL’s alltime Touchdown Passing mark, leaping to the top of the heap with 510 TDs and powering past Brett Favre’s previous mark of 508 en route to a beatdown of my beloved San Franciso 49ers.  Much was made over an future hall of famer doing future hall of famer stuff.  We saw the commotion that occurred on the field after Peyton etched his name into the annals of sports history (*Author’s note: which should prove to be only slightly more permanent than that gigantic red-spot on his forehead) and we’ve heard all about his on-field exploits.

But what about off the field?  We may have seen the Twitterverse weighing in as other great athletes paid their respects to Peyton.  But what were some of the more personal, more intimate messages Peyton received last night after making history?

Fortunately for you, we’ve partnered up with everyone’s favorite perv-hackers – you know, the ones who have made every celebrity cower in fear as they feverishly attempted to delete their sext messages from “The Cloud”— and managed to get just a snippet of some of the texts that were sent to Peyton Manning last night.

Here are a few for your viewing pleasure.


Of, course, Peyton’s younger brother checked in.

Eli


And the athlete soon-to-be known as inmate 277-P476 also showed some love.

AP


Peyton’s former owner from the Colts, Jim Irsay took time out from his busy schedule to send a heartfelt congratulations.

Irsay


Longtime Peyton Manning nemesis, and consummate spokesman, Tom Brady sent in a quick message.

Brady


From one QB at the peak of his powers, to another, Florida State’s Jameis Winston sent in a congratulatory message.

Jameis


And The Ole’ Gunslinger even weighed in with a multi-part personal message for Peyton (Part I)

Brett1


Brett (Part II)

Brett2

FIN

This morning the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Pettine, chose a starting quarterback.  Or at least he announced it to the world this morning.  You may have already guessed that, heard it through the 140-character digital grapevine, or even noticed “Hoyer” trending on Twitter for the first time in the history of the universe.

Pettine announced that Brian Hoyer had been “The clear leader from the start” in a statement he issued early this morning to the press.  So that’s how he informed the media, and thereby the public, of his decision.  But that got me to wondering: how did Pettine break the news to Johnny F. Heisman Football?

Here are some theories on how Mike Pettine relayed this devastating news to Johnny Manziel.


Theory #1: By attempting to put the decision into terms that Johnny would understand.

Benched

We all know that Manziel and rapper Drake are pretty tight.  So what better way to let Manziel down easy than some customized artwork that will call to mind his bromance with his favorite rapper?  I’m sure when Pettine hand-delivered this custom album cover Johnny probably understood exactly what had just happened.


Theory #2: By leaving the memo for Johnny in a place where he knew he’d find it.

Benched2

If you want to get a hold of someone, learn their habits and leave them a message where they’re most likely to find it.  I’m sure that Pettine and Manziel’s relationship has had some ups and downs, but if Pettine really wanted to communicate with Johnny he probably knew the best place to get the message across.


Theory #3: By shouting out, “I nominate the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, Brian Hoyer.” Moments before getting the only ice-bath he’ll probably ever get (*Author’s note: Because, Cleveland) in the Ice Bucket challenge.

Pettine

It’s viral.  It’s trendy.  And it’s for a good cause? The only loser in this scenario is the stunned “Uncle Nate” as Manziel spits out his Bud Light platinum all over Uncle’s iPad in shock.


Theory 4: By Rocking a customized anti-Manziel jersey to practice this morning.

Manz

I predict that this jersey will go on to be one of the top sellers on NFL.com.  Pettine better see if he can get a trademark on this one so he at least gets a chunk of the royalties.


Theory #5: By holding “The Decision II: Decision Harder” at a Boys and Girls Club of Cleveland, sitting down with Jim Gray and announcing that Brian Hoyer would be taking his talents to the starting lineup.

Pettine2

After Manziel rolls up a $20, snorts some blow off the chest of a supermodel, gives Jim Gray the finger and does the money sign directly in front of his crotch, the special is summarily canceled and the footage is burned in ESPN’s incinerator (*Author’s note: which is powered by the furnace of hot air spewing from Skip Bayless’ mouth on a daily basis).

FIN

We live in a modern era.  An era in which any NFL owner that goes out, gets plowed, and then finds himself engaging in hyper-sexualized cellphone pics with women who are 50 years his junior will probably get nailed for trying to get nailed.

View image on Twitter     View image on Twitter

It’s all digital now.  Jerry Jones can’t sneak off to the women’s room with some would-be Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders without someone snapping a damning selfie and firing that bad boy off into the Twittersphere.  It’s what’s great and terrible and hilarious and sad about the omnipresent social media presence of today.

So what would happen to a dude like Jerry Jones the day after someone’s cellphone got him in trouble?  His own cellphone would probably be blowing up with phone calls and texts from various members of his “camp.”  We were able to get a hold of some of these text messages through a top-secret covert operative within the Dallas Cowboys’ organization.  Someone with an ax to grind.  Someone who is probably welcoming some of the heat being anywhere else within the cowboys organization.  To protect their anonymity, we’ve chosen to display a blurred photo of the source below.

Romo

Without further ado, here are the texts sent to Jerry Jones this morning.


Garrett


Tebow


Johnny F


Petrino


TO


Springer


Devil

FIN