Text From Last Night: Deflategate Edition

Over the last few days we’ve all become certifiable experts on PSI, ball inflation, and have found ourselves inundated with #deflategate and all the insanity the comes with an extra long week of NFL Super Bowl hype.  Yesterday, Tom Brady addressed the media and went into excruciating detail about the minutiae of how he picks out his footballs for use in the games.

He denied any and all allegations of tampering with the pigskin.  Tom Brady, according to Tom Brady, always has and always will play fair.  But you can bet that as soon as Tom stepped off that podium and headed back to his supermodel wife his phone was exploding with text messages.

Fortunately for you, we’ve partnered up with everyone’s favorite perv-hackers – you know, the ones who have made every celebrity cower in fear as they feverishly attempted to delete their sext messages from “The Cloud”— and managed to get just a snippet of some of the texts that were sent to Tom Brady last night.

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A confused former Tour de France champion weighed in with his opinion on the matter.

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Tom’s favorite Red-Zone Target wanted to extend his heartfelt support.

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New England Running back, and most ironically named human on earth, LeGarrette Blount reached out to offer his thoughts.

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Tom’s long-time adversary fired off a quick, parody-song-laden text.

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Tom was even getting accidental texts last night!

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Tom received nothing but support from his long-time coach.

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A mystery texter weighed in with thoughts on a possible replacement, should Brady get suspended.

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Even the Dallas Cowboys had players reaching out to Brady.

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Even the defensive players from the Patriots were showing their support for their QB.

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None other than the ‘Ole Gunslinger made a textual appearance on Brady’s phone.

FIN

2014 Sports Stars/Celebrities Valentine’s Day Digital Dropbox

Last year I opened up the site to any celebs/sports stars that might want to drop off a personalized Valentine’s Day card for anyone who might want to see.  Boy was it a hit.  So much so, in fact, that I had to reopen the Valentine’s Day Digital Drop Box once again and get in the cards from the stars.  Just click play on the videos to take a look.

Bruce Jenner took a few minutes off from getting his Adam’s apple shaved by a plastic surgeon (*Author’s note: yes, that’s apparently a thing) to send some love your way.

Peyton took some time to extend a little Valentine’s Day love in our direction.

Shia Labeouf took a breather from his mid-career, meth-lab-explosion of douchery, to make sure to give us some original content.

Shaun White may have only gotten fourth in Sochi, but he’s still #1 in your heart, right?

Richard Sherman needed a place to express his deepest, most pasionate love for. . .Richard Sherman?

Peyton wasn’t the only Manning to stop by and send a little V-Day love your way, either.  His brother Eli sent in a card, too.

We all knew A-Rod had a little extra time on his hands, but I didn’t think he’d take up writing love poems during his one-year ban.

Friend of the blog OJ convinced his parole board to let him send in a Valentine’s day message to all of his fans here.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

FIN

The Official Super Bowl 48 Drinking Game

The Super Bowl is almost here.  And you know what that means: lots and lots of gripping talk about the legalization and sociopolitical ramifications of Marijuana in Colorado and Washington State.  And football, too.  So if you’re a Seahawks or a Broncos fan, wipe the Doritos Tacos Locos stains from your fingers, stop Googling “What does XLVIII =?” and get to your printer and crank out the official Super Bowl 47 Drinking Game.

Take One Drink:
–  Anytime you hear the word “Omaha.”  (*Author’s note: I’m just kidding.  I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.)
–  If Peyton Manning gets hit so hard you think that his medically-MacGyver’d neck might just start spinning on its axis like he’s starring in an off-Broadway production of The Exorcist.
–  If you wake up mid-second quarter and realize that you had been rocked to sleep in the sweet, sweet, monotone- python-death-embrace of one Joseph Francis Buck.
–  When you find yourself trying to figure out exactly what race Bruno Mars is.
(*Author’s note: BONUS DRINK if you settle on “alien race.”)
–  When you and everyone around you smart-phone Googles Who the hell is Renee Fleming? as soon as the PA annoucners says, “And now, with the singing of our national anthem, Renee Fleming!”
–  If the lifeless corpse known as Troy Aikman begins to show signs of reanimation and you feel certain that you’re witnessing the start to the zombie apocalypse on live TV.
–  Whenever Fox cuts to a fan in the stands that dropped $6 Grand just to get stage 4 advanced frostbite in his testes.
–  If you find yourself contemplating cyberbullying Erin Andrews.
–  If any Fox sports personality claims that a cold weather Super Bowl was a bad idea.
–  If any Fox sports personality claims that “This is the way football was meant to be played.”
–  If you watch Michael Strahan’s teeth, engaged in their unending tug-of-war, as they tectonically shift farther and farther apart and you realize that there should definitely be a Nicolas Cage movie where he somehow is involved in stopping the theft of/stealing Strahan’s tusks to be sold as aphrodisiacs on the black market in Hong Kong.
 
Take Two Drinks:
 –  **CUTAWAY TO THE INTERIOR OF A NEW YORK PIZZA JOINT/DELI ALERT**
–  When the announcers drop a stunning, top-secret, bombshell on the nation: Russell Wilson was drafted in the 3rd round!  OMG!?!?  He WAS?!?!?!?  Better devote some time to it.
(*Author’s note: BONUS DRINK if they show a graphic with all the players taken over him.)
(*Secondary Author’s note: do a shot if Troy Aiman raps the Eminem lyrics, “Russell Wilson, fallin’ way back. . .”)
–  Anytime you hear the words “Legacy” when the announcers are talking about Peyton Manning.
–  When you realize that Marshawn Lynch looks like the token black swashbuckler from any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
–  When they show Wes Welker’s brutally painful drop from the Patriots V.S. Giants Super Bowl.
–  When Fox comes back from a billion dollar commercial break to the sounds of Frank Sinatra or Jay-Z and Alicia Keys.
(*Author’s note: side drinking game: before the game officially starts, each person declares that they’re either #TeamSinatra or #TeamHova and then whichever song plays first wins and the other group must chug half a beer. Your welcome, America.)
–  If Peyton Manning takes off his helmet, and you become concerned that his forehead may have been involved in a pre-game car accident.
 –  If Peyton Manning removes his helmet and the blotchy crimson square that is located directly in the middle of his fivehead brings new meaning to the term “Red Zone.”
–  If You find yourself wondering if Peyton Manning is, in fact, wearing a helmet that he bought for a child from the MetLife Stadium gift shop before the game.
(*Author’s note: seriously. Can he loosen up his helmet a little bit? I’m worried that he’s going to get concussed just putting his helmet on.)
 
Take Three Drinks
 –  **UNNECESSARY PIECE DESIGNED TO SHOW US THAT RICHARD SHERMAN ISN’T A “THUG” BUT IS, IN FACT, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT ALERT**
(*Author’s note: BONUS DRINK if you don’t buy that “Hey, he’s smart, so that means that he is utterly incapable of being an arrogant prick” backlash that immediately swept the country like a hyperbole wildfire of counter-opinion.)
(*Secondary Author’s note: As you can tell, I’ll be drinking right along with you.)
–  When Fox gives us a shot of the sidelines and we catch a live glimpse at the epic, perfectly unkempt, stubble-off that has been occurring all year between Eric Decker and Wes Welker.
–  Each time Bruno Mars airhumps the brisk New Jersey night air so erotically that Prince gets embarrassed.
–  **PEYTON MANNING’S LACKLUSTER POST-SEASON W/L RECORD GRAPHIC ALERT**
 –  If Richard Sherman talks so much that the fog from his hot breath in the cold February air creates its own winter storm front that sweeps across the country.  (*Author’s note: Winter Storm Adderall sounds about right for the name.)
–  If Anyone around you refers to Joe Buck as “Young Buck.”
(*Author’s note: *BONUS DRINK* if someone fires off any terrible Buck puns that sound like you’re dropping an F-Bomb i.e. “Go Buck yourself, Joe.”)
–  If the Seahawks’ secondary puts the PEDal to the metal, making the Broncos look PEDestrian, and the walloPED player finds himself galloPED over like a sick child wishing he was going to visit the PEDiatrician.  (*Author’s note: see what I did there?  If you do, take another drink.)

Chug it. . .Chug it. . .Chug it. . .
–  If “I really only watch for the commercials” guy takes his ironically mustachioed face off his microbrew IPA, takes a puff on his vapor cigarette before sticking it back into his corduroy pants, and then asks you to keep it down so he can watch this Volkswagen commercial. 
–  If you catch on fire from staring at Joe Buck’s hair for more than 11 consecutive seconds.
–  If either a Broncos fan or a Seahawks fan brings brownies to your Super Bowl party and you hesitate before taking a bite.
–  If either a Broncos fan or a Seahawks fan brings brownies to your Super Bowl party and you dive right in, hoping they’ll kick in just in time for the third quarter.
–  If you realize the irony of Bruno Mars doing a Pepsi sponsored halftime commercial, even though he’s clearly a coke guy.

FIN