Posts Tagged ‘new’

Tom Brady — and more specifically: Tom’s Phone — has gotten a lot of heat recently for what may or may not be nestled snugly in that i-Phone inbox.  In case you somehow missed it: Tom has been suspended 4 games by the most powerful court in the land: The NFL.  While Roger Goodell was busy going all Judge Dredd out there on Patriots fans (*Author’s note: who shouldn’t be too worried about a rested, pissed off Brady coming back for the remaining 12 games of next year) the public at large has been wondering what was really in Tom’s phone.

While I don’t know what his phone might have looked like around the time in question, I have a pretty good idea of what Tom Brady’s inbox looked like this morning.  How do I know?  Because he decided he’d had enough of speculation and he wanted to turn his phone over to a serious journalist.  Let’s take a look at Tom Brady’s inbox:

Brady's Inbox

Pretty telling stuff.  And while there’s no direct mentions in there referencing anything we can presume to be guilt or innocence, it does paint a pretty interesting picture of what life is like off the field for Mr. Ugg.

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As I was doing my super-stereotypical Twitter scrolling this morning, I came across a Tweet that piqued my interest.  In fact, it grabbed my interest and pulled it into a nostalgic black hole so gravitationally intense that I was pretty sure I might need the homey Bill Nye to emerge and explain this wormhole rip in my psychic space-time continuum so I could get back to work.

img_4857

That’s right.  Not only do we live in the gilded age of 21-35 year old nostalgic cash-grabs (*Author’s note: see: live action, “grittier” reboots of all our childhood movies and ’90s music making a suddenly ’80s like resurgence.) but we live in a time when Surge is willing to pull back the curtain and show us all where the magic happens.

This is an amazing moment.  Let’s drink it in.  Along with 42 grams of sugar and yellow 5, yellow 6, and whatever the hell carob bean gum is.

But this immediately got me to wondering: what exactly would it look like if you were to get one of these ethereal green tickets?  Where do they even make Surge at these days?

Capture

Google Maps was confused by my query.  I’m guessing that this random technology company in Australia is not what I was looking for.  And, in fact, I found myself comforted by the fact that I didn’t know where Surge was made.  (*Author’s note: yeah, smartasses, I know it’s made by Coca Cola.  Suck it, the internet.)

Appetite for dumb questions satiated, I proceeded to continue further down my rabbit hole of self-proclaimed deep thought.  What would a tour of the Surge factory be like?  Let’s work this out. . .

Instead of Willy Wonka, The Factory Is Probably Run By a Coke-bendering Charlie Sheen

chuck

Because Surge isn’t about rainbows and lollipops.  It’s hardcore, son.  It’s insane.  It’s a neon green sulfuric acid-wash for your mouth that gets little kids more jacked up than a Mountain Dew and Red Bull beer bong moments before they head to Chuck E. Cheese for a 10th birthday party.  So who do we know that can harness that kind of power?  Turn something that could destroy so many people, wield it, and emerge unscathed?  Chuck Sheen, that’s who.  You think those white eyebrows on his slave-labor Oompa Loompa’s is paint or genetic mutation?  Nope.  That’s straight up rails of blow that got caught in their eyebrows while they’re were banging down rails with Sheen.


At Least One Section of the Factory Will Devoted to Serge Ibaka’s Free Throw Form Being Snottily Critiqued by Serge from Beverly Hills Cop

Serge

Because: puns.  Also, who wouldn’t want to see more of Serge– the snooty art critic from one of the best ’80s movie franchises — haughtily sniffing each time Serge Ibaka — one of the most fascinating players in one of the weirder 2010s franchises — chucked up a free throw that wasn’t auteur enough for his liking?  This part of the tour would be phenomenal.  And you know Ibaka’s people have been contemplating the promotional tie-in appeal, spelling be damned.


A Behind the Scenes Look at the Secret Ingredients That Make Surge So Damn Delicious

Vats

We know what the FDA says is in Surge.  But that’s all bull.  There’s no way that something as highly addictive and mind-bendingly toxic as Surge really just had a few simple chemicals mixed together.  This tour would hopefully shed some light into what really goes into surge.  My best guesses?  Lean, Blue from Breaking Bad, and Crunk Juice poured directly from the cup of Surge brewmaster, Lil Jon.  Drink up, kids.  You need something to keep you up all night.  That Nintendo 64 isn’t going to play itself until 4 AM at your friends slumber party.


The Tour Would Culminate in a Sensory Overload Chamber

90s

You may be thinking to yourself: Surge is the ultimate in ’90s.  It’s the peak of 1990’s stuff.  And that may be so, but why not let the dude in JNCO’s and Airwalk shoes show you around the ’90s lounge where you can watch Power Rangers: The Movie, play NFL Blitz, call yourself from a real-live landline, and send/receive pages about your buddies getting a new AOL Free Trial floppy disk in the mail!

If this isn’t what a tour of the Surge factory looks like, then I’m not sure I even wanna go.

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Tim Miles is having kind of a rough year.  After starting the year out with high expectations, and what appeared to be a program on the brink of wave-riding their way down a big Tsunami of momentum carried over from an incredible finish to the 2014 season, the Husker Men’s Basketball team has crashed and burned in Evel Knievel-like fashion.

Miles has tried coaching them up, slowing it down, guest speakers, and virtually anything short of hiring a voodoo priestess to come in and stick pins in Melo Trimble’s hair-doll.  (*Author’s note: he may have done that at some point, too.)  His latest desperate tactic has been locking the Huskers out of their locker room and posh traning facilities at the Hendricks Training Complex.

That means the players will have no smoothie bar, no shower heads with Bluetooth speakers and no players lounge which basically looks like Macauly Culkin’s house from Richie Rich.

So, with not a moment to lose, Tim is taking one last desperate move to fire up his team.  He’s pulling out all the stops to try to get his team motivated for the final few games of the year.  This is the leaked audio of his latest attempt: a stunningly dope rap track and music video.  The words to the song are listed beneath the song.

(Intro)

If you havin’ real problems, I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one.

I got dudes brickin’ threes while I’m grabbing deeze
Haters up in stripes I call ‘em referees
Stinking up the Vault, yo I need Febreze
Bout to snap like a tendon in D-Rose’s knees
I’m from the great white North, more Dakota than Fanning,
Call me the GOAT like I’m Peyton Manning
Underneath this button up I’m built like Tatum, Channing
Taking more selfies than a girl who be tanning.
I’m catching all types’a shit from those Twitter Bros
And Walt P’s in the paint and he’s throwing Bos
Shavon’s so damn smart he’s worried ‘bout Microbes
And I can’t stop staring at Thad Matta’s nose.
I’m getting’ so emotional, startin’ to feel my feelings
And I still don’t know the damn difference between Australia and New Zealand.
From D3 to D1, Son, I Ain’t Dumb
I got 99 Problems, but Hendricks Ain’t One.
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

Well it’s 2015 and I’m so, so def
But standin’ in my way? It’s the motherfuckin’ ref.
I got two choices, ya’ll, shut my mouth up or
Chase down that Douche and start to stompin’ on the floor.
Now I ain’t trying send ‘em to the free throw line
But I got a few dollars I can pay the fine
So he pulls me over to the side of the court
And I heard “Son do you know why I’m techin’ you for?”
Cause I’m nerdy and I’m pissed and you’re screwing my team
And you’re worried I’m bout to turn you into a Twitter Meme?
Should I head back to the Bench, to try to let off steam?
“Well you was getting too loud when you started to scream
Head back to your bench for I throw your ass out
“Now if you’ll excuse, me Tim, I’m goin’ over there to pout”
I ain’t going back to shit, all my gripes are legit
“Do you mind if I talk to those other ref a bit?”
Well the fans are all pissed and so’s the rest of my staff
And trust me when I say you don’t want Molinari’s wrath
“Listen, I’m probably shouting ‘Boom’ when I drop the T,
“Unless you take two steps back and away from me!”
Well I’m not backin’ up, this is turned to a mess
You’re reffing up this game like your name’s Carl Hess
“See how you feel when the league fines you a ton”
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

Now once upon a ‘bout a season ago
We were magma hot, straight smokin’ yo.
We were burning through teams: the passion, the drama!
Now we’re 4th tier news behind a bunch of Llamas.
With all the losses, the haters be hatin’
The best part of this year? Man, at least we’re not Creighton.
Yeah, sure, they might’ve beat us in the head to head
But that’s like being the deadest Zombie on Walking Dead.
We’re losing more than the pounds of Rick Ross
And this season’s ass backwards callin’ it Kriss Kross.
We’re fadin’ real hard at the end of the race
Why does Fran McCaffrey have such a punchable face?
And now come March, it’s our thumbs they’re gonna twiddle
And our fan base is dividing like Tom Crean’s hair middle
But next year Huskers, it’s eternal hope springs
And we’ll see what new guys and some 4 stars brings
Maybe we’ll learn to break a full court press
Beat it black and blue like that Twitter Dress
Or was that gold and white, yo my rap is done.
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

FIN

Over the last few days we’ve all become certifiable experts on PSI, ball inflation, and have found ourselves inundated with #deflategate and all the insanity the comes with an extra long week of NFL Super Bowl hype.  Yesterday, Tom Brady addressed the media and went into excruciating detail about the minutiae of how he picks out his footballs for use in the games.

He denied any and all allegations of tampering with the pigskin.  Tom Brady, according to Tom Brady, always has and always will play fair.  But you can bet that as soon as Tom stepped off that podium and headed back to his supermodel wife his phone was exploding with text messages.

Fortunately for you, we’ve partnered up with everyone’s favorite perv-hackers – you know, the ones who have made every celebrity cower in fear as they feverishly attempted to delete their sext messages from “The Cloud”— and managed to get just a snippet of some of the texts that were sent to Tom Brady last night.


A confused former Tour de France champion weighed in with his opinion on the matter.

Lance


Tom’s favorite Red-Zone Target wanted to extend his heartfelt support.

Gronk


New England Running back, and most ironically named human on earth, LeGarrette Blount reached out to offer his thoughts.

Blount


Tom’s long-time adversary fired off a quick, parody-song-laden text.

Peyton


Tom was even getting accidental texts last night!

Sherman


Tom received nothing but support from his long-time coach.

Belichik


A mystery texter weighed in with thoughts on a possible replacement, should Brady get suspended.

Tebow


Even the Dallas Cowboys had players reaching out to Brady.

Demarco


Even the defensive players from the Patriots were showing their support for their QB.

Vince


None other than the ‘Ole Gunslinger made a textual appearance on Brady’s phone.

Brett

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Last night, Denver Bronco’s quarterback Peyton Manning broke the NFL’s alltime Touchdown Passing mark, leaping to the top of the heap with 510 TDs and powering past Brett Favre’s previous mark of 508 en route to a beatdown of my beloved San Franciso 49ers.  Much was made over an future hall of famer doing future hall of famer stuff.  We saw the commotion that occurred on the field after Peyton etched his name into the annals of sports history (*Author’s note: which should prove to be only slightly more permanent than that gigantic red-spot on his forehead) and we’ve heard all about his on-field exploits.

But what about off the field?  We may have seen the Twitterverse weighing in as other great athletes paid their respects to Peyton.  But what were some of the more personal, more intimate messages Peyton received last night after making history?

Fortunately for you, we’ve partnered up with everyone’s favorite perv-hackers – you know, the ones who have made every celebrity cower in fear as they feverishly attempted to delete their sext messages from “The Cloud”— and managed to get just a snippet of some of the texts that were sent to Peyton Manning last night.

Here are a few for your viewing pleasure.


Of, course, Peyton’s younger brother checked in.

Eli


And the athlete soon-to-be known as inmate 277-P476 also showed some love.

AP


Peyton’s former owner from the Colts, Jim Irsay took time out from his busy schedule to send a heartfelt congratulations.

Irsay


Longtime Peyton Manning nemesis, and consummate spokesman, Tom Brady sent in a quick message.

Brady


From one QB at the peak of his powers, to another, Florida State’s Jameis Winston sent in a congratulatory message.

Jameis


And The Ole’ Gunslinger even weighed in with a multi-part personal message for Peyton (Part I)

Brett1


Brett (Part II)

Brett2

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(*Author’s note: Listen, what else are we supposed to do on a bye week?  Try to compose a rap song about DeMornay Pierson-El?  Oh, believe me: I’ve done that too.

Sung to the tune of Ride Wit Me, by Nelly:

If your thinking about puntin’, ‘cause it’s 4th and three,
You better look downfield and tell me who you see?
Oh, why would you punt his way? Hey!  Must be DeMornay!)

If it’s too far for you to go for three,
And you’re higher than Khalifa on four twenty:
Oh, why would you punt his way? Hey!  Must be DeMornay!)

But enough of that.  It’s getting close to Halloween.  That means that my obsession with horror movies and candy corn are going to ramp up to dangerous levels for the next few weeks as we prepare for one of my favorite times of year.  Since all I’ll be watching from now until October 31st is football and horror movies, I thought, why not combine my insane love of the two?  So, here are some Husker players and coaches who I have crappily crafted into some classic movie posters.


Froday the 13th, Part LXXX

Bell


Hocus BoCuss

BoCuss


Pierson El-Raiser

PIerson


The Becksorcist

Becksorcist


Randyman

Randyman

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It’s been another busy week for Nebraska Cornhuskers head football coach, Bo Pelini.  He’s been prepping his team for what appears to be the biggest game of his tenure.  It’s a top ten matchup against a developing rival; a chance to slay the demons of Pelini-past and blaze a new trail towards the College Football Playoff.  It’s a prime time game.  At night.  On ABC.  All the cards are stacking up to make this a monstrous game for the program and for the coach who have each struggled recently in these scenarios.

So what does a guy like Bo do when his team is getting ready for a hyper-hyped, big time showdown?  He plans everything out.  He meticulously schedules his day down the last minute to make sure that he only includes events that will keep him sharp, keep him focused, and keep him hungry.

Utilizing a top-secret source working on the inside of One Memorial Stadium we were able to obtain a screenshot of what Bo’s schedule looks like for the Michigan State game.  And, boy, does he seem busy.

(*Author’s note: as usual, the formatting sucks. Click on the image, and all will be revealed.)

Capture

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