As I was doing my super-stereotypical Twitter scrolling this morning, I came across a Tweet that piqued my interest. In fact, it grabbed my interest and pulled it into a nostalgic black hole so gravitationally intense that I was pretty sure I might need the homey Bill Nye to emerge and explain this wormhole rip in my psychic space-time continuum so I could get back to work.
That’s right. Not only do we live in the gilded age of 21-35 year old nostalgic cash-grabs (*Author’s note: see: live action, “grittier” reboots of all our childhood movies and ’90s music making a suddenly ’80s like resurgence.) but we live in a time when Surge is willing to pull back the curtain and show us all where the magic happens.
This is an amazing moment. Let’s drink it in. Along with 42 grams of sugar and yellow 5, yellow 6, and whatever the hell carob bean gum is.
But this immediately got me to wondering: what exactly would it look like if you were to get one of these ethereal green tickets? Where do they even make Surge at these days?
Google Maps was confused by my query. I’m guessing that this random technology company in Australia is not what I was looking for. And, in fact, I found myself comforted by the fact that I didn’t know where Surge was made. (*Author’s note: yeah, smartasses, I know it’s made by Coca Cola. Suck it, the internet.)
Appetite for dumb questions satiated, I proceeded to continue further down my rabbit hole of self-proclaimed deep thought. What would a tour of the Surge factory be like? Let’s work this out. . .
Instead of Willy Wonka, The Factory Is Probably Run By a Coke-bendering Charlie Sheen
Because Surge isn’t about rainbows and lollipops. It’s hardcore, son. It’s insane. It’s a neon green sulfuric acid-wash for your mouth that gets little kids more jacked up than a Mountain Dew and Red Bull beer bong moments before they head to Chuck E. Cheese for a 10th birthday party. So who do we know that can harness that kind of power? Turn something that could destroy so many people, wield it, and emerge unscathed? Chuck Sheen, that’s who. You think those white eyebrows on his slave-labor Oompa Loompa’s is paint or genetic mutation? Nope. That’s straight up rails of blow that got caught in their eyebrows while they’re were banging down rails with Sheen.
At Least One Section of the Factory Will Devoted to Serge Ibaka’s Free Throw Form Being Snottily Critiqued by Serge from Beverly Hills Cop
Because: puns. Also, who wouldn’t want to see more of Serge– the snooty art critic from one of the best ’80s movie franchises — haughtily sniffing each time Serge Ibaka — one of the most fascinating players in one of the weirder 2010s franchises — chucked up a free throw that wasn’t auteur enough for his liking? This part of the tour would be phenomenal. And you know Ibaka’s people have been contemplating the promotional tie-in appeal, spelling be damned.
A Behind the Scenes Look at the Secret Ingredients That Make Surge So Damn Delicious
We know what the FDA says is in Surge. But that’s all bull. There’s no way that something as highly addictive and mind-bendingly toxic as Surge really just had a few simple chemicals mixed together. This tour would hopefully shed some light into what really goes into surge. My best guesses? Lean, Blue from Breaking Bad, and Crunk Juice poured directly from the cup of Surge brewmaster, Lil Jon. Drink up, kids. You need something to keep you up all night. That Nintendo 64 isn’t going to play itself until 4 AM at your friends slumber party.
The Tour Would Culminate in a Sensory Overload Chamber
You may be thinking to yourself: Surge is the ultimate in ’90s. It’s the peak of 1990’s stuff. And that may be so, but why not let the dude in JNCO’s and Airwalk shoes show you around the ’90s lounge where you can watch Power Rangers: The Movie, play NFL Blitz, call yourself from a real-live landline, and send/receive pages about your buddies getting a new AOL Free Trial floppy disk in the mail!
If this isn’t what a tour of the Surge factory looks like, then I’m not sure I even wanna go.