Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

Tom Brady — and more specifically: Tom’s Phone — has gotten a lot of heat recently for what may or may not be nestled snugly in that i-Phone inbox.  In case you somehow missed it: Tom has been suspended 4 games by the most powerful court in the land: The NFL.  While Roger Goodell was busy going all Judge Dredd out there on Patriots fans (*Author’s note: who shouldn’t be too worried about a rested, pissed off Brady coming back for the remaining 12 games of next year) the public at large has been wondering what was really in Tom’s phone.

While I don’t know what his phone might have looked like around the time in question, I have a pretty good idea of what Tom Brady’s inbox looked like this morning.  How do I know?  Because he decided he’d had enough of speculation and he wanted to turn his phone over to a serious journalist.  Let’s take a look at Tom Brady’s inbox:

Brady's Inbox

Pretty telling stuff.  And while there’s no direct mentions in there referencing anything we can presume to be guilt or innocence, it does paint a pretty interesting picture of what life is like off the field for Mr. Ugg.

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Garth Brooks is in Omaha, Nebraska right now.  If you’re living anywhere near the entire state of Nebraska, there’s a good chance you’ve been touched by the madness or at least know someone who has.  He’s doing something like 10 shows in 5 nights or something utterly insane like that and the people around where I live can’t seem to get enough.

I thought this would be the perfect time to dig into my personal writing archives and pull out my old, failed, script: College Musical which is a musical featuring genre-stretching parodies as it follows around a group of college students trying to catch a coke-snorting Dean of Admissions and out his corruption.  In short: it’s ridiculous.  However, one of the songs has been rattling around in my brain all week: Butterfaces.

In the scene featuring this parody of Garth’s legendary sing-along-song, Friends in Low Places, one of our characters is trying to come to grips with the fact that he has a crippling addiction to butterfaces.  After he knocks down a few brews, suddenly his senses dissipate and he’s on the prowl.

Is he the hunter?  Or is he being hunted?  Is he a but-his-face?  Is that even a thing for girls?

Just listen to the song.

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Roger Goodell is one busy dude these days.  He’s running a billion dollar league, has a new crop of rookies to rule with an iron fist until the grovel before him begging for forgiveness take under his wing, and millions of his own to Scrooge-McDuck-Backstroke through in his vault.

So how does a guy like Roger Goodell keep himself organized on a crazy day like the NFL draft?  By meticulously planning out every free moment of his day with a calendar of course.  We were able to obtain a screenshot of what this calendar looks like, only a day ahead of the 2015 NFL Draft.  Take a look.

(*Author’s note: as usual, I apologize for the crappy formatting.  Just click the image and it will expand for you.)

Goodell

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On November 30th, 2014 a coach named Bo Pelini disappeared for the second time that year.  The first time was on November 22nd in Madison, Wisconsin — and well get to more on that later — but this was his second time going missing.  And this time it was for good.

Skerial, a new Podcast from NCB, investigates the mysterious circumstances and the conspiracy theories that abound surrounding the former Nebraska Football lightning rod.  Episode one sets the scene.

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Chip Kelly has been making waves this NFL offseason.  The Eagles have pretty much established at this point that they’re going to do whatever the F- they want.  And, in this case, it appears highly likely that Chip Kelly wants Tim Tebow on his roster.  Nope.  You’re not high.  Or, actually, you might be.  But that’s still a report that’s been circulating.

We live in a digital age and No Coast Bias has some of the finest hackers this side of Edward Snowden.  We’ve used those hackers to snatch up some of the text messages Eagles Coach Chip Kelly received last night once news of the impending Tebow to the Eagles signing broke.  Here they are for your enjoyment.


Even some NFL Draft Prospects Wanted to Capitalize on the Tebow Name for their Own Personal Gain

Winston


Upon Hearing that Chip was Handing Out Second Chances, Even Convicts Got in on the Action

It seems like everyone was reaching out to Kelly for 2nd chances

Hernandez


The Man Who Most Experts Predict Will Be Philly’s Week-One Starter Wanted to Check in with His Head Coach

The current most-likely starter weighed in with his thoughts on the signing

Bradford


Even the Man of the Hour (long Sportscenter special that will inevitably air this morning) Wanted to Thank Chip Personally

The man himself contacted Chip to discuss their future.

Tebow


One of Chip’s Two USC QB’s shot off a quick message to the coach.

Some of Chip's backups were a little worried about Tebow's acquisition.

Barkley


Everyone’s Favorite Accidental Racist Accidentally Text His Coach During the Melee

Riley Cooper checked in with his coach.

Riley Cooper checked in with his coach.


And Even Chip’s Personal Friend Dave Chappelle Took Time out from Pre-Gaming for 4/20 to Fire Off a Cautionary Message

Even famed comedian, Dave Chappelle, wanted to weigh in on the Tebow pick-up.

Chappelle

Tim Miles is having kind of a rough year.  After starting the year out with high expectations, and what appeared to be a program on the brink of wave-riding their way down a big Tsunami of momentum carried over from an incredible finish to the 2014 season, the Husker Men’s Basketball team has crashed and burned in Evel Knievel-like fashion.

Miles has tried coaching them up, slowing it down, guest speakers, and virtually anything short of hiring a voodoo priestess to come in and stick pins in Melo Trimble’s hair-doll.  (*Author’s note: he may have done that at some point, too.)  His latest desperate tactic has been locking the Huskers out of their locker room and posh traning facilities at the Hendricks Training Complex.

That means the players will have no smoothie bar, no shower heads with Bluetooth speakers and no players lounge which basically looks like Macauly Culkin’s house from Richie Rich.

So, with not a moment to lose, Tim is taking one last desperate move to fire up his team.  He’s pulling out all the stops to try to get his team motivated for the final few games of the year.  This is the leaked audio of his latest attempt: a stunningly dope rap track and music video.  The words to the song are listed beneath the song.

(Intro)

If you havin’ real problems, I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one.

I got dudes brickin’ threes while I’m grabbing deeze
Haters up in stripes I call ‘em referees
Stinking up the Vault, yo I need Febreze
Bout to snap like a tendon in D-Rose’s knees
I’m from the great white North, more Dakota than Fanning,
Call me the GOAT like I’m Peyton Manning
Underneath this button up I’m built like Tatum, Channing
Taking more selfies than a girl who be tanning.
I’m catching all types’a shit from those Twitter Bros
And Walt P’s in the paint and he’s throwing Bos
Shavon’s so damn smart he’s worried ‘bout Microbes
And I can’t stop staring at Thad Matta’s nose.
I’m getting’ so emotional, startin’ to feel my feelings
And I still don’t know the damn difference between Australia and New Zealand.
From D3 to D1, Son, I Ain’t Dumb
I got 99 Problems, but Hendricks Ain’t One.
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

Well it’s 2015 and I’m so, so def
But standin’ in my way? It’s the motherfuckin’ ref.
I got two choices, ya’ll, shut my mouth up or
Chase down that Douche and start to stompin’ on the floor.
Now I ain’t trying send ‘em to the free throw line
But I got a few dollars I can pay the fine
So he pulls me over to the side of the court
And I heard “Son do you know why I’m techin’ you for?”
Cause I’m nerdy and I’m pissed and you’re screwing my team
And you’re worried I’m bout to turn you into a Twitter Meme?
Should I head back to the Bench, to try to let off steam?
“Well you was getting too loud when you started to scream
Head back to your bench for I throw your ass out
“Now if you’ll excuse, me Tim, I’m goin’ over there to pout”
I ain’t going back to shit, all my gripes are legit
“Do you mind if I talk to those other ref a bit?”
Well the fans are all pissed and so’s the rest of my staff
And trust me when I say you don’t want Molinari’s wrath
“Listen, I’m probably shouting ‘Boom’ when I drop the T,
“Unless you take two steps back and away from me!”
Well I’m not backin’ up, this is turned to a mess
You’re reffing up this game like your name’s Carl Hess
“See how you feel when the league fines you a ton”
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

Now once upon a ‘bout a season ago
We were magma hot, straight smokin’ yo.
We were burning through teams: the passion, the drama!
Now we’re 4th tier news behind a bunch of Llamas.
With all the losses, the haters be hatin’
The best part of this year? Man, at least we’re not Creighton.
Yeah, sure, they might’ve beat us in the head to head
But that’s like being the deadest Zombie on Walking Dead.
We’re losing more than the pounds of Rick Ross
And this season’s ass backwards callin’ it Kriss Kross.
We’re fadin’ real hard at the end of the race
Why does Fran McCaffrey have such a punchable face?
And now come March, it’s our thumbs they’re gonna twiddle
And our fan base is dividing like Tom Crean’s hair middle
But next year Huskers, it’s eternal hope springs
And we’ll see what new guys and some 4 stars brings
Maybe we’ll learn to break a full court press
Beat it black and blue like that Twitter Dress
Or was that gold and white, yo my rap is done.
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

99 Problems but Hendricks ain’t one
If you having real problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Hendricks ain’t one
Hit me

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The NFL is known for being an all-powerful, narrative-vice-gripping, billionaires club.  So what usually happens when you get a bunch of super-rich white dudes together that are struggling to control their apparent image problems?  (*Author’s note: it’s called congress.  Hiiiii-oooooh! But Seriously. . .)

You get more even more secrets and ass-covering than even a paranoid Illuminati-crazed whacko could come up with.  At No Coast Bias we’re determined to crack the code and get the behind-the-scenes access that our readership demands.

This is where the NFL Combine comes into play.  The combine has turned into a multi-day hypefest that explodes onto our social media timelines with pictures of fat guys burning through more 40s than in a party scene for a Big Pun biopic, NFL fanbases losing their minds over the measurables of their favorite prospect, and a whole lot of super-athletes being judged by chubby dudes sitting at their office desks (Author’s note: see: Hatch, Chris).

But what about the lesser-publicized events that the NFL uses to try to judge a prospect?  Are there, in fact, secret “measurables” that only the innermost circles of the NFL Combine are privy to?  We dug deep and utilized our secret sources that are connected on the deepest levels of security to find out that there are, indeed, 4 additional events that the NFL tests for at their fabled combine.  Here they are.

1.  The 40 Lawyer Dash

40

This test is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.  Given the NFL’s recent troubles off the field, this is a speed test in which prospects try to see exactly how quick they can lawyer up should they run into any kind of legal trouble.  How fast can that shifty running back from the Pac-12 manage to find himself a defense attorney?  Can that star linebacker from the SEC get to a prestigious, amoral law firm before TMZ finds out what happened?  This drill is carefully scrutinized by both electronic timing and several corrupt judges brought in to monitor the potential legal proceedings.


2.  The Character-Based Questionnaire

Character

We’ve all heard about the Wonderlic test and we’ve heard horror stories about players with checkered pasts getting questioned by directors of player personnel from various teams.  However, this year the NFL opted for one-question test that allowed them to identify any potential troubles that may occur when the players aren’t on the grid iron.  Because this year: what concerns do they have for you if you’re not Jameis?


3.  The Weed Brick Lateral

Dime-bag lateral

At this point, I’m not sure why this isn’t just a publicly held event like the other parts of the combine.  Every NFL player needs to have a fall guy ready and waiting to say, “Uhh. . .yeah, officer.  That is my weed.  Not the guy driving the Maserati’s.  Totally mine.  Whoops.”  This event tests the dexterity and fast twitch muscles of potential players who are required to quickly dump a brick of weed into the waiting hands of their less-financially-important homeys.


4.  The Goodell Says Jump, You Say “How High.” Vertical Test

Rog

This is, for all intents and purposes, the single most important phase of the NFL’s secret combine.  At least, it is to Roger Goodell.  And, if the man seated on the Iron Throne approves of your obedience and approves of your undying fealty, he will not put your name on the black list.  (*Author’s note: And, yes, that is supposed to be kind of a racist version of a double entendre)  If you deny swearing your blood-oath to the master and high priest of all of the National Football League, Goodell will recommend that are you immediately sent to the football hinterlands to languish in misery for all of eternity.  Or as the NFL calls it: you’ll get drafted by the Buffalo Bills.

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