Posts Tagged ‘Philadelphia Eagles’

Chip Kelly has been making waves this NFL offseason.  The Eagles have pretty much established at this point that they’re going to do whatever the F- they want.  And, in this case, it appears highly likely that Chip Kelly wants Tim Tebow on his roster.  Nope.  You’re not high.  Or, actually, you might be.  But that’s still a report that’s been circulating.

We live in a digital age and No Coast Bias has some of the finest hackers this side of Edward Snowden.  We’ve used those hackers to snatch up some of the text messages Eagles Coach Chip Kelly received last night once news of the impending Tebow to the Eagles signing broke.  Here they are for your enjoyment.


Even some NFL Draft Prospects Wanted to Capitalize on the Tebow Name for their Own Personal Gain

Winston


Upon Hearing that Chip was Handing Out Second Chances, Even Convicts Got in on the Action

It seems like everyone was reaching out to Kelly for 2nd chances

Hernandez


The Man Who Most Experts Predict Will Be Philly’s Week-One Starter Wanted to Check in with His Head Coach

The current most-likely starter weighed in with his thoughts on the signing

Bradford


Even the Man of the Hour (long Sportscenter special that will inevitably air this morning) Wanted to Thank Chip Personally

The man himself contacted Chip to discuss their future.

Tebow


One of Chip’s Two USC QB’s shot off a quick message to the coach.

Some of Chip's backups were a little worried about Tebow's acquisition.

Barkley


Everyone’s Favorite Accidental Racist Accidentally Text His Coach During the Melee

Riley Cooper checked in with his coach.

Riley Cooper checked in with his coach.


And Even Chip’s Personal Friend Dave Chappelle Took Time out from Pre-Gaming for 4/20 to Fire Off a Cautionary Message

Even famed comedian, Dave Chappelle, wanted to weigh in on the Tebow pick-up.

Chappelle

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Much has been made about Chip Kelly taking over as the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.  Known for his rapid-fire, no-huddle offense at Oregon, Kelly’s teams often times were moving so fast that they would use over-sized signs to signal in the next play call from the sidelines.  While they look like a really terrible visual aide for a class project in a Comm. 111 class, these signs played a pivotal role in communications between the coaching staff and their players.

For example, here’s one below from his time as head coach at the University of Oregon.

Exactly how much the Eagles’ offense will resemble that of the Ducks is truly anyone’s guess this year, but we know that Kelly is looking to bring pieces, if not the whole system, over from college where it was historically good.  The implementation of Kelly’s unique offense begs the question: How will the Eagles send in signals from the sidelines?  Will they leave behind the signs that garnered so much interest in sports-nerd circles?  Or will they continue to use one of Kelly’s trademark signs of the no-huddle revolution?

We here at Burnpoetry were able to obtain and exclusive, highly-secretive look at the kind of new signs they will be utilizing on the sidelines in Philadelphia.  I will attempt briefly to decipher what these signs could mean, but only Kelly, his staff and his team truly understand the complex cipher.

#1.

Slide1

It seems as if this poster-play call is really just for whenever Matt Barkley’s in the game.

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be tough-love, a be-postered 30 For 30 of crashed-and-burned USC quarterbacks (*Author’s note: where Barkley fits on this list is yet to be seen), or if this is Kelly trying to lull the opposition to sleep with images of some of Barkley’s highly touted, hard-luck predecessors in the league.  Even though Chip Kelly desperately wants to forget where he came from, (*Author’s note: a school that he bailed on after finding out they were going to get NCAA sanctions, which turned out to be absurdly lax) he wants Barkley to never forget.

And speaking of non-Michael Vickian quarterbacks. . .

#2.

Slide3

On this poster, clearly designed for when QB Nick Foles is taking snaps for the Eagles,  I think the message on this one is pretty clear.  Foles needs to run a white 38 triple clipper reverse fade right into a barbershop as soon as possible.  I know they say you’re not supposed to run with scissors, but I think that it’s clear that Chip Kelly wants him to read-option his way straight into a Boosie fade ASAP.

#3.

Bully for you, KC.

Nothing like ribbing your predecessor for looking like the 26th president of the United States, right?  What play is this supposed to be calling for?  I’m not entirely sure, but maybe it’s Chip’s way of demanding that his team immediately squander a timeout that will later come back to haunt them?  Bully for you, Chip.  Bully for you.

#4.

Pain and Gain

This sign is actually aimed more towards league officials than his own team.  There have long been rumblings that Ed Hochuli is on more illicit chemicals than Snoop Dogg’s backstage posse and this could be Kelly’s attempt to blow the whole thing wide open.  Do the refs get tested for HGH?  With Kelly’s 3rd string QB holding up this sign in 2013, they just might.

#5.

Slide2

This poster pretty much explains itself.

FIN