Posts Tagged ‘Mike Riley’

Are you one of those disenfranchised, embittered people who doesn’t get out to the polls when it’s time to perform your civic duty?  Are you the guy/girl who grumbles angrily about “all the crooks” that we have to deal with when casting a ballot for an elected office?  Cut it out.  You know why?  Because here‘s why:

Tim

Boom!

Yes, that’s Tim Miles in a G-Unit man-scarf with his head tilted to the side so you know he means business. Yesterday was election day in Lincoln, Nebraska, the home of the Nebraska Cornhuskers.  And Tim wanted you to know that it’s time to get off your obesity-epidemic-suffering-ass and go vote for city council, mayor, and last but certainly not least: airport authority.

And lest you think that Tim is going the civic-duty-route all by his lonesome, have a taste of this:

Mike

POW!  That’s Mike Riley.  He’s new to these parts but he still wants you to get your A out of your desk chair and go hang some chads.

I know.  I know.  I’m sure you’re thinking: “Hey, Chris, this is stupid.”  And “Hey, Chris, you are a terrible photoshopper.”  And you would be right on both counts.  But before you glass-house-living haters throw stones, here’s this little number for you to try on:

bank

That’s the last one.  I promise, I’m done.  But check out the necklace on Mark Banker (*Author’s note: Banksy? Still trying on crappy nicknames for him, at this point.) as he reminds us that Airport Authority isn’t going to elect itself.

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So, Coach Riley.  You’re looking for a wide receivers coach, huh?

Capture

You need someone to mold the minds, hearts, and hands of young men within Nebraska’s hallowed halls?  Boy, do I have the guy for you.

Teeth

image courtesy of: this-aint-george-forman.tumblr.com

BOOM!  That sound is the clinking, gold-teeth-jangling grin of your new coach as you announce him to the media.

Here are 8 reasons Mike Riley should hire former Oregon State Wide Receiver, Chad Ochocinco, as his new WR coach.

1.  We all wanted a splash hire?  How’s this for a splash!  Cannonballllll!

Capturetete
That’s the number of Twitter followers that Ochocinco has.  That’s roughly twice as many people as we have in our entire state.


2.  You need someone to recruit?  Chad once convinced 85 women to sell their souls to Vh-1 for the meager chance of reality TV show stardom and a shot to repeatedly make out with him while shout at a group of scantily clad ex and or current strippers at love.

Date


3.  He’ll work for cheap.  According to sources, Ocho is only making 70 grand Canadian.  Which is my math serves me right means: he’ll work for peanuts just to make sure that he’s no longer in Canada.

Graph


4.  His love of football is unmatched.  Kind of.  Or at least he likes the smell.  Which sounds creepy, but trust me it. . .isn’t?


5.  His ability to manage a diverse array of personalities in order to work towards a common goal.  I mean, he appeared to legitimately not hate Terrell Owens.  How many real life, actual human beings can say that on this planet?

Tocho


6.  His die-hard physical fitness routine would wear off on the team and they would quickly find themselves up doing push-ups at 5 AM with their coach.


7.  Ochocinco: Philanthropist.  The man gives back to his community.


8.  I don’t know, I mean, I guess he was pretty good at football for a while.Stats

In conclusion: just hire the man, already.  If you don’t think we should hire Chad Ochocinco?  Child please.

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Nebraska Athletic Director, Shawn Eichorst, has found the next head football coach at Nebraska.  After a fairly short length of time, Eichorst believes that the next man to usher in a new era with our beloved program is former Oregon State coach, Mike Riley.  The announcement caught many Husker fans off guard.  Seemingly from left field, Riley was coach many didn’t see coming.

But Eichorst has never been lacking in cofidence.  In fact, he’s positively brimming with it, as evidenced in this new rap track he released this morning to try to put Husker Nation at ease.  HOT FIRE ALERT!!!!!!

Yo, Perlman: Let’s kick it!
Eichorst,baby,
Eichorst, baby,
Eichorst, baby
Eichorst, baby. . .

All right stop, corroborate my mission
Eich is back with a brand new addition.
A coach, who grabs a hold of me tightly
Get him shining armor ‘cause he’s looking so knightly
Get us to the top? Yo, I think so.
One thing’s for sure: bye, Bo!
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Got me a coach who can win at Camp Randall.

Dance, to my Tunnel Walk groove
You can call me JB ‘cause I’m just so smoove
Deadly, when I’m on the coaching hunt
Smokin’ ADs like I’m Carl with a blunt
Love it or leave it, You know I’m in charge
If Riley is Homer, you can call me Marge
If there was a problem, I’ll e-mail ‘ya
Check your inbox so I can call you a failure

Eichorst Baby Just call me, Eichorst Baby Just call me
Eichorst Baby Just call me, Eichorst Baby Just call me

Now that the presser is jumping
With the champagne on ice and a staff that’s crunking
Quick to the point, and I’m on the attack
Looking so fresh I’m bringing pastie back
Running things, til we’re number one
I’m dictating things like I’m King Jong-Un
So tip on up your cup and let’s toast with a Solo
You’re only AD once, so I call it YOADO
Rolling in my GTO
Take down the top so my hair can flow
Rolling through your station like a red-haired train
Hair flopping in the breeze, it’s ginger mane
Pickd an interim coach who is fresh not rotten
The fabric of our lives: we call him Barney Cotton
We went flat bill, calling it New Era
Don’t’ like it? Suck my Wang like Vera.

(*Author’s note: then he pretty much just talks about a junk about how awesome he is.)

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