Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

I think that, societally, we can all agree with one another that we could use some more emojis in our day-to-day lives.  What are these intricate, decipherable little images, if not a chance for us to communicate with one another more effectively.  Right?  Right.

So, with that being said, and with all the excitement of the NBA Playoffs Eastern and Western conference finals engulfing the sports world, we thought it would be a good time to debut some NBA conference final emojis.  Here they are with a Rosetta Stone style explanation to help you out with their translation and day-to-day usage.  You’re welcome in advance.


Cute
Definition: The Cutest

What it is: A picture of Steph Curry’s adorable little daughter that he brought with him to the press conference after the Warriors’ Game 1 win in the Western Conference finals.

How to use it: If there’s something so cute that you really can’t describe it?  BOOM.  Emoji that piece.  Just make sure, whatever you do, that you don’t send it to Brian Windhorst.

Used in a tweenage text-sentence: 

Guy: “I totes LY babe.”
Girl: “Our love is like Cute


Brick
Definition: This was supposed to be easy, but I keep F-ing it up. HELP!!

What it is: An image of Houston Rockets center, Dwight Howard, after he continues to shoot 40% from the Free Throw line.

How to use it: ever have something that’s supposed to be, like, super-easy but for some reason you struggle with it?  Like remembering which direction is East when your inside your office building?  Or reading a non-digital clock?  Get your emoj on.

Used in a tweenage text-sentence:

Dude #1: “Come pick me up. I’m on the East side of the building.”
Dude #2: “Which side is the one on the East? I suck at directions.”
Dude #1: “The place where the Sun rises, idiot. THE EAST.”
Dude #2: “Brick


Run!

Definition: OMGOMGOMG: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What it is: An image of Kyle Korver running directly out of LeBron’s path with the stupefied look of pure terror that usually only accompanies someone getting stabbed from behind in a Friday the 13th movie while they’re in mid-coitus.  Korver, appearing for all the world like a man who knew his time had come, treated Bron-Bron like an Ebola patient having a coughing fit and cleared out of his vicinity with all the haste his legs would allow.

How to use it: Anytime you think that the S is about the hit the F.  The end of days is nigh and you need to get out.  Here’s the emoji to warn everyone in the most dire of circumstances.

Used in a text-sentence:

Guy: “Hey, baby. I managed to sneak in your window and I’m up in your bed. . .;)”
Girl: “You did?!? My Dad just pulled up in the driveway! Run!


Hungry
Definition: I’m cooking us food.

What it is: James Harden’s celebratory cooking dance.

How to use it: Are you getting ready to make a delicious meal (*Author’s note: and then post the obligatory photo to your Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter feeds in an effort to show people that you are both handy in the kitchen and so above eating out.) and you want someone to know?  Harden will handle that.

Used in a text-sentence:

Girl: “Hey, girl. I’m hungry. You wanna come get some food?”
Girl #2: “Actually, why don’t you come over here and let’s Hungry?”

Girl #1: “As long as we can post it with my favorite IG filter. I like Valencia when I’m showing the food I’m eating.


Cursed
Definition: You’re cursed, son!

What it is: The great voodoo shaman, Lil B, curser of NBA players and scorcher of the earth! Bow before his might and wrath!  (*Author’s note: Lil B was not consulted in the writing of this article and I would greatly appreciate it if he spared me from one of his legendary curses.)

How to use it: Are you worried that someone is stealing a patented dance move of yours to celebrate hitting a clutch three pointer in the NBA Playoffs?  Do you think that someone has disrespected you or has horrendously bad luck?  Then this is the emoji for you.

Used in a text-sentence:

Dude #1: “Man, so I just shattered that mirror I keep underneath my ladder when I walked underneath to open this mummy sarcophagus. My black cat won’t get out of the way either. lol.”

Dude #2: “Cursed

Dude#2 (again): “Cursed

Dude #2 (just to reiterate): “Cursed

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At 12:05 AM in the fifth month of the year 2015, this happened.

https://twitter.com/nfl/status/601252348812468224

Which is fantastic.  It certainly appears that the NFL social media guy snuck into Roger Goodell’s malted liquor cabinet and got himself a couple drinks, sat down and decided to light Twitter on fire with an acrostic message.  Yup.  That’s right.  It looks like the passive-aggressive NFL went all 4th grade poetry on us in a tweet meant to underhandedly deride the New England Patriots and their ever-deflating balls.

They’ve got P, S, and I in there.  And a Colts player, too.  Well done.  Since this was funny, I’m sure the NFL will fire this guy while continuing to employ this guy with the Cleveland Browns.

But this wasn’t the only time last night the NFL decided to try to send out a Nic-Cage-in-every-Nic-Cage-Movie-ever coded message last night.  Here were 7 other tweets the NFL put out and then quickly deleted.

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Garth Brooks is in Omaha, Nebraska right now.  If you’re living anywhere near the entire state of Nebraska, there’s a good chance you’ve been touched by the madness or at least know someone who has.  He’s doing something like 10 shows in 5 nights or something utterly insane like that and the people around where I live can’t seem to get enough.

I thought this would be the perfect time to dig into my personal writing archives and pull out my old, failed, script: College Musical which is a musical featuring genre-stretching parodies as it follows around a group of college students trying to catch a coke-snorting Dean of Admissions and out his corruption.  In short: it’s ridiculous.  However, one of the songs has been rattling around in my brain all week: Butterfaces.

In the scene featuring this parody of Garth’s legendary sing-along-song, Friends in Low Places, one of our characters is trying to come to grips with the fact that he has a crippling addiction to butterfaces.  After he knocks down a few brews, suddenly his senses dissipate and he’s on the prowl.

Is he the hunter?  Or is he being hunted?  Is he a but-his-face?  Is that even a thing for girls?

Just listen to the song.

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Are you one of those disenfranchised, embittered people who doesn’t get out to the polls when it’s time to perform your civic duty?  Are you the guy/girl who grumbles angrily about “all the crooks” that we have to deal with when casting a ballot for an elected office?  Cut it out.  You know why?  Because here‘s why:

Tim

Boom!

Yes, that’s Tim Miles in a G-Unit man-scarf with his head tilted to the side so you know he means business. Yesterday was election day in Lincoln, Nebraska, the home of the Nebraska Cornhuskers.  And Tim wanted you to know that it’s time to get off your obesity-epidemic-suffering-ass and go vote for city council, mayor, and last but certainly not least: airport authority.

And lest you think that Tim is going the civic-duty-route all by his lonesome, have a taste of this:

Mike

POW!  That’s Mike Riley.  He’s new to these parts but he still wants you to get your A out of your desk chair and go hang some chads.

I know.  I know.  I’m sure you’re thinking: “Hey, Chris, this is stupid.”  And “Hey, Chris, you are a terrible photoshopper.”  And you would be right on both counts.  But before you glass-house-living haters throw stones, here’s this little number for you to try on:

bank

That’s the last one.  I promise, I’m done.  But check out the necklace on Mark Banker (*Author’s note: Banksy? Still trying on crappy nicknames for him, at this point.) as he reminds us that Airport Authority isn’t going to elect itself.

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Roger Goodell is one busy dude these days.  He’s running a billion dollar league, has a new crop of rookies to rule with an iron fist until the grovel before him begging for forgiveness take under his wing, and millions of his own to Scrooge-McDuck-Backstroke through in his vault.

So how does a guy like Roger Goodell keep himself organized on a crazy day like the NFL draft?  By meticulously planning out every free moment of his day with a calendar of course.  We were able to obtain a screenshot of what this calendar looks like, only a day ahead of the 2015 NFL Draft.  Take a look.

(*Author’s note: as usual, I apologize for the crappy formatting.  Just click the image and it will expand for you.)

Goodell

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On November 30th, 2014 a coach named Bo Pelini disappeared for the second time that year.  The first time was on November 22nd in Madison, Wisconsin — and well get to more on that later — but this was his second time going missing.  And this time it was for good.

Skerial, a new Podcast from NCB, investigates the mysterious circumstances and the conspiracy theories that abound surrounding the former Nebraska Football lightning rod.  Episode one sets the scene.

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In a video that began circulating the internet on April 22, 2015 I truly believe that YouTube jumped the shark.  I know this is a bold statement to make, but it’s one that I feel I can back up with hard video evidence.  Here, submitted for your viewing pleasure, is a girl peeing herself while being interviewed about a guy being shot.  Take your time and enjoy.  Analysis will follow.

I’m usually pretty skeptical about this kind of thing.  Many times I’m the first cynic to shout out: “That shit is staged!” But, I have to admit, this video clip certainly seems pretty legit.  So let’s break down the different phases of this interview.

Phase 1) Before you even starte the video, note the girls’ stance.  It’s classic about-to-open-the-urine-floodgates posture.  I thought people doing the news were supposed to be astute observers of the human condition.

Phase 2) The girl first mentions she needs to pee.  She’s not subtle.  She just tags that part on in mid-interview.

Phase 3) The reporter assumes the dude that got shot had to go pee.  “Oh, that’s what he said?” She says, not understanding that her cross-legged homegirl here appears to have been crushing 64-ounce slushies over at the gas station all day.  Classic mistake.  The reporter has clearly seen Forrest Gump too many times.

Phase 4) “I got to pee. I’m peeing myself.” At this point, the reporter doesn’t back down or even attempt to shut things down.  She’s really going for that local Emmy, damnit, and some girl who is now visibly grabbing herself in an effort to HOLD IN HER BODILY FUNCTIONS isn’t going to stop her.

Phase 5)  She now whispers the words “I got to pee” to someone off camera.  This stage is when you know shit just got real.  Think about it.  Whenever someone whispers something in a movie, that means it’s more important.

If you whisper something to me when I’m reporting it, it’s getting my attention.  Because it’s either a confession, a declaration of some heinous crime you’re planning to commit, or it’s because you’re about to urinate down your leg in HD.  The reporter is unphased by this silently mouthed revelation.

Phase 6) “I just peed myself.”

Phase 7) The reporter attempts to show a little human compassion and touch our pants-wetting friend on the shoulder with faux-concern.  The girl wobbles as she loses control.  Yup.  She’s just peed herself on live TV.

Phase 8) The girl’s pants begin to show the end result of her lack of bladder control.  And, of course, she’s wearing khakis.  Because, if you were going to manage to pee yourself in front of a large TV audience the last pair of pants you’d want to wear would be tight, pee-showing khakis.

Phase 9)  Give the girl credit, here.  She’s still trying to finish the damn interview.  That’s heart.  That’s character.  She wants to help out the people of Greenville, Mississippi so they know what’s going on.  The fact that she’s now being forced to hide her pee-stains isn’t going to deter her from doing her civic duty.

Phase 10) This face:

Capture

Phase 11) Only now, after the reporter realizes she’s crossed the threshold of human decency and created an R. Kelly snuff film, does she attempt to end the interview.  My favorite part: the guys who uploaded this video to YouTube absolutely lose it here.

Phase 12) Someone get this girl an Emmy.  And some clean pants.

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