Posts Tagged ‘Parody’

Garth Brooks is in Omaha, Nebraska right now.  If you’re living anywhere near the entire state of Nebraska, there’s a good chance you’ve been touched by the madness or at least know someone who has.  He’s doing something like 10 shows in 5 nights or something utterly insane like that and the people around where I live can’t seem to get enough.

I thought this would be the perfect time to dig into my personal writing archives and pull out my old, failed, script: College Musical which is a musical featuring genre-stretching parodies as it follows around a group of college students trying to catch a coke-snorting Dean of Admissions and out his corruption.  In short: it’s ridiculous.  However, one of the songs has been rattling around in my brain all week: Butterfaces.

In the scene featuring this parody of Garth’s legendary sing-along-song, Friends in Low Places, one of our characters is trying to come to grips with the fact that he has a crippling addiction to butterfaces.  After he knocks down a few brews, suddenly his senses dissipate and he’s on the prowl.

Is he the hunter?  Or is he being hunted?  Is he a but-his-face?  Is that even a thing for girls?

Just listen to the song.

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Barney Cotton is the head coach of the Nebraska Cornhusker football program.  Read that again.  I know, I know.  Not for long.  But, in the interim, he’s the man running the show for a program that made $30 million dollars last year.

So what does a guy with fleeting power, a ticking clock before he ends up coaching at a DII school somewhere, and a pile of people wondering what this team will look like when they meet up with USC in the Holiday Bowl do with all of that on his plate?  He stays organized.  He plans things out meticulously.

Utilizing a top-secret informant within the inner workings of the Cornhusker football team, we were able to obtain a screenshot of Barney Cotton’s laptop showing just how incredibly precise his planning is for the day ahead.  Take a look.

(*Author’s note: as usual, the formatting sucks. Click on the image and all shall be revealed.)

Capture

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Nebraska Athletic Director, Shawn Eichorst, has found the next head football coach at Nebraska.  After a fairly short length of time, Eichorst believes that the next man to usher in a new era with our beloved program is former Oregon State coach, Mike Riley.  The announcement caught many Husker fans off guard.  Seemingly from left field, Riley was coach many didn’t see coming.

But Eichorst has never been lacking in cofidence.  In fact, he’s positively brimming with it, as evidenced in this new rap track he released this morning to try to put Husker Nation at ease.  HOT FIRE ALERT!!!!!!

Yo, Perlman: Let’s kick it!
Eichorst,baby,
Eichorst, baby,
Eichorst, baby
Eichorst, baby. . .

All right stop, corroborate my mission
Eich is back with a brand new addition.
A coach, who grabs a hold of me tightly
Get him shining armor ‘cause he’s looking so knightly
Get us to the top? Yo, I think so.
One thing’s for sure: bye, Bo!
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Got me a coach who can win at Camp Randall.

Dance, to my Tunnel Walk groove
You can call me JB ‘cause I’m just so smoove
Deadly, when I’m on the coaching hunt
Smokin’ ADs like I’m Carl with a blunt
Love it or leave it, You know I’m in charge
If Riley is Homer, you can call me Marge
If there was a problem, I’ll e-mail ‘ya
Check your inbox so I can call you a failure

Eichorst Baby Just call me, Eichorst Baby Just call me
Eichorst Baby Just call me, Eichorst Baby Just call me

Now that the presser is jumping
With the champagne on ice and a staff that’s crunking
Quick to the point, and I’m on the attack
Looking so fresh I’m bringing pastie back
Running things, til we’re number one
I’m dictating things like I’m King Jong-Un
So tip on up your cup and let’s toast with a Solo
You’re only AD once, so I call it YOADO
Rolling in my GTO
Take down the top so my hair can flow
Rolling through your station like a red-haired train
Hair flopping in the breeze, it’s ginger mane
Pickd an interim coach who is fresh not rotten
The fabric of our lives: we call him Barney Cotton
We went flat bill, calling it New Era
Don’t’ like it? Suck my Wang like Vera.

(*Author’s note: then he pretty much just talks about a junk about how awesome he is.)

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Bo Pelini has had a pretty full couple of weeks.  What with somehow dropping the soap in the prison-shower-scene that is the College Football Playoff committee, trying to get the blood on his contract with the devil to dry in time for Ameer Abdullah to make a miraculous return to health, and attempting to win yet another huge road game, his schedule is packed.

So when Bo Pelini looks at us all and says he’s “taking it one day at a time” and he’s “focusing on the process” it seems like the Head Coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers is doing just that.  As usual, Bo’s got his day planned out down to the last minute, in the hours leading up to the biggest game of the month for a program with a hyperbole-laden pile of expectations teetering on the brink.

Utilizing a top-secret source working on the inside of One Memorial Stadium we were able to obtain a screenshot of what Bo’s schedule looks like for the Wisconsin game.  And, boy, does he seem busy.

(*Author’s note: as usual, the formatting sucks. Click on the image, and all will be revealed.)

Capture

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Bo Pelini is a football coach.  But, damn it!, he’s an American first.  And being an American on an election day means you need to get to the polls.

But, as a Nebraska football coach, Bo is still subject to some special treatment.  Ease of access to a polling place, early voting, or even a specially constructed, Bo-only ballot are all perks of the job.  Risking federal incarceration (Author’s note: and a chance to spend some quality time with Lawrence Phillips) we were able to obtain a sneak peak at Bo Pelini’s special, Nebraska ballot.  And boy, is it interesting.

image

And it seems that Bo, perhaps, became a little confused — and instantaneously overzealous — at the final question on the ballot.

image

 

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It’s another jam-packed week in the life of Husker football coach, Bo Pelini.  He’s got a program on the rise, a defense that’s finally wearing shirts that seem to be the right color, and a matchup against a team that somehow has weaseled their way into the Big Ten, strictly by being next door neighbors to a big city.  (*Author’s note: Rutgers is the equivalent of the 2.8-GPA-in-High-School kid who gets into a really prestigious school because their parents paid for a new building or two on campus.)

So what does a guy like Bo Pelini do to keep ahead of all the insanity that comes with running a major division one football program?  He focus on the details.  He schedules his time out meticulously.  In short: he keeps his nose grinding on “The Process.”

Utilizing a top-secret source working on the inside of One Memorial Stadium we were able to obtain a screenshot of what Bo’s schedule looks like for the Rutgers game.  And, boy, does he seem busy.

(*Author’s note: as usual, the formatting sucks. Click on the image, and all will be revealed.)

Calk

 

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(*Author’s note: Listen, what else are we supposed to do on a bye week?  Try to compose a rap song about DeMornay Pierson-El?  Oh, believe me: I’ve done that too.

Sung to the tune of Ride Wit Me, by Nelly:

If your thinking about puntin’, ‘cause it’s 4th and three,
You better look downfield and tell me who you see?
Oh, why would you punt his way? Hey!  Must be DeMornay!)

If it’s too far for you to go for three,
And you’re higher than Khalifa on four twenty:
Oh, why would you punt his way? Hey!  Must be DeMornay!)

But enough of that.  It’s getting close to Halloween.  That means that my obsession with horror movies and candy corn are going to ramp up to dangerous levels for the next few weeks as we prepare for one of my favorite times of year.  Since all I’ll be watching from now until October 31st is football and horror movies, I thought, why not combine my insane love of the two?  So, here are some Husker players and coaches who I have crappily crafted into some classic movie posters.


Froday the 13th, Part LXXX

Bell


Hocus BoCuss

BoCuss


Pierson El-Raiser

PIerson


The Becksorcist

Becksorcist


Randyman

Randyman

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