Posts Tagged ‘Pro Football’

At 12:05 AM in the fifth month of the year 2015, this happened.

https://twitter.com/nfl/status/601252348812468224

Which is fantastic.  It certainly appears that the NFL social media guy snuck into Roger Goodell’s malted liquor cabinet and got himself a couple drinks, sat down and decided to light Twitter on fire with an acrostic message.  Yup.  That’s right.  It looks like the passive-aggressive NFL went all 4th grade poetry on us in a tweet meant to underhandedly deride the New England Patriots and their ever-deflating balls.

They’ve got P, S, and I in there.  And a Colts player, too.  Well done.  Since this was funny, I’m sure the NFL will fire this guy while continuing to employ this guy with the Cleveland Browns.

But this wasn’t the only time last night the NFL decided to try to send out a Nic-Cage-in-every-Nic-Cage-Movie-ever coded message last night.  Here were 7 other tweets the NFL put out and then quickly deleted.

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The NFL is known for being an all-powerful, narrative-vice-gripping, billionaires club.  So what usually happens when you get a bunch of super-rich white dudes together that are struggling to control their apparent image problems?  (*Author’s note: it’s called congress.  Hiiiii-oooooh! But Seriously. . .)

You get more even more secrets and ass-covering than even a paranoid Illuminati-crazed whacko could come up with.  At No Coast Bias we’re determined to crack the code and get the behind-the-scenes access that our readership demands.

This is where the NFL Combine comes into play.  The combine has turned into a multi-day hypefest that explodes onto our social media timelines with pictures of fat guys burning through more 40s than in a party scene for a Big Pun biopic, NFL fanbases losing their minds over the measurables of their favorite prospect, and a whole lot of super-athletes being judged by chubby dudes sitting at their office desks (Author’s note: see: Hatch, Chris).

But what about the lesser-publicized events that the NFL uses to try to judge a prospect?  Are there, in fact, secret “measurables” that only the innermost circles of the NFL Combine are privy to?  We dug deep and utilized our secret sources that are connected on the deepest levels of security to find out that there are, indeed, 4 additional events that the NFL tests for at their fabled combine.  Here they are.

1.  The 40 Lawyer Dash

40

This test is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  Given the NFL’s recent troubles off the field, this is a speed test in which prospects try to see exactly how quick they can lawyer up should they run into any kind of legal trouble.  How fast can that shifty running back from the Pac-12 manage to find himself a defense attorney?  Can that star linebacker from the SEC get to a prestigious, amoral law firm before TMZ finds out what happened?  This drill is carefully scrutinized by both electronic timing and several corrupt judges brought in to monitor the potential legal proceedings.


2.  The Character-Based Questionnaire

Character

We’ve all heard about the Wonderlic test and we’ve heard horror stories about players with checkered pasts getting questioned by directors of player personnel from various teams.  However, this year the NFL opted for one-question test that allowed them to identify any potential troubles that may occur when the players aren’t on the grid iron.  Because this year: what concerns do they have for you if you’re not Jameis?


3.  The Weed Brick Lateral

Dime-bag lateral

At this point, I’m not sure why this isn’t just a publicly held event like the other parts of the combine.  Every NFL player needs to have a fall guy ready and waiting to say, “Uhh. . .yeah, officer.  That is my weed.  Not the guy driving the Maserati’s.  Totally mine.  Whoops.”  This event tests the dexterity and fast twitch muscles of potential players who are required to quickly dump a brick of weed into the waiting hands of their less-financially-important homeys.


4.  The Goodell Says Jump, You Say “How High.” Vertical Test

Rog

This is, for all intents and purposes, the single most important phase of the NFL’s secret combine.  At least, it is to Roger Goodell.  And, if the man seated on the Iron Throne approves of your obedience and approves of your undying fealty, he will not put your name on the black list.  (*Author’s note: And, yes, that is supposed to be kind of a racist version of a double entendre)  If you deny swearing your blood-oath to the master and high priest of all of the National Football League, Goodell will recommend that are you immediately sent to the football hinterlands to languish in misery for all of eternity.  Or as the NFL calls it: you’ll get drafted by the Buffalo Bills.

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Bill Belichick is one busy dude.  It’s the week of the biggest sporting event of the year and he’s got balls to discuss, asses to kick, and emotions to try to overcome.  Alright, so that last one was definitely a lie.  But he’s definitely got the other two parts of that statement.

So what does a control-freak like Billy B. find himself doing the week before the Super Bowl?  How does a guy with an impeccable organizational structure and planning keep himself right on schedule? By planning everything out during his daily schedule to a T.  That’s how.

Utilizing our top-secret sources, hidden deep within the Patriots organization, we were able to obtain a screenshot of Bill Belichick’s calendar for today’s Super Bowl related activities.

(*Author’s note: as always, I apologize for the crappy formatting, but if you click on the image, all will be revealed.)

Belichick

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Later today the Green Bay Packers will take on the Dallas Cowboys for the right to play in the NFC Championship game.  No matter which team wins, they’ll likely end up getting steam-rolled by the Seattle Seahawks, who look as destined to appear in the Super Bowl as Katy Perry’s hair extensions.

However, for this day: these guys are the big show.  So, since you’re probably going to be watching — and that means you’re definitely going to be drinking — why don’t we lay out for you the official Burnpoetry Cowboys VS Packers drinking game.

Take One Drink
— Whenever Fox gives us a flashback to “The Ice Bowl.” (*Author’s note: I hope you have a DD)

— You hear anyone spell out the word “relax.”

— **DEZ BRYANT SHOUTING AT A TEAMMATE ALERT**

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GIF courtesty of thelandryhat.com

— You realize that the Cowboys QB is just an attractive dude, no Romo.

— Jordy Nelson catches a long bomb and you realize that having a white-dude deep threat in 2015 is about as plausible as the plot from Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.

— Anytime a closeup of Jason Garrett shows his face in that patented haven’t-taken-a-dump-in-a-week-and-I-deperately-need-some-Metamucil blank stare.

Image Courtesy of footbasket.com

— The cameras cut back to the booth and you realize with gut-knifing horror that Joe Buck and Nicolas Cage have the exact same hairlines.

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(*Author’s note: bonus drink if you find yourself believing that this is actually an Illuminati and/or governmental conspiracy to replace our least-beloved broadcaster with our most-beloved actor in an effort to subliminally conquer us all and you realize that Nic Cage will be the only one that can save us from this inevitable end of days.  By stealing the Declaration of Independence.  Again.)

— **CLOSEUP OF TONY ROMO LOOKING FOLKSY IN A BASEBALL CAP**

Take Two Drinks

— If Jason Witten makes a catch and someone around you feels compelled to Google him to check if he’s actually 74-years-old or if it just feels like he’s been in the league for that long.

— The reanimated corpse of zombie Troy Aikman appears to have a pulse or show any type of human emotion.

Image courtesy of: readandreact.net

— Anytime Troy Aikman comments on the game with all the passion and human joy of a granite sarcophagus lid.

— **THERMOMETER ON THE TV ALERT!**

— When you realize that Aaron Rodgers was the 24th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft.
(*Author’s note: bonus drink if you had to Wikipedia some of the guys drafted in front of him. Matt Smith, for instance, was chosen over Rodgers despite being a quarterback converting to wide receiver that had once been caught in a car full of cocaine.)

— When Tony Romo almost gets freight-trained, somehow avoids certain doom and scrambles for what feels like the entire run-time of The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug only to make a great downfield throw.

— When Tony Romo almost gets freight-trained, somehow avoids certain doom and scrambles for what feels like the entire run-time of The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug only to make throw into triple coverage and get picked.

— **CLOSEUP OF AARON RODGERS’ CALF ALERT**

Take 3 Drinks

— When Eddie Lacy hits a hole so quick you almost forget about Fateddie Lacy and the fact that he appeared to have hired a racial-image-repairing Paula Deen to be his private chef so she could cook him deep day fried ticks of butter for 3 meals a day.

Image courtesy of: sportressofblogitude.com

— **LAMBEAU LEAP ALERT**
— (Author’s note: bonus drink if it’s a far guy doing the leap. Because then…everyone’s a winner.)

— Tony Romo’s stats are presented and it appears he’s dramatically better than you realized.

— Tony Romo’s stats are presented and it appears he’s dramatically worse than you realized.

— DeMarco Murray makes a play and anyone you’re around refers to him as ” Spray Tan.”

— Fox cuts to a shot of Jerry Jones’ skybox and catches someone doing something that weirdly infantalizes him.

Chug It. . .Chug It. . .

— Clay Matthews’ hair accidentally comes into contact with Cole Beasley’s hair, immediately tearing a hole in the space-time continuum, and America is treated to a follicle collision so glorious that Rapunzel literally craps her pants with joy.

— Any announcer draws a vaguely boob-like receiver route and you’re creepily reminded of Jerry Jones’ brief stint as an amateur mammographer.

— Something happens that causes Dez Bryant to completely blow his top and you find yourself wondering if he’s about a year and a half away from doing sit-ups in his driveway in front of reporters.

— *******CHRIS CHRISTIE APPARENTLY BEING THE REVERSE VERSION OF THE BIEBER CURSE ALERT*******

Image courtesy of: democraticunderground.com

(*Author’s note: I needed more asterisks to fit him in.)

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This morning the head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Mike Pettine, chose a starting quarterback.  Or at least he announced it to the world this morning.  You may have already guessed that, heard it through the 140-character digital grapevine, or even noticed “Hoyer” trending on Twitter for the first time in the history of the universe.

Pettine announced that Brian Hoyer had been “The clear leader from the start” in a statement he issued early this morning to the press.  So that’s how he informed the media, and thereby the public, of his decision.  But that got me to wondering: how did Pettine break the news to Johnny F. Heisman Football?

Here are some theories on how Mike Pettine relayed this devastating news to Johnny Manziel.


Theory #1: By attempting to put the decision into terms that Johnny would understand.

Benched

We all know that Manziel and rapper Drake are pretty tight.  So what better way to let Manziel down easy than some customized artwork that will call to mind his bromance with his favorite rapper?  I’m sure when Pettine hand-delivered this custom album cover Johnny probably understood exactly what had just happened.


Theory #2: By leaving the memo for Johnny in a place where he knew he’d find it.

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If you want to get a hold of someone, learn their habits and leave them a message where they’re most likely to find it.  I’m sure that Pettine and Manziel’s relationship has had some ups and downs, but if Pettine really wanted to communicate with Johnny he probably knew the best place to get the message across.


Theory #3: By shouting out, “I nominate the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns, Brian Hoyer.” Moments before getting the only ice-bath he’ll probably ever get (*Author’s note: Because, Cleveland) in the Ice Bucket challenge.

Pettine

It’s viral.  It’s trendy.  And it’s for a good cause? The only loser in this scenario is the stunned “Uncle Nate” as Manziel spits out his Bud Light platinum all over Uncle’s iPad in shock.


Theory 4: By Rocking a customized anti-Manziel jersey to practice this morning.

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I predict that this jersey will go on to be one of the top sellers on NFL.com.  Pettine better see if he can get a trademark on this one so he at least gets a chunk of the royalties.


Theory #5: By holding “The Decision II: Decision Harder” at a Boys and Girls Club of Cleveland, sitting down with Jim Gray and announcing that Brian Hoyer would be taking his talents to the starting lineup.

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After Manziel rolls up a $20, snorts some blow off the chest of a supermodel, gives Jim Gray the finger and does the money sign directly in front of his crotch, the special is summarily canceled and the footage is burned in ESPN’s incinerator (*Author’s note: which is powered by the furnace of hot air spewing from Skip Bayless’ mouth on a daily basis).

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It recently came to light that Johnny F. Football may have text the Cleveland Browns organization during the NFL draft to tell them to “hurry up and draft me, already”.  This news story broke today and has run through the internet faster than a Doritos Tacos Locos through your small intestine. But I’ll be damned if those lovable losers in Cleveland, and their penchant for texting like Tweens at a slumber party, just can’t find a way to stay out of the news these days.  After news of Manziel’s texting went viral, it had me wondering what other text messages members of the Cleveland Browns were probably getting the night of the NFL draft.  Surely Manziel couldn’t have been the only blowing up Cleveland personnel members’ phones. As it turns out he wasn’t.  Before we get too far into the other messages that were balooning the team Data plan for the Browns, though, I was able to obtain an exclusive screenshot of that now-infamous Manziel text.  Let’s take a look at what he really  sent to the Browns. Text

Not quite what the media would lead you to believe, right?  Well that wasn’t the half of it.  The Browns were on their smart phones, hammering out text correspondences with startling rapidity on that fateful night.  Here’s a few more text messages that we were able to obtain that came into some staff members in Cleveland.

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Uh-oh.  It wouldn’t be the NFL if Timothy Richard Tebow wasn’t rearing his hyper-square-jawline-having head, would it? Speaking of washed up QB’s that haven’t played in a while, it looks like the Browns were getting offers from all kinds of players on the night of the draft. . .current and former.

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Josh Gordon was also busy texting management that night.  Take a look.

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The great Kevin Costner was even blowing up that data plan with texts on the night of the draft.

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Roger Goodell is a pretty busy dude.  He’s got money to count, concussions to meticulously mis-remember, and a draft to plan.  With a schedule that jam-packed, we figured Goodell would be pretty organized.  What we didn’t realize is that he’d be this organized.  Thankfully, after pulling a few strings within the inner circles of the NFL Commissioner, we were able to get an exclusive screenshot of what his plan for “The Big Day” looks like.

Here’s Roger Goodell’s calendar for the NFL Draft.

(*Author’s note: as usual, I apologize for the lousy formatting.  Just click on the Calendar and all will be revealed.)

 

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