Posts Tagged ‘Sports Humor’

The news broke yesterday that Nebraska basketball player Walter Pitchford was skipping his senior season with the team.  It wasn’t to go pro.  Or transfer.  Walt P for Degree!  Yes, Walter Pitchford decided that he wanted to buckle down and pull a reverse-version-of-me and focus on schoolwork, seeking to obtain a business degree and launch a career.  Which is truly admirable.

But, in the wake of his leaving the team, Husker fans were left wondering if this was actually what happened.  Was Walt really leaving the squad just so he could focus on his academics?  He certainly seems like a smart dude, a guy that would be open and honest about his intentions.  But, damn it, do I love a conspiracy theory.  Here are my theories on the real reasons Walter Pitchford left Nebraska basketball.

1. Walt P for 1D

Walt1

As I’m sure all of you noticed, and were *totes devastated* by, Zayn from One Direction has left the group.  This leaves not only a big hole in one of the world’s most popular groups, and a gaping chasm in my heart, but a job opportunity.  Walt seems like an ideal fit for this Tween sensation.  He’s cool.  He’s got charisma.  And he fulfills the groups need for a minority.  Check, check, and check.  Also, think how much more fun the lyrics would be with Walt added into the mix:

The story of his life, he drives the lane
He shoots the three, makin’ it rain!
Your ankles. . .are bro-oh-oh-oh-ken.

Or something like that.  I totally don’t know the words to that song.  Really, I swear I don’t.

2.  Pursuing An Acting Career

True

Walt seems versatile.  A renaissance man, if you will.  So perhaps what he’s looking to do, here, is expand his brand a little bit.  I could see him starring in a gritty, brooding, police drama that’s all simmering tension and dark, twisted investigation procedural.  Now, if only we knew a wily, strange, philosophical dude that could play opposite the smoldering intensity of Walter Pitchford, True Detective.  If only we had someone. . .

3.  Working as a Full-Time Manager and Producer for his Boy Band, Terran Terran

Terranterran

I know, I know. Somehow I managed to throw together two idiotic conspiracy theories regarding boy bands in the span of 375 words.  Sue me.  Actually, don’t.  I’ve watched some of the Aaron Hernandez trial and my lawyers wouldn’t have the balls or the bank account to try to make deflategate jokes during the proceedings.

In all seriousness, I think I speak for all Nebraska Basketball fans when we wish Walt the best.  He may not be joining 1D or starring in an HBO series next to Tim Miles, but he did give us a magical run in 2014 that is hopefully still slingshotting our program forward with momentum, in spite of this year.

I’ll always remember Walt fondly for his electric shooting as a sophomore and his UFC looking post-move from this year’s crazy upset of Final Four team, Michigan State.

Also, forget “always having Paris” , I’m just glad we got to have this shirt.

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FIN

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Tim Miles is having kind of a rough year.  After starting the year out with high expectations, and what appeared to be a program on the brink of wave-riding their way down a big Tsunami of momentum carried over from an incredible finish to the 2014 season, the Husker Men’s Basketball team has crashed and burned in Evel Knievel-like fashion.

Miles has tried coaching them up, slowing it down, guest speakers, and virtually anything short of hiring a voodoo priestess to come in and stick pins in Melo Trimble’s hair-doll.  (*Author’s note: he may have done that at some point, too.)  His latest desperate tactic has been locking the Huskers out of their locker room and posh traning facilities at the Hendricks Training Complex.

That means the players will have no smoothie bar, no shower heads with Bluetooth speakers and no players lounge which basically looks like Macauly Culkin’s house from Richie Rich.

So, with not a moment to lose, Tim is taking one last desperate move to fire up his team.  He’s pulling out all the stops to try to get his team motivated for the final few games of the year.  This is the leaked audio of his latest attempt: a stunningly dope rap track and music video.  The words to the song are listed beneath the song.

(Intro)

If you havin’ real problems, I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one.

I got dudes brickin’ threes while I’m grabbing deeze
Haters up in stripes I call ‘em referees
Stinking up the Vault, yo I need Febreze
Bout to snap like a tendon in D-Rose’s knees
I’m from the great white North, more Dakota than Fanning,
Call me the GOAT like I’m Peyton Manning
Underneath this button up I’m built like Tatum, Channing
Taking more selfies than a girl who be tanning.
I’m catching all types’a shit from those Twitter Bros
And Walt P’s in the paint and he’s throwing Bos
Shavon’s so damn smart he’s worried ‘bout Microbes
And I can’t stop staring at Thad Matta’s nose.
I’m getting’ so emotional, startin’ to feel my feelings
And I still don’t know the damn difference between Australia and New Zealand.
From D3 to D1, Son, I Ain’t Dumb
I got 99 Problems, but Hendricks Ain’t One.
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

Well it’s 2015 and I’m so, so def
But standin’ in my way? It’s the motherfuckin’ ref.
I got two choices, ya’ll, shut my mouth up or
Chase down that Douche and start to stompin’ on the floor.
Now I ain’t trying send ‘em to the free throw line
But I got a few dollars I can pay the fine
So he pulls me over to the side of the court
And I heard “Son do you know why I’m techin’ you for?”
Cause I’m nerdy and I’m pissed and you’re screwing my team
And you’re worried I’m bout to turn you into a Twitter Meme?
Should I head back to the Bench, to try to let off steam?
“Well you was getting too loud when you started to scream
Head back to your bench for I throw your ass out
“Now if you’ll excuse, me Tim, I’m goin’ over there to pout”
I ain’t going back to shit, all my gripes are legit
“Do you mind if I talk to those other ref a bit?”
Well the fans are all pissed and so’s the rest of my staff
And trust me when I say you don’t want Molinari’s wrath
“Listen, I’m probably shouting ‘Boom’ when I drop the T,
“Unless you take two steps back and away from me!”
Well I’m not backin’ up, this is turned to a mess
You’re reffing up this game like your name’s Carl Hess
“See how you feel when the league fines you a ton”
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

Now once upon a ‘bout a season ago
We were magma hot, straight smokin’ yo.
We were burning through teams: the passion, the drama!
Now we’re 4th tier news behind a bunch of Llamas.
With all the losses, the haters be hatin’
The best part of this year? Man, at least we’re not Creighton.
Yeah, sure, they might’ve beat us in the head to head
But that’s like being the deadest Zombie on Walking Dead.
We’re losing more than the pounds of Rick Ross
And this season’s ass backwards callin’ it Kriss Kross.
We’re fadin’ real hard at the end of the race
Why does Fran McCaffrey have such a punchable face?
And now come March, it’s our thumbs they’re gonna twiddle
And our fan base is dividing like Tom Crean’s hair middle
But next year Huskers, it’s eternal hope springs
And we’ll see what new guys and some 4 stars brings
Maybe we’ll learn to break a full court press
Beat it black and blue like that Twitter Dress
Or was that gold and white, yo my rap is done.
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

FIN

The NFL is known for being an all-powerful, narrative-vice-gripping, billionaires club.  So what usually happens when you get a bunch of super-rich white dudes together that are struggling to control their apparent image problems?  (*Author’s note: it’s called congress.  Hiiiii-oooooh! But Seriously. . .)

You get more even more secrets and ass-covering than even a paranoid Illuminati-crazed whacko could come up with.  At No Coast Bias we’re determined to crack the code and get the behind-the-scenes access that our readership demands.

This is where the NFL Combine comes into play.  The combine has turned into a multi-day hypefest that explodes onto our social media timelines with pictures of fat guys burning through more 40s than in a party scene for a Big Pun biopic, NFL fanbases losing their minds over the measurables of their favorite prospect, and a whole lot of super-athletes being judged by chubby dudes sitting at their office desks (Author’s note: see: Hatch, Chris).

But what about the lesser-publicized events that the NFL uses to try to judge a prospect?  Are there, in fact, secret “measurables” that only the innermost circles of the NFL Combine are privy to?  We dug deep and utilized our secret sources that are connected on the deepest levels of security to find out that there are, indeed, 4 additional events that the NFL tests for at their fabled combine.  Here they are.

1.  The 40 Lawyer Dash

40

This test is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  Given the NFL’s recent troubles off the field, this is a speed test in which prospects try to see exactly how quick they can lawyer up should they run into any kind of legal trouble.  How fast can that shifty running back from the Pac-12 manage to find himself a defense attorney?  Can that star linebacker from the SEC get to a prestigious, amoral law firm before TMZ finds out what happened?  This drill is carefully scrutinized by both electronic timing and several corrupt judges brought in to monitor the potential legal proceedings.


2.  The Character-Based Questionnaire

Character

We’ve all heard about the Wonderlic test and we’ve heard horror stories about players with checkered pasts getting questioned by directors of player personnel from various teams.  However, this year the NFL opted for one-question test that allowed them to identify any potential troubles that may occur when the players aren’t on the grid iron.  Because this year: what concerns do they have for you if you’re not Jameis?


3.  The Weed Brick Lateral

Dime-bag lateral

At this point, I’m not sure why this isn’t just a publicly held event like the other parts of the combine.  Every NFL player needs to have a fall guy ready and waiting to say, “Uhh. . .yeah, officer.  That is my weed.  Not the guy driving the Maserati’s.  Totally mine.  Whoops.”  This event tests the dexterity and fast twitch muscles of potential players who are required to quickly dump a brick of weed into the waiting hands of their less-financially-important homeys.


4.  The Goodell Says Jump, You Say “How High.” Vertical Test

Rog

This is, for all intents and purposes, the single most important phase of the NFL’s secret combine.  At least, it is to Roger Goodell.  And, if the man seated on the Iron Throne approves of your obedience and approves of your undying fealty, he will not put your name on the black list.  (*Author’s note: And, yes, that is supposed to be kind of a racist version of a double entendre)  If you deny swearing your blood-oath to the master and high priest of all of the National Football League, Goodell will recommend that are you immediately sent to the football hinterlands to languish in misery for all of eternity.  Or as the NFL calls it: you’ll get drafted by the Buffalo Bills.

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Valentine’s Day is almost here.  So what better way to celebrate than by printing off and handing out some of the official Burnpoetry Sports-Themed Valentine’s day cards!


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Over the last few days we’ve all become certifiable experts on PSI, ball inflation, and have found ourselves inundated with #deflategate and all the insanity the comes with an extra long week of NFL Super Bowl hype.  Yesterday, Tom Brady addressed the media and went into excruciating detail about the minutiae of how he picks out his footballs for use in the games.

He denied any and all allegations of tampering with the pigskin.  Tom Brady, according to Tom Brady, always has and always will play fair.  But you can bet that as soon as Tom stepped off that podium and headed back to his supermodel wife his phone was exploding with text messages.

Fortunately for you, we’ve partnered up with everyone’s favorite perv-hackers – you know, the ones who have made every celebrity cower in fear as they feverishly attempted to delete their sext messages from “The Cloud”— and managed to get just a snippet of some of the texts that were sent to Tom Brady last night.


A confused former Tour de France champion weighed in with his opinion on the matter.

Lance


Tom’s favorite Red-Zone Target wanted to extend his heartfelt support.

Gronk


New England Running back, and most ironically named human on earth, LeGarrette Blount reached out to offer his thoughts.

Blount


Tom’s long-time adversary fired off a quick, parody-song-laden text.

Peyton


Tom was even getting accidental texts last night!

Sherman


Tom received nothing but support from his long-time coach.

Belichik


A mystery texter weighed in with thoughts on a possible replacement, should Brady get suspended.

Tebow


Even the Dallas Cowboys had players reaching out to Brady.

Demarco


Even the defensive players from the Patriots were showing their support for their QB.

Vince


None other than the ‘Ole Gunslinger made a textual appearance on Brady’s phone.

Brett

FIN

2014 is almost in the books.  We here at Burnpoetry have decided to take you down the weird, wacky, and meandering path of the sports world for the year that was in our journey through the final 6 months of two thousand and fourteen.  If you missed the first half of our exhaustive recap of all the insanity that was 2014 in the sports world, here’s a link to Part I.

I’ve gone on record in part one, declaring that 2013 is still the weirdest year in sports history, but see if all the evidence I’m about to submit below doesn’t offer up support for 2014 landing in that #2 spot.

We only got through half the year and your intrepid author had to take a long, gasping breather, huffing into a paper bag in an effort to quell my journalistic hyperventilation.  Where’d I get the paper bag you ask?  It’s from the 40 I’m drinking to try to calm my nerves from having just endured the second craziest sports year on record.  Strap up, pour one out for the homies who didn’t survive the first 2500 words and let’s finish strong!


July

LeBrontourage, Season 8 Takes a Surprising Twist

2014 was, without a doubt, the Summer of LeBron.  With teams from all over swooping in to make a play for the best player in the NBA, offering everything from personnel power to unborn children to unlimited supplies of hair plugs, the King was inundated with interest from around the league.  Ultimately he chose to go home, penning an open letter-style piece in Sports Illustrated (*Author’s note: PRINT JOURNALISM STAND UP!) about how this decision was about more than basketball for him.  Cleveland promptly went ape-shit crazy, traded both of their utterly absurd back-to-back #1 draft picks to Minnesota and came away with Kevin Love and the core of a new “Big 3” for LeBron.  When the news broke, a panicked Chris Bosh immediately went looking for LeBron in the Heat’s team kitchen.

BsNng3BCYAAaUkn

Once the LeBron domino fell, it triggered a slew of other free agent moves by the reactive NBA GMs as they all scrambled to find the next best thing.  The Heat had a bit of a rough July.  In fact, here was a heat map I created to show just how things went for the once-great “Heatles.”

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The Lakers Keep Interviewing Byron Scott and keep interviewing Byron Scott and keepinterviewingbyronscott

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The news broke in late July that the Lakers were calling in potential head coach Byron Scott for his third interview.  In typical Laker fashion, they had taken something that appeared relatively simple (*Author’s note: just give Phil Jackson whatever he wants to coach and/or GM the hell out of the team) and bungled and botched it with reckless abandon.  It begged the question: what the hell are they asking Byron Scott in interview #3 that they didn’t think of the first time around?  Eventually, Scott was hired on and the Lakers rapidly devolved into a suicide charge with Kobe Bean Bryant screaming and waving his bayonet at the front of the line as they stumbled and lurched their way towards another lottery pick.

Johnny Manziel, Limp Bizkit Superfan, keeps Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’

This July Johnny Manziel was, predictably, the center of a lot of 2014-style weirdness.  There was a constant stream of selfies and tabloid bombs were dropped virtually every day.  *Boom* Here’s Manziel with the Biebs.  *Boom* looks like Manziel was drunker than the guys from The Hangover last night.  Essentially, he was doing exactly what  I would’ve done if I was filthy rich, famous, and 22-years-old.  He was being an A-hole.  But when a photo emerged of the Browns QB in a Las Vegas nightclub appearing to be in the process of rolling a dollar bill, things got really strange.  Why was Johnny football rolling up a bill?  (*Author’s note: here’s where all the Browns fans simultaneously pray “please say there was a vending machine in there. . .please say there was a vending machine in there. . .”)

There’s really only one thing you use a dead-president-tube for and it’s not sipping choco milk out of your kiddie cup.  Hey, you might be saying, let’s not jump to conclusions, here.  It’s a bathroom in a nightclub in Vegas.  That’s one book you can judge by its cover.

And speaking of weird bathroom photos that blew up all over the internet in 2014. . .


August

Jerry Jones Appears to Misinterpret the “Sex” Part of the “Unisex” Bathroom

Johnny wasn’t the only one having fun in the bathroom in 2014.  Oh, no.  Cowboys owner Jerry Jones apparently had a pretty good time rolling up something of his own in the Boys room this year.  When photos emerged of Jerry Jones either groping women —  or performing amateur, temporary, breast augmentations for the women of Dallas — the Internet turned into a torrent of hilarity.  That a filthy rich old man may be a filthy old man isn’t particularly earth-shattering, but in true 2014 fashion the guy that broke the story turned out to also be completely bat-shit insane.

LeGarette Blount and Le’Veon Bell Get Caught Smoking We’ed

Yes.  It will always be funny when a guy whose name sounds like a device used for smoking a drug gets caught smoking that drug.  Also, it would appear that Le’Veon Bell’s use of mari’juana has le’d him to his be’st season ever.  Ta’ke that, the w’ar on dr’ugs.  Also, I would totally watch a stoner comedy show called Bell & Blount on IFC if it existed.

Battle For the Bluejay Heats Up

In August, news broke that the Toronto Blue Jays were suing the Creighton Bluejays for stealing their logo.  With both sides squawking (*Author’s note: thank you!) at one another, I stepped in to try to stop all the Jay-on-Jay crime and suggested a few trade scenarios.  Both sides needed something from one another, so I’m not sure why they didn’t compromise.  No word yet as to whether Rob Ford will be named Creighton’s Athletic Director.  (*Author’s note: fingers crossed!)

Josh Shaw Saves a Drowning Victim, Victim Turns Out to Be Manti Te’o’s Dead Girlfriend

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Josh Shaw is a defensive back at USC.  He made headlines this August after he injured his ankles, leaping from a balcony to save his drowning nephew.  Except that wasn’t exactly how it went down.  As it turns out, Shaw was less Baywatch-David-Hasselhoff – saving innocents from drowning in the sun-drenched pools of Sourthern California – and more drunken-cheeseburger-crushing-David-Hasselhoff.  While we’re not entirely sure what happened, causing the one-time USC Captain to sprain both ankles, it certainly wasn’t anything as heroic as saving someone from drowning.  It was just a weird excuse that blew up in Shaw’s face, getting him suspended for the bulk of the season by new head coach Steve Sarkisian.

Stephon Marbury Stars in his Own Chinese Musical

ALSD:KFJSDF:LSDKFJW:LEFRWE:LKRJWHELKJFHJSLKDJFSLDKFHSEWLKJFRELWKJHSLKDFJHSDLKFJHESLKFJ.  Just look at that clip!?!??! S:LDKFJSDL:FKHELWKJWKLEGJHSDKLHS.  I.   Can’t.  SDL:KFJSELKFJEWKFWEJKWLFJEL:KFJ.  (*Author’s note: Maybe 2014 is gaining on 2013 as weirdest sports year ever?)


September

Mike Tyson and Rob Ford Meet Up to Bro Around Toronto, Tear a Gaping Hole Into Space-Time Continuum

image courtesy of: torontosun.com

Have you ever seen a picture that’s too funny.  Like, you can’t even form vowel sounds (let alone words) when you’re looking at it.  You feel yourself being pulled forward, optically black-holed in and before you know if you’ve got drool spilling over a corner of your mouth and 15 minutes have.  That’s what happened to me with this picture.  No memes necessary.  No jokes that could top the fact that this is a very real, very un-photoshopped encounter.  This is 2014.  This is what the internet was invented for.  Thank you, Al Gore.

Ray Rice’s Video is Released

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Earlier in the year, news of Ray Rice’s domestic assault in an Atlantic City casino had broken and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell reacted by really dropping the hammer.  No, seriously.  He dropped the hammer, picked up a ruler, and slapped Rice on the wrist.  Rice got a two-game suspension and the NFL believed they had dodged another PR bullet.  That is until the somehow-always-relevant-because-2014-is-really-f-ing-weird TMZ was able to obtain and release video footage of Rice, giving us images to go along with the text on a page.  Some pictures are worth a thousand words.  This one was worth millions.  And they were angry words.  Directed at the NFL.  And more importantly they were directed at the NFL’s wallet.

Goodell immediately slammed on the brakes and attempted to back pedal with all the rapidity of a DB dropping into coverage.  Rice was suspended indefinitely (*Author’s note: a punishment which has since been overturned upon appeal), the Ravens cut him from their rosters, and Goodell Butt-fumbled his way into a PR nightmare.  It was ugly.  And terrible.  And sad.  And the kind of weird that shouldn’t be around in 2014 but still persists.

Speaking of guys who wished they were dead in 2014. . .

Arkansas State Player Fakes His Own Death During Fake Punt

In what I would argue was the play of the year, an Arkansas State player faked his own demise in an effort to draw attention away from his team’s ill-fated fake punt.  How did they draw that up on the chalkboard at Ark State?

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49ers Intern Equipment Guy, and Self-Proclaimed “Bro”, Uses His Stunning Hair to Land Gig Officiating Friends’ Wedding

 

Why does this matter?  How is this a story?  Here’s a closeup of what “The Bro” looks like:

This is 2014.  It’s a story: because a 49ers fan like me can follow an intern equipment guy that works for my favorite NFL franchise on Twitter, strictly because he’s the most absurd-looking dude on any sideline anywhere, and he can take that flowing mane and facial pelt to a beach and marry his friends.  That is why 2014 is amazing.  Congratulations to the couple, by the way.  For having the best mustachioed ceremony in history.  Oh, and on your marriage, too.


October

Biggest Day in Mississippi Football Ever and Somehow Katy Perry Steals the Show

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Image Courtesy of: grantland.com

On Saturday October 4th, the state of Mississippi had what was likely the biggest football-related day they’ve had since some kid decided you had to say their state’s name 5 times before you got to rush the quarterback in backyard football.  Mississippi State defeated #6 Texas A&M and Ole Miss pulled off a shocking home upset of #3 Alabama.  But all anyone could talk about was a potentially drunk Katy Perry, seemingly selected at random from a diverse pool of potential guest-pickers, showing up on College Gameday and hitting on Oklahoma’s quarterback, waving phallic corndogs all over the place, and generally pulling ridiculous faces.  Why was she wearing a shirt that looked like it was handmade by some people working Jim Henson’s studio?  Why did she bug her eyes out and dramatically reveal a corndog?  Hopefully we’ll never know.  It’s better that way.

The Walking Ned Just Won’t Die

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I know there hasn’t been much baseball in the post so far.  And, truthfully there’s only going to be a couple of entries surrounding it.  I’m not usually much of a baseball guy.  But I found myself compelled to leap with both feet onto the KC Royals’ massive bandwagon this postseason.  They won in extra innings.  They eeked out impossible victories.  They were like zombies.  They just.  Wouldn’t.  Die.  They were. . .the Walking Ned.  Finally they met their match, falling in Game 7 of the World Series to the San Francisco Giants and the absurd Madison Bumgarner.  We’ll see if they can duplicate the success, but it was fun finding myself intrigued by baseball in October again.

And speaking of the world series, let’s take a look at the weirdness of the World Series MVP. . .

(*Author’s note: no, not that MVP. I mean this MVP.)

Chevy Guy Becomes the MVP of the World Series

A fumbling, bumbling, botched attempt to perform Chevy’s obnoxious corporate-sponsor plug led to the wide-spread internet enjoyment.  Thanks, Chevy guy.  For giving us all something to laugh about.  And stuff.

TCU Defense Continues to Pound it, Really Giving It To Opponents.  Hard.

TCU’s season started off strong and blah, blah, blah.  They’re defensive coordinator is named DICK BUMPAS?!?!?!?  His name and his mustache have to be taken directly from the set of Boogie Nights.  I mean, wouldn’t you just go by “Richard”?  (*Author’s note: if you’re going to Google him, just be very careful with your typing.)

Man With Tom Brady Helmet Tattooed on his Head is Arrested for Insider Trading

Brady

Okay, it was actually drug possession.  But I’m sure you knew that already.


November

The Curse of The Biebs Strikes Again

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Justin Bieber has long been a highly visible presence in the sports world.  From his attending and competing in the All-Star celebrity basketball challenge during NBA All-Star Weekend, to his courtside seats for Heat games in Miami, The Biebs loves him some sports.  But there has been a theory developed recently, an insidious, dark, heart-stoppingly terrifying conspiracy that has begun circulating about our beloved Justin Drew Bieber: that he is cursed.  The Biebs is reverse Midas-touching sports franchises all over the globe, his mere presence appearing to doom the Spanish National team, the Miami Heat, and now the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Is it real? Man, do I hope so.

Melvin Gordon Breaks the NCAA Single-Game Rushing Record, His Reign Lasts 1 Week

That’s actual footage of Melvin Gordon playing against Nebraska.  It was that bad.  Melvin was treating the Huskers he was Dom Toretto and was living his life a quarter mile at a time.  Yeah, he went for that many yards on us.  He broke the NCAA Single game rushing mark. . .in 3 quarters.  Then he just kind of sat back and chilled, watching the Huskers continue to explode like a hastily thrown Molotov Cocktail, content to know that he would be the record holder for a long time to come.  After all, it had been since 1999 that anyone had gone for four hundy in a game.  This one would be safe for quite a long, long wh– what’s that you say?  It’s already been shattered?  Immediately?  Turns out, Oklahoma freshman Samaje Perine broke Gordon’s short-lived record the following weekend, posting 427 yards against Kansas.  Weird.

Kobe Bryant Takes Over All-Time Misses Lead

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(Author’s note: I blatantly stole this joke from Twitter user @kbrissy who used it to describe Rudy Gay’s horrific shooting night back in November of 2013. I would’ve used his graphic to credit him, but it already had Rudy’s name attached.  I’m a thief.  I admit it.)

Kobe defiantly took over the all-time miss lead, having bricked 13,418 shots.  He did that by averaging 10.7 misses per game over his lengthy career.  Somehow, I love Kobe Bryant more when he’s shooting 7-20 and talking trash to little children on the sidelines.  Is it just me, or does the NBA need Kobe just as much as Kobe needs the NBA right now?

 Will Muschamp and Bo Pelini Get Canned

Image Courtesy of latimes.com

Both Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini and his counterpart at Florida were fired in November.  Both have since taken jobs at places that seemed better suited to their personalities.  The fiery, disgusted-with-media Pelini will now be coaching at Youngstown State, where he should be out of the fishbowl of Lincoln, Nebraska.  Will Mushcamp will now go back to his lucrative career as a Bill Callahan body double.

Which finally brings us to. . .


December

Brady Hoke Gets Fired, Probably Can’t Hear the Announcement Because His Headset is Too Loud

Image courtesy of: usatoday.com

And now, a scene from my upcoming Broadway musical,  Up in Hoke

FADE IN:

INTERIOR: A dark coach’s office.  There’s an empty box of Dunkin Doughnuts on a cluttered desk.  Up against one wall there is a series of bins for incoming mail.  A huge stack of mail pokes out of the bin labeled “Stuff that was actually supposed to be for Artie Lange.”  The “Fan Mail” slot is conspicuously empty and has cobwebs covering its entrance.  In a corner of the darkened office, Brady Hoke is feverishly struggling to open a wrapped box containing a Blue Tooth headset. 

Michigan interim Athletic Director, Jim Hackett, enters the room.

Startled by this intrusion, Hoke lets out a wild, panicked noise.  The sound that comes out can only be described as “Winnie the Pooh getting prison-shanked.”

Hoke
Blllllargh!

He drops the box clumsily to the floor.

 Hackett
(Smiling evilly)
Sorry, Brady.  I didn’t mean to startle you.  Were you. . .busy?

Hoke
(Fumbling over his words)
I—uh. . .I’m just working on.  Headset.  Look, I know you guys wanted me to wear a headset.  So I’m just. . .
(He trails off)

Hoke finally gets the box open and pulls out the headset.  Grinning, he puts the ear piece in and points to it jovially.

Hackett
(Shaking his head)
Listen, Brady.  There’s no nice way to put this.  You’re fired.

Hoke
I can’t hear you.  Because I’ve got the headset in.  See how bad they disrupt communication?  See?!?!

Hackett
Brady, I know you can hear me—

Hoke
It’s.  The.  Headset.  Too loud!

FADE OUT

Chugging Beer and Running Hard, Not Just For College Students Running From the Cops Anymore

Image Courtesy of flotrack.org

The first ever Beer Mile World Championships were held in Austin this year.  I know what you’re thinking.  Finally a way to combine elite level athletes with heavy drinking.  About time.  (*Author’s note: What?!? Am I the only one who would love to watch phenomenal athletes compete in drinking games?  I highly doubt it.  Start posting Kobe’s beer pong games to YouTube, the NBA.  Please.)  It was captivating, finally getting to watch the athletes drink right along with the spectators.  For once, I wasn’t the only one chugging a beer and watching a sporting event.  The athletes were doing the same thing!  Audience participation!  Corey Gallagher, a chug-happy Canadian with an incredible ability to house beers after running long distances, won the inaugural event.  He was kind enough to give No Coast Bias an interview about his traning, his chugging, and whether or not he still has to pay for drinks.  What a wonderfully weird year.  I love 2014.

Ryan Leaf Gets Out of Prison, Walks Directly Into Your Nightmares

image courtesy of: deadspin.com

What else needs to be said, really?  I’m going to try to stop my spine from convulsing with shivers and move on as quickly as I can.

Toronto Raptors Star Lou Williams is Dating Two Women. . .Who are Dating Each Other

Lou Williams Two Girlfriends

Image courtesy of: hollywoodtake.com

A:LKJSD:FLKSW:LJEKHGFW:OLJ:QL#KJH@Q#:OHNWWOJNWOIEHJWQ#OTFRN#WLKJNW.  Reports have recently confirmed that Toronto guard Lou Williams is dating two women.  At the same time.  That are also dating each other.  You win, 2014.  You.  Win.

In conclusion

2014 definitely ranks as the second weirdest year ever.  It’s so close to weirdness champion, 2013, that they are practically dating the same dude.  And each other.  What an insane ride it’s been so far.  Chime in below, because I’m sure I missed some of the other weirdness the year had to offer.

FIN

Last year I went on record, declaring 2013 to be the weirdest sports year ever.  I firmly believe that that will continue to hold up.  But, damn, 2014 was a year for the record books, too.  If 2013 was Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game, then 2014 is definitely Kobe’s 81-pointer.

I stand by my statement that Dennis Rodman, international peace-keeper and Manti Te’o, international catfished-doofus wil always hold down 2013 as the weirdest year ever, but 2014 came hard for that number one spot.  Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, take a moment to stop live-tweeting events and let me present a month-by-month breakdown to you as to why 2014 was the second weirdest sports year in history.


January:

Richard Sherman yells, internet panic ensues!

The 49ers and the Seattle Seahawks really don’t like each other.  When the two teams met on January 19th in the NFC Championship game, with the stakes at their highest and the lights at their brightest, one man somehow managed to single-handedly overshadow the entire game (*Author’s note: and a fantastic game, at that.)  After making the play of the game and potentially the play of the year, outspoken defensive back Richard Sherman had something to say to Erin Andrews in his post-game interview.

Yes, it was Richard Sherman, professional blow hard.  And he was blowing.  Hard.  He was blowing like Louis Armstrong in the middle of a wild solo at a packed Harlem Jazz club.  The craziest part? He probably deserved to have that reaction.  They shoved the mic into the face of a phenomenal shit-talker while he still had more adrenaline in his system than the post syringed-in-the-heart UMA Thurman in Pulp Fiction.  It was just a strange scene, seeing him howl into the microphone like a WWE Heel who just bodyslammed the good guy through a table.  Some hated it.  Some loved it.  Everyone had something to say about it.  2014 was picking right up where 2013 left off.  By being weird as hell.

Nine Year Old Stars on her High School’s Varsity Basketball Team

During January, video surfaced of a ridiculous nine-year-old girl, all 4’7” of her, crossing up and driving by her high school basketball competition.  It was Jaden Newman, the pint-sized University of Miami recruit, establishing dominance over girls twice her size and twice her age.  When I was 9-years-old I was getting crunk about dinosaurs, crushing Surge, and trying to figure out how to make a bounce pass.  The craziest part of this story?  This somehow ended up being only the second weirdest “Jaden” related story of 2014.

Peyton Manning Shouts Omaha, Omaha Immediately Demonstrates Why It Can’t Have Nice Things

This is video of Peyton Manning’s favorite audible call.  It’s the word “Omaha.”  The nation became obsessed with the call, and the fact that Peyton was repeating it more than Mike Jones shouting his name back in 2005.  But no one took more weird pleasure out of Peyton Manning’s favorite disc-skipping phrase than the city of Omaha, Nebraska.  The Omaha Chamber of Commerce, believing that Peyton’s checks at the line would be met with checks in their pockets, vowed to donate money to his charity should the Broncos signal-caller continue to use their name and all of Nebraska — having little else to do in January, other than sit inside while winter bore down on them like a ravenous predator — stumbled all over themselves to fawn over having their name mentioned by a celebrity like a blushing high schooler named “Jane” seeing a Maroon 5 concert.


February

Super Bowl XLVIII is XLVIII Times Worse Than Anyone Thought It Would Be

Courtesy of: bleacherreport.com

We should’ve known that this game was doomed for unintentional comedy immediately after they had a pimp-coat wearing Joe Namath try to hijack the coin flip. The aforementioned Richard Sherman and Peyton Manning met up for Super Bowl XLVIII in a showdown, pitting the Broncos’ high-powered offense against the Seattle Seahwaks’ tough defense.  A Lamborghini and a Hummer going toe to toe with millions upon millions of eyes watching and breaths being held captive.  It was all Gone in 60 Seconds (*Author’s note: Hiiiiii-ooooh!) as the Broncos immediately botched their opening snap and proceeded to melt down into a steaming pile of high-def horse manure.  The game ended up being 43-8 and even Joe Buck’s commentary seemed exciting by comparison.  If you found yourself wishing that Beyoncé would show up and shut the power off on this one for a while to give your eyes a break from their corneal curb-stomping, you weren’t alone.  Thank goodness for the weed jokes, or this would’ve been a complete waste of time.

The Eyes of Costas Are Upon You

Image courtesy of: Foxnews.com

In February, the Olympics swept across the sporting world.  Pomp.  Circumstance.  And creepy, zombie-eyed Bob Costas.  (*Author’s note: ever play that game, “One of these things is not like the other?”)  In an Olympics full of plot-lines – corrupt Russian officials, poor athlete conditions, Shaun White’s pasty ass going for a repeat – Costas’ raging eye infection stole the show.  It lead to a myriad of conspiracy theories on why the announcer looked so much like a stoned Mr. Peabody despite Bob’s insistence there was nothing malovelent about his eyes.  Here was my theory, centering around Costas and Shaun White working as XXX-Style secret operatives in Russia to try to take out Edward Snowden, written out as a screenplay.

And speaking of stoner-eyes at the Olympics. . .

Olympic Skiier Torin Yater- Wallace Takes Our Hearts (And Approximately 13 Quarter Pounders From McDonald’s)

Torin Yater-Wallace Is The Stoner-Philosopher Of The Olympics

Photo courtesy of: Deadspin.com

At the Olympics, McDonald’s is known to offer up free grub to the athletes.  They single handedly kept Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt alive when he was eating 100 McNuggets a day in Beijing. They slap their corporate logo on anything they can get their Ronald-loving hands on.  And they provide the perfect eats for a clearly sticky-ickied up 18-year-old Olympian who’s looking for some major chow after blazing some Chron with the Russian ice dancer girls in an effort to get laid.

Marcus Smart Gives us Malice Jr.

Gif courtesy of: thebiglead.com

With Oklahoma State losing late in an early February game to lowly Texas Tech, one-time top-5 NBA lottery pick, Marcus Smart, became incensed by the taunting of a fat James Caan impersonator and went into the stands to give him a two-handed shove.  We don’t know exactly what was said, but we do know that any man who doesn’t wear an undershirt beneath his XXXL sized polo can’t be trusted.  Smart’s season continued to spiral downwards, getting suspended for his transgressions and slipping down in the draft after an inconsistent year with an under-achieving Cowboys team.  (*Author’s note: the best part about this GIF? The lady on Faux-Caan’s left.  She can’t stop pointing her finger.  She points at Smart like she just fingered a mob boss for the prosecution in court on a soap opera.  Outstanding.)

David Stern Retires

image courtesy of: usatoday.com

Although few believed this grizzled veteran commissioner would ever relinquish his iron-fisted rule over the NBA, at least not until he was 6-feet under the soil in a posh, cozy coffin, NBA Commish Stern willingly ceded his position atop the Iron Throne to his next-in-line apprentice, Adam Silver.  Was this a case of game recognizing game?  Was Stern such a big fan of the way Silver handled the “Targaryen Deal” that he felt compelled to promote him up to take charge of the league?  (*Author’s note: If you’re unfamiliar with Adam Silver’s biggest business transaction as liutenant to Stern, see the below picture).

image courtesy of: ouchpress.com


March

Wichita State Continues Their Miraculous Run, Then Promptly Gets Screwed by NCAA Tournament Selection Committee

Image Courtesy of: stltoday.com

Wichita State’s undefeated season was one of the single most fascinating subplots of the 2013-2014 College Basketball season.  An unlikely story, this band of permanently underrated players from the middle of the country somehow continuing to win and win some more, that planted itself somewhere between Thunderstruck and Like Mike on my BBI (*Author’s note: Basketball Believability Index).  But the weirdest part of all?  Somehow they got seed-screwed into playing Kentucky in the second round.  Because, weirder still, was the fact that Kentucky was an eight seed.  A MOTHER-FING EIGHT SEED.  KENTUCKY?!?!  However, it ended up being the game of the year, with the Wildcats prevailing down the stretch in spite of both Harrison twins somehow reminding me of LeVar Burton.

Oregon Proudly Introduces Their “Newest Recruit”, Celebrating by Cramming Him Into Their Extra Schmedium Sized Jersey 

. . .as if Bill Cosby’s year could get any creepier, right?  J-E-L-L-Nooooooo!  You might want to do a background check on this “new recruit” before you let him on campus.  Also, please make sure he’s in the all-male dormitory.  Please.

Mongolian Sumo Wrestler Kakuryū Rikisaburō is promoted to yokozuna

Look, March was kind of a slow month, okay?

Minor League Baseball Team, The Kalamazoo Growlers, Announce They’ll Wear “Selfie Jerseys”

A really slow month.  The Jerseys, which debuted in July were probably the most obnoxious uniforms I’ve ever seen.  When a pitch came in high and tight and the manager shouted “Duck!”  everyone just assumed he was talking about the girl pursing her lips to look like waterfowl on the batter’s left sleeve.  (*Author’s note: Alright, so maybe I made that last part up.)


April

 Former Florida Atlantic Coach, and Older Brother to Recently-Fired Nebraska Head Coach, Carl Pelini is Shopping a Book

carl

Yes.  Apparently Carl hasn’t only been rolling papers and smoking them.  He’s been penning a novel.  Not just a memoir or a sordid tell-all.  This is fiction.  Will it be straight Gonzo, drug-fueled insanity like Hunter S. Thompson?  Will it be tweenage angst wrapped up in the loving embrace of high school football?  Or will it be about a crazed, revenge-seeking egomaniac hellbent on getting his own white whale?  Watch out, Shawn Eichorst.

Donald Sterling Proves to be Exactly as Horrible as We All Thought

Image Courtesy of: latimes.com

This April audio came out from Donald Sterling, released by his vulpine-faced mistress V. Stiviano, in which the Los Angeles Clippers owner basically went on a racist tirade that sounded like leftover dialogue for Leonardo DiCaprio in Django Unchained.  Sterling’s awful audio immediately put new-commissioner Adam Silver in the hot seat and the league’s new head honcho didn’t hesitate to drop the hammer, banning Sterling for life from any NBA activity.  Silver delivered a message and it was clear that the NBA wanted Sterling to give up his franchise.  As per usual, the cantankerous curmudgeon tried to sue his way out of things, but eventually folded and the team was later purchased ba kajillionaire Steve Ballmer.  Do I really think Sterling won’t try to sneak in to make racist jokes at the Staples Center with an underaged floozy?  No way.  Here’s a few of the disguises I predicted he would try to use to get in and watch the team.

Presentation1


Northwestern Football Attempts to Unionize, Immediately Confuses Idiots Like Me
(*Author’s note: but luckily for you, I’ve created this handy flowchart to help you figure out how all the legal proceedings would go.)

flowchart

I literally think that chart is the closest I came to making sense of the whole thing.  A college football team trying to unionize?  2014 for ‘ya.  The only thing that could’ve made it weirder would’ve been if they picked Derek Fisher to be in charge of the whole thing and he did next to nothing for them.


May

The NFL Draft Gets Weird, 2014 Style

Image Courtesy of: scoreboardtx.com

Johnny F. Heisman Football slipped down the draftboard after an offseason spent partying with rolled up $20 bills in Las Vegas bathrooms, dropping to #22 and to the Cleveland Browns.  An undersized, hard-partying QB slipping down draftboards isn’t weird.  What is?  The he apparently text the Browns GM and told him to “hurry up and draft me.”  I speculated about who else might be texting the Browns on Draft Night, too.  Another highly-touted QB experienced his own free fall, with the Vikings selecting Teddy Bridgewater with the final pick of the first round.  Needless to say, it was the worst night for Teddys, Bridges, and Water since Chappaquiddick in 1969.  South Carolina’s JaDeveon Clowney went first overall and promptly did nothing in his rookie year (being injured virtually the entire year).  How typically 2014 of you, the NFL Draft.

Diego Costa Whispers to Horses, Asks to Borrow Their Placentas

Image courtesy of: independent.co.uk

Yeah.  This headline alone is enough to make you gag.  I understand that.  However, when Atletico Madrid striker Diego Costa tore his hamstring this April those wacky Europeans decided that instead of heating, icing and Ibuprofen, they would try something a little. . .different.  So, utilizing an Island of Dr. Moreau sounding therapy, involving electro-shock and horse placenta ointment, Costa went in for treatment.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be the guy rushing to the bathroom for a good old fashioned dry-heave.

Somebody Get Me A Starter Jacket: The Charlotte Hornets Are Back, Baby!

Image courtesy of: bringbackthebuzz.wordpress.com

Unforunately, Mugsy and Larry Johnson aren’t on the bench anymore.  But the Charlotte Bobcats finally caved in to the massive demand of all the ’90s enthusiasts like myself and re-branded back to their God-intended franchise name: The Hornets.  So as I sip my Amazon-ordered Surge, smashing on my French Toast Crunch while wearing my snap-back hat and listening to a bunch of boy bands on the radio, I can also watch the Charlotte Hornets get after it on the court.  The 90’s are back, son!  Somebody get me a Warhead and turn up the Will Smith songs!

50 Cent’s First Pitch, Worth Approximately A Quarter

Speaking of Nostalgia: remember 50 Cent?  He’s still around.  And apparently all those curls he was doing at the gym during his In Da Club music video shoot didn’t translate well to his 2-seam fastball.  Here he comes with what many are arguing is the worst first pitch in history.  The sad part?  The Chicago Cubs probably tried to offer him a contract immediately after this toss.  “G-g-g-g-g-g-get the hell out of the way!”

Nebraska Linebacker Josh Banderas Steals a Whole Peloton of Bikes

University of Nebraska Linebacker Josh Banderas was arrested with a pickup full of stolen bikes in May.  Why?  Reducing his carbon footprint?  An inescapable urge to juice up and become the next Lance Armstrong?  Who the hell knows.  The above photo is my best guess as to what he was planning on doing with a bevy of hijacked Huffys.


June

Luis Suárez Goes Hannibal Lecter at the 2014 FIFA World Cup

Image Courtesy of: telegraph.co.uk

So, in 2014 the World Cup was back on the scene.  It was fantastic.  There was weirdness all over the place.  From Brazilian governmental conspiracies to a hilarious pump-up speech from Will Ferrell and Teddy Goalsevelt.  From the US somehow managing to escape the Group of Death, to a bizarre wasting of US Goalie Tim Howard’s game for the ages.  It was all outstanding, fascinating, and very strange.  However, no story topped the flesh-eating zombie known as Luis Suárez and his diabolical dentures.  Suárez, the hyper-talented Uruguayan national team striker, ignored the billions of eyes that were watching and just couldn’t help himself from gnawing on the shoulder of Italian player Giorgio Chiellini.  He was suspended 4 months for what turned out to be the latest in a long line of attempted cannibalism.  Plenty of time for him to enjoy some Fava Beans and a nice Chianti.

The AC Goes Out, LBJ Goes Down

GIF Courtesy of: thebiglead.com

In game one of the NBA Finals, the air conditioning went out in the AT&T Center in San Antonion, Texas.  What happened next was a Twitter dogpile on LeBron James, as they oft-criticized Miami Heat star cramped up and had to limp off the court, watching the game from the sidelines in pain.  Was it Greg Popovich, pulling the ultimate mind-trick?  Was known sporting-event-power-surger Beyoncé in the building with Hova to watch the game?  Was LeBron shrinking in another huge moment  (*Author’s note: an unfair rap, in my opinion, even though I love to hate on LeBron.) or was this simply a case of electrical malfunction at the exact wrong time?  We may never know.  But it was certainly weird.  Also: nice work on keeping LeBron hydrated, Powerade.  (*Author’s note: ironically enough?  They’re called “drops.”)

Image Courtesy of: http://www.mktesportivo.com

NCAA Track and Field Championships Reveal One True Winner for the First Half of the Sports Year

Whoever that dude is with a Hello Kitty calf tat and big enough stones to wear shorts at a nationally televised event.

Stay tuned for Part II of NCB’s 2014 Sports year in review.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .