Posts Tagged ‘Dwight Howard’

I think that, societally, we can all agree with one another that we could use some more emojis in our day-to-day lives.  What are these intricate, decipherable little images, if not a chance for us to communicate with one another more effectively.  Right?  Right.

So, with that being said, and with all the excitement of the NBA Playoffs Eastern and Western conference finals engulfing the sports world, we thought it would be a good time to debut some NBA conference final emojis.  Here they are with a Rosetta Stone style explanation to help you out with their translation and day-to-day usage.  You’re welcome in advance.

Definition: The Cutest

What it is: A picture of Steph Curry’s adorable little daughter that he brought with him to the press conference after the Warriors’ Game 1 win in the Western Conference finals.

How to use it: If there’s something so cute that you really can’t describe it?  BOOM.  Emoji that piece.  Just make sure, whatever you do, that you don’t send it to Brian Windhorst.

Used in a tweenage text-sentence: 

Guy: “I totes LY babe.”
Girl: “Our love is like Cute

Definition: This was supposed to be easy, but I keep F-ing it up. HELP!!

What it is: An image of Houston Rockets center, Dwight Howard, after he continues to shoot 40% from the Free Throw line.

How to use it: ever have something that’s supposed to be, like, super-easy but for some reason you struggle with it?  Like remembering which direction is East when your inside your office building?  Or reading a non-digital clock?  Get your emoj on.

Used in a tweenage text-sentence:

Dude #1: “Come pick me up. I’m on the East side of the building.”
Dude #2: “Which side is the one on the East? I suck at directions.”
Dude #1: “The place where the Sun rises, idiot. THE EAST.”
Dude #2: “Brick


Definition: OMGOMGOMG: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What it is: An image of Kyle Korver running directly out of LeBron’s path with the stupefied look of pure terror that usually only accompanies someone getting stabbed from behind in a Friday the 13th movie while they’re in mid-coitus.  Korver, appearing for all the world like a man who knew his time had come, treated Bron-Bron like an Ebola patient having a coughing fit and cleared out of his vicinity with all the haste his legs would allow.

How to use it: Anytime you think that the S is about the hit the F.  The end of days is nigh and you need to get out.  Here’s the emoji to warn everyone in the most dire of circumstances.

Used in a text-sentence:

Guy: “Hey, baby. I managed to sneak in your window and I’m up in your bed. . .;)”
Girl: “You did?!? My Dad just pulled up in the driveway! Run!

Definition: I’m cooking us food.

What it is: James Harden’s celebratory cooking dance.

How to use it: Are you getting ready to make a delicious meal (*Author’s note: and then post the obligatory photo to your Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter feeds in an effort to show people that you are both handy in the kitchen and so above eating out.) and you want someone to know?  Harden will handle that.

Used in a text-sentence:

Girl: “Hey, girl. I’m hungry. You wanna come get some food?”
Girl #2: “Actually, why don’t you come over here and let’s Hungry?”

Girl #1: “As long as we can post it with my favorite IG filter. I like Valencia when I’m showing the food I’m eating.

Definition: You’re cursed, son!

What it is: The great voodoo shaman, Lil B, curser of NBA players and scorcher of the earth! Bow before his might and wrath!  (*Author’s note: Lil B was not consulted in the writing of this article and I would greatly appreciate it if he spared me from one of his legendary curses.)

How to use it: Are you worried that someone is stealing a patented dance move of yours to celebrate hitting a clutch three pointer in the NBA Playoffs?  Do you think that someone has disrespected you or has horrendously bad luck?  Then this is the emoji for you.

Used in a text-sentence:

Dude #1: “Man, so I just shattered that mirror I keep underneath my ladder when I walked underneath to open this mummy sarcophagus. My black cat won’t get out of the way either. lol.”

Dude #2: “Cursed

Dude#2 (again): “Cursed

Dude #2 (just to reiterate): “Cursed



When I think of Slim Thug, Man of Reason, I think of a logical, intelligent, coldly-rationalizing, analytic guy.  I also think he’s a dude that probably finished last place in every spelling bee he ever entered and once posed in a pinstripe suit while pointing a gun at anyone who was willing to shell out the 13.95 to buy his album at Safeway.

But what I’m really starting to notice about Slim Thug, Man of Reason, is that he’s into basketball.  And more particularly. . .he’s into free agency.  Specifically the athlete formerly known as Dwight Howard.  While the Los Angeles Lakers have thrown themselves at Dwight with all the aplomb of a slobberingly drunk sorority girl hearing “last call” at her social committee mixer, plastering their city with hash-tagged pleas to stay,  the Boss Hogg (*Author’s note: with two G’s, of course) has decided to go all Gangsta Mr. Spock on Dwight and use logic.

These are actual tweets from Slim Thug, Man of Reason AKA Boss Hogg AKA Sheffield Wednesday AKA Wait?  Sheffield Wednesday?  What the hell?!?!?

He's a Logical Hogg

That’s Slim Thug, Man of Reason, cutting right to the core of our basic human needs.  He knows, probably through an advanced understanding of human psychology coupled with a keen intellectual prowess, that the first thing people sit down and Google when they’re thinking of moving is “How much does a bottle of rose cost in a club in _______.”  He’s just taking the legwork out of it for Dwight.  A wise move since we know how much Dwight hates moving his feet.

But Slim Thug, Man of Reason wasn’t done just yet.  No.  He had a few more lead weights to toss on the scale in an effort to tip that bad boy towards Houston.

Outlawz Guide to Shopping Malls

They don’t have a state tax or commas in Houston.  That’s a good thing.  He did capitalize the “B” in “Bad bitches”, though, so that should probably convince Dwight that it’s the good kind of bad.  It’s a good thing there are Capital Bs in Houston, too, because Dwight’s coming from one of the ugliest cities in America, Los Angeles, and he’s probably looking for someplace that has a good shopping mall and pretty girls.

Slim Thug, Man of Reason, wasn’t about to stop there, though.  He still had a clip full of 140-character wisdom to point at us while wearing a pinstripe suit and shoot all over the internet.



Kaboom!  Slim Thug’s pulling out the big gunz (*Author’s note: at least I’m pretty sure that’s how he’d like me to spell it).  He even dropped in three question marks just to make sure Dwight knew that wasn’t a rhetorical question.  If there’s one thing we know about LA?  It’s that they probably have a pretty weak stripping game.  Also, I’m shocked that V-Live (*Author’s note: I really don’t want to know what the “V” stands for) doesn’t have its own Twitter account.  Step your social media game up, seedy strip club in Houston.

But the Boss Hogg isn’t done helping Dwight out yet.  Slim Thug, Man of Reason, wants Dwight to know that he’ll have all his bases covered if he comes to H-Town.


Dwight’s probably so excited to have someone willing to give him an assist after a season with Kobe that he was ready to sign the deal 20 seconds after reading this.  Also, I believe it was Confucius that said, “Make your next move your best move, G.” Wasn’t it?

But Slim Thug’s Twitter-pitch hadn’t finished just yet.  He was holding one final trump card that he digitally slapped on the table like it was the winning hand at the final table of the World Series of Poker and his opponent had just gone all in.


They should’ve gotten this made into a giant banner and hung it on the side of the Toyota Center with “#20%” written on it and a big picture of Howard’s baby mama.  He would’ve inked his name on the dotted line faster than Aaron Hernandez to a plea bargain.

He also made sure that Dwight knew this wasn’t a one-night Twitter-fling.  He was in it for the long haul.  Advice, hoes, baby mamas and text-driving.  Slim Thug, Man of Reason is here for you Dwight.  See?



Thankfully Bun B, Safety Advocate was here to make sure that Dwight when he was crossing a line.

In short: Adios, L.A. Dwight’s going to the promised land of Houston, thanks to the cold, hard, misspelled logic of one Slim Thug, Man of Reason.

(*Author’s note: special thanks to my friend, Grahm, for pointing out that this glorious interaction was happening on Twitter.)



The NBA season is fast approaching.  For my 11 loyal readers that means one thing: prepare to be swept away in a spam-tsunami of NBA-related posts, dumb jokes, and LeBron hating.  With the tipoff for the best sport in the world slated to happen on Halloween night, it’s high time we look at some of the fascinating storylines for this upcoming NBA season.  This post will probably be far, far too long anyway, so here we go. . .

Can the Heat Repeat?

The Heat seemed to figure it all out last year.  Dwyane Wade realized that he wasn’t the #1 gyu (*Author’s note: typo intentional) on the Heat, The Veboshiraptor battled through injuries down the stretch, everyone cussed out Mario Chalmers constantly, and Mike Miller inexplicably turned into a whiter, more trailer-trash-looking Reggie Miller in the NBA Finals.  And LeBron?  Well, he played power forward.  He played point guard.  He played center.  He damn near served the $17 dollar hot dogs in the Miami Heat concession stand.  And he was the best player at each spot.

I know the trendy pick is to always compare the latest, greatest, NBA superstar to the gold standard of such things, whose name doesn’t even need to be mentioned her for most of you to get it, but LeBron is really turning into a kind of brave new world of NBA superstar.  He looks like he should be in the starting lineup for the Monstars.  Make no mistake about it, though, I still hate him.  I’m in awe of LeBron like citizens in an oppressed country are in awe of their dictator.  I really don’t have a choice but to acknowledge who’s in charge of the league right now.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want some insurgents to come and overthrow the despotic James right off his throne.

A Facelift in L.A.?  No way. . .not in that town.

In a town where natural beauty, graceful aging, and inner beauty matter most, the Los Angeles Lakers have decided to get a little work done.  In a Bruce Jennerian facelift, the Lakers have made drastic overhauls to their team that should pay huge dividends.  They landed Dwight Howard, easily the biggest move of the offseason, with the intent to convince the superstar center to stick around for good.  They also got whiter, older, and more Canadian at the point guard position.  I know, I know.  That doesn’t usually engender a lot of confidence when you throw those three things together discussing basketball.  But, in this once case, it was a gigantic pickup for the team.  Steve Nash, 2-time MVP and a perennial guy-everyone-wants-to-play-with first teamer, has joined up with his one-time Western conference foes in the pursuit of a last run for an NBA title (*Author’s note: and to be closer to his kids during a potentially ugly divorce case.  Allegedly.)

Will Howard continue to whine, sob, and blunder his way through the league as he so often did last year?  Or will this change of scenery, and coaching staff, do him some good?  I’m not a huge Howard fan, but love the fact that he makes the Lakers tougher defensively around the rim, playing the role of a more athletic Andrew Bynum.  You have to assume that someone as gifted as Nash, someone with the ability to turn Marcin Gortat and a bunch of scrubs into a .500 ball club in the competitive Western conference, can find ways to keep Gasol, Howard, and most importantly Kobe Bryant happy.

Nash is old, though.  He’ll turn 39 during this season , which in basketball years is close to 102, but if the Lakers can get good minutes out of him each night they should be a force offensively.  If Howard can accept his role on the team and protect the hoop with all the ferocity that has earned him three Defensive Player of the Year awards, they should be much improved defensively.  Now, if only Pau would just get a haircut.

(*Author’s note: potential nicknames for Dwight Howard tangent in 3…2…1…

–  Sweet Dream, or a beautiful Dwightmare
–  Dwihard With a Vengeance
–  Howard the Dunk (instead of Howard the Duck)
–  Reign Wilson (The guy who plays Dwight Schrute on The Office is named Rainn Wilson)
–  Dwilight: Breaking Dawn

The Lakers’ starting lineup will have 33 combined All-Star appearances.  And they might not be the favorites in the West.  (*Author’s note: I’ll touch on the other teams out in that division a little later)

Who Will Rise to Twitter Dominance?

Will it Be Swaggy P (AKA Nick Young) or will Boogie Cousins (AKA Demarcus Cousins) continue to hold down the #1 spot?  Will some newer, dumber, player step up to fill the void?  We need more Twitter handles, NBA players.  Step your game up.

Celtics Keep a Private Jet

RIP “Boston 3-Party.”  Your awesome nickname will be missed.  After losing Ray Allen, the Celts have managed to keep their mercurial superstar Rajon Rondo and added Jason “The Jet” Terry to their lineup.  Terry was an integral part in the Dallas Maverick’s NBA title two years ago and can be an excellent scorer and 3-point shooter when he’s hot.  He’ll mix well with the veteran lineup and should bring some energy to the team that’s fiery but in control.  The Celts didn’t get any younger with this move, however, and are watching their title door slowly close.  With their talent level and veteran experience, however, if these guys stay healthy (*Author’s note: a big “if” in an 82-game season) that door could slow down to Indiana Jones boobie-trap-sprung-by-accident-in-a-dark-cave speeds.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shark-Jumping Stunt Specialist

If you love the NBA, you love Charles Barkley, Kenny “the Jet” Smith, and Ernie Johnson.  Their playful interactions, insightful analysis, and fearlessness in critiquing current players when it’s needed are all integral parts of what make their broadcasts so much fun.  The contrived, forced enjoyment of NFL pregame and postgame shows is something I completely loathe.  For most NFL pre/post game shows they toss 11 guys behind a desk, giggling like they’re tweenage girls who’ve been huffing Nitrous Oxide, each trying to out-celebrity the other analysts and they take something away from the game.

Shaquille O’Neal’s all 11 of those guys rolled into one.  His presence, and moderator Ernie Johnson’s forced attempts to include him in the breakdown of games, hangs around the show’s neck like a 7’0”, 350 lb. weight.  He’s as articulate as Tarzan and generally mumbles his way through broadcasts like a strange combination of Barry White and Shy Ronnie from Saturday Night Live’s digital shorts.  I still love Inside the NBA.  But Shaq definitely jumped the shark the moment he sat his diesel-sized ass down on the set.

What Other Dumb Stuff Can JaVale McGee do?

I feel like this could be a gameshow.  Every time JaVale suits up and steps onto the court for the Denver Nuggets this year, contestants would chips to place on various Bingo-styled spaces labeled with predictions like: “Will refer to himself in the 3rd person” and “will tweet a pre-game picture of himself shirtless” and “will try to dunk from the three-point line during a fastbreak” and whomever ended up with the most amount of correct predictions would win.  Sure it’s basically harder to accurately predict than a Russian Roulette game in a Taiwanese opium den, but let’s be honest: if you’re not tuning in to watch JaVale McGee every night you’re missing out.  He’s completely and thoroughly watchable in exactly the same way as Flavor of Love was watchable in the mid-2000s.

To Be Continued. . .

Right now, two things are taking over my television set: NBA free agency and ads for the remake of the classically ridiculous Total Recall.  Believe it or not, I’m not actually here to make fun of the new Total Recall.  It looks like it could be the kind of gritty, Bladerunner-esque future that I love to see in Sci-Fi movies.  I like Colin Farrell and think that he’ll do an above average job as the 2012 version of The Governator. 

What I do like to make fun of, however, is Arnold Schwarzenegger movies featuring a scantily clad Sharon Stone and a ridiculous host of costumes that look like they were stolen off of George Lucas’ alien mulch pile and slapped onto the bigscreen.  While the remake doesn’t come out until August, the PR machine is in full effect, especially on ESPN and other channels frequented by “dudes.”  (*Author’s note: because clearly “dudes” are the key demographic for Sci-Fi movies.  Just ask the 4 trillion Prometheus ads that either feature beer or ESPN blowhard Stephen A. Smith’s broke ass.)

How does this tie into the NBA, you might be asking?  Everything ties into the NBA.  At least in my own, warped, mind.  Especially when the National Basketball Association has had another fascinating offseason.  I’ll be tying this whole loosely formulated idea together by utilizing the many faces of one of the best actors of his or any generation: Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger.

While I was watching the original Total Recall, I was playing a game I like to call “Pause-face.”  If you couldn’t guess by its name, the object of the game is to pause the TV while the person that’s on it is pulling the most ridiculous face.  You can frame-by-frame it, try to go for a straight pause, or even try the jump-back pause if you’re up for a challenge.  The Governator is the Edwin Moses of Pause-facing.  If you made a Mount Rushmore of the sport, he’d have all four faces.  And they’d all be sublimely ridiculous.

This most recent game of Pause-face gave me an idea: why not set up a ranking system for the NBA’s most fascinating offseason moves, by looking for a few of the internet’s best Schwarzenegger pause-faces.

Ray Allen to the Miami Heat

(*Author’s note: I’m I the only one left that still calls Ray, “Jesus Shuttlesworth”?  All hail, He Got Game!)

Allen, he with the most 3 pointers made in NBA history, found himself in a strange position this offseason.  He had gone to Boston, a big piece of the original “Big 3”, — a group people seemed to hate far less than the current rendition that’s standing atop the league at the current moment — won a title and was highly successful in the shamrock green and whites.

But, he’s old.

At 36, he’s roughly 65 in basketball years and his age/nagging injuries seemed to catch up with him towards the end of the Celtics’ playoff run.  So how did the Miami Heat lure Jesus Shuttlesworth away? 

I’m guessing that they got his Denzel Washington looking father out of the state penitentiary — by way of a corruptible warden that is a die-hard Heat fan — and tried to convince him to play his wayward-father-still-bearing-influence-on-his-emotionally-damaged-child card.  And there’s probably a gratuitous 3-way mixed in there as well. 

All He Got Game references aside, a saavy veteran like Allen taking less money to head to a team where wide open 3 point looks abound?  Not that shocking.  The fact that he went from Celtics to Heat, thereby baiting the over-the-top hatred and scorn of the borderline psychotic Boston fanbase?  A little shocking.

Pause-face level of excitement/shock:

Jeremy Lin to the Houston Rockets

Linsanity exploded onto New York this year.  Coming from nowhere, or as nowhere as an Ivy League college can ever be, Jeremy Lin got up from crashing on his brother’s couch and crashed the National Basketball Association’s party.  The ensuing aftershocks, replete with terrible puns, racist Asian jokes, and heaping, steaming piles of cash, were enough to propel Lin to a position of power in the free agent market.

Then James Dolan happened.

Yes, the guy who let Isaiah Thomas carbomb the entire franchise.  Yes, the same guy who just went out and got a 39-year-old Jason Kidd (*Author’s note: who celebrated his highway robbery by getting loaded and crashing into a lightpole) and Raymond “I’ll Have the Quarter Pounder Meal, Large Sized” Felton.

After telling Jeremy Lin that he should feel free to shop his talents around, and implying that they would match any offer Lin could get to retain his services, the Knicks became suddenly defensive when Lin did just that.  The Rockets, still counting their piles of money from their last Asian market crossover star, promptly offered him a massive deal and when it was suddenly Dolan’s turn to keep his word, he balked.

Can Lin continue his meteoric rise to the heights of the NBA?  Or will the ever-present turnover issues de-rail him?  I’d guess somewhere in between.  Do I believe that the Knicks, who reports have estimated have already lost somewhere in the $50 million dollar range on their value since losing Lin, should have kept this young, talented PG?  Definitely. 

Dolan is the guy that tells his girlfriend, “I think we should see other people.”  And then when he sees his girlfriend out at a candlelit dinner with a Jockey underwear model, he loses his shit and sends her a bunch of angry, emoticon-filled text messages.

Pause-face level of excitement/shock: 

Steve Nash to the Los Angeles Lakers

There’s, legitimately only 1 guy in the league that will make your fan base happy that you just went out and spent assets to get older, whiter, and more unintimidating.  That’s Nash.  He’s a 2-time MVP, even if his back to back wins for the award seem a little flawed, and one of the best passers the league has ever seen.  He should hopefully rejuvenate the bearded corpse that was Pau Gasol, take a little of the pressure off of Kobe, and bring some fluidity to an offense that had all the flow of Jiff Extra Chunky during Mike Brown’s first season at the helm.

Will his body hold out?  He’ll turn 39 next year and his back will be celebrating it’s 123rd birthday on opening day of the season.  Nash is notoriously good about taking care of his body, though, and played exceedingly well last season considering his second best player was Marcin Gortat.

Pause-face level of excitement/shock: 

(*Author’s Note: Yes, that’s Schwarzenegger.  He decides to sneak onto Mars disguised in a fat, terribly constructed woman suit that promptly malfunctions.  Turns out the Governator sucks at being the Undercovernator.)

Dwight Howard to. . .Wait, You Mean He’s Still on the Orlando Magic?!?!  What the hell!?!?

Yes.  Dwight Howard is still with the Magic.  No, I don’t think anyone has the slightest F-ing clue if he’ll ever get traded.  Every morning ESPN trots out a bevy of whack jobs (captained by the notorious and aforementioned Stephen A. Smith) who all claim there’s been movement on some kind of deal sending Howard somewhere.

I’m not sure what Dwight envisioned for himself, but I’m guessing this wasn’t it.  He’s quickly become the most reviled player in the league, even though some of us still hold a special, contemptible place in our cynical hearts for LeBron, and he has made blunder after blunder after bungle.

Will Dwight end up in Houston?  Will he end up somehow getting shipped to the Los Angeles Lakers?  (*Author’s note: Damn, I hope so)  Did he hire the same PR firm that masterminded “The Decision” and the “Mission Accomplished” banner from the early 2000’s that haunts Americans to this day?

The fact that he’s still in Orlando, untraded, despised, and that Brooklyn decided to massively overpay a dude named Brook instead of continuing to try to make moves to acquire him leads me to this. . .

Pause-face level of excitement/shock: