Later today the Green Bay Packers will take on the Dallas Cowboys for the right to play in the NFC Championship game. No matter which team wins, they’ll likely end up getting steam-rolled by the Seattle Seahawks, who look as destined to appear in the Super Bowl as Katy Perry’s hair extensions.
However, for this day: these guys are the big show. So, since you’re probably going to be watching — and that means you’re definitely going to be drinking — why don’t we lay out for you the official Burnpoetry Cowboys VS Packers drinking game.
Take One Drink
— Whenever Fox gives us a flashback to “The Ice Bowl.” (*Author’s note: I hope you have a DD)
— You hear anyone spell out the word “relax.”
— **DEZ BRYANT SHOUTING AT A TEAMMATE ALERT**
GIF courtesty of thelandryhat.com
— You realize that the Cowboys QB is just an attractive dude, no Romo.
— Jordy Nelson catches a long bomb and you realize that having a white-dude deep threat in 2015 is about as plausible as the plot from Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.
— Anytime a closeup of Jason Garrett shows his face in that patented haven’t-taken-a-dump-in-a-week-and-I-deperately-need-some-Metamucil blank stare.
Image Courtesy of footbasket.com
— The cameras cut back to the booth and you realize with gut-knifing horror that Joe Buck and Nicolas Cage have the exact same hairlines.
(*Author’s note: bonus drink if you find yourself believing that this is actually an Illuminati and/or governmental conspiracy to replace our least-beloved broadcaster with our most-beloved actor in an effort to subliminally conquer us all and you realize that Nic Cage will be the only one that can save us from this inevitable end of days. By stealing the Declaration of Independence. Again.)
— **CLOSEUP OF TONY ROMO LOOKING FOLKSY IN A BASEBALL CAP**
Take Two Drinks
— If Jason Witten makes a catch and someone around you feels compelled to Google him to check if he’s actually 74-years-old or if it just feels like he’s been in the league for that long.
— The reanimated corpse of zombie Troy Aikman appears to have a pulse or show any type of human emotion.
Image courtesy of: readandreact.net
— Anytime Troy Aikman comments on the game with all the passion and human joy of a granite sarcophagus lid.
— **THERMOMETER ON THE TV ALERT!**
— When you realize that Aaron Rodgers was the 24th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft.
(*Author’s note: bonus drink if you had to Wikipedia some of the guys drafted in front of him. Matt Smith, for instance, was chosen over Rodgers despite being a quarterback converting to wide receiver that had once been caught in a car full of cocaine.)
— When Tony Romo almost gets freight-trained, somehow avoids certain doom and scrambles for what feels like the entire run-time of The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug only to make a great downfield throw.
— When Tony Romo almost gets freight-trained, somehow avoids certain doom and scrambles for what feels like the entire run-time of The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug only to make throw into triple coverage and get picked.
— **CLOSEUP OF AARON RODGERS’ CALF ALERT**
Take 3 Drinks
— When Eddie Lacy hits a hole so quick you almost forget about Fateddie Lacy and the fact that he appeared to have hired a racial-image-repairing Paula Deen to be his private chef so she could cook him deep day fried ticks of butter for 3 meals a day.
Image courtesy of: sportressofblogitude.com
— **LAMBEAU LEAP ALERT**
— (Author’s note: bonus drink if it’s a far guy doing the leap. Because then…everyone’s a winner.)
— Tony Romo’s stats are presented and it appears he’s dramatically better than you realized.
— Tony Romo’s stats are presented and it appears he’s dramatically worse than you realized.
— DeMarco Murray makes a play and anyone you’re around refers to him as ” Spray Tan.”
— Fox cuts to a shot of Jerry Jones’ skybox and catches someone doing something that weirdly infantalizes him.
Chug It. . .Chug It. . .
— Clay Matthews’ hair accidentally comes into contact with Cole Beasley’s hair, immediately tearing a hole in the space-time continuum, and America is treated to a follicle collision so glorious that Rapunzel literally craps her pants with joy.
— Any announcer draws a vaguely boob-like receiver route and you’re creepily reminded of Jerry Jones’ brief stint as an amateur mammographer.
— Something happens that causes Dez Bryant to completely blow his top and you find yourself wondering if he’s about a year and a half away from doing sit-ups in his driveway in front of reporters.
— *******CHRIS CHRISTIE APPARENTLY BEING THE REVERSE VERSION OF THE BIEBER CURSE ALERT*******
Image courtesy of: democraticunderground.com
(*Author’s note: I needed more asterisks to fit him in.)