Archive for the ‘Fake Headlines’ Category

Chip Kelly has been making waves this NFL offseason.  The Eagles have pretty much established at this point that they’re going to do whatever the F- they want.  And, in this case, it appears highly likely that Chip Kelly wants Tim Tebow on his roster.  Nope.  You’re not high.  Or, actually, you might be.  But that’s still a report that’s been circulating.

We live in a digital age and No Coast Bias has some of the finest hackers this side of Edward Snowden.  We’ve used those hackers to snatch up some of the text messages Eagles Coach Chip Kelly received last night once news of the impending Tebow to the Eagles signing broke.  Here they are for your enjoyment.


Even some NFL Draft Prospects Wanted to Capitalize on the Tebow Name for their Own Personal Gain

Winston


Upon Hearing that Chip was Handing Out Second Chances, Even Convicts Got in on the Action

It seems like everyone was reaching out to Kelly for 2nd chances

Hernandez


The Man Who Most Experts Predict Will Be Philly’s Week-One Starter Wanted to Check in with His Head Coach

The current most-likely starter weighed in with his thoughts on the signing

Bradford


Even the Man of the Hour (long Sportscenter special that will inevitably air this morning) Wanted to Thank Chip Personally

The man himself contacted Chip to discuss their future.

Tebow


One of Chip’s Two USC QB’s shot off a quick message to the coach.

Some of Chip's backups were a little worried about Tebow's acquisition.

Barkley


Everyone’s Favorite Accidental Racist Accidentally Text His Coach During the Melee

Riley Cooper checked in with his coach.

Riley Cooper checked in with his coach.


And Even Chip’s Personal Friend Dave Chappelle Took Time out from Pre-Gaming for 4/20 to Fire Off a Cautionary Message

Even famed comedian, Dave Chappelle, wanted to weigh in on the Tebow pick-up.

Chappelle

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Shawn Eichorst had a pretty eventful 2014.  The Nebraska Athletic Director fired and hired, got paid an F-load of money, took some shots in the local media, and even got called the C-Word by a former employee.  Ultimately, it was a pretty wild year.  So what does a guy like Eichorst do to make sure that 2015 is an even better year?  He buttons down his button-up, loosens up his press-releasing fingers, and cranks out a list of New Year’s Resolutions.

Once again utilizing our top secret informants that are hidden deep inside the athletic department (*Author’s note: suck on that, Jay Glazer!) we were able to obtain a copy of Shawn Eichorst’s New Year’s Resolutions.Eich

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NFL Referee Ed Hochuli came out in opposition of potential NFL HGH testing in an interview Thursday afternoon.

“Hell no, we don’t need to test for HGH.  That’s just. . .that’s just stupid.  If someone wants to be totally ripped, completely cock-diesel jacked out there, shouldn’t that be their business?  The last thing I need – we need, rather – is some suit trying to tell us what to do in the weight room.”

At this point he switched his voice to a nasal, stereotypically nerdy voice.

“’Oh, you’re too stroooong.  You might kick sand in my face or take my lunch mo—‘. . .wait you mean testing the players?  Ohhhh. . .right.  The players!”

Hochuli nervously giggled.  He ripped off a few more bicep curls with his portable free weights.

“So do you know if they’re going to test everyone?  They’re testing everyone?!?  Or just the players?  I’m, um, I’m asking for a friend of mine.  I mean, I know a guy that knows a guy, kind of a thing and, um, he might want to know about the testing poilcy.  That’s not going to be everyone that’s tested, though right?”

When pressed further on his personal beliefs on the matter, Hochuli continued.

“Well listen, I’m not necessarily opposed to testing the players, per se.  But I think that opens a dangerous door.  You know, it’s kind of a slippery slope.  Like, let’s say you start testing the players for HGH.  Who do you start testing next?  The coaches?  The referees?  I mean, where does it end.  Pretty soon you’re trying to test the guy selling Bud Light in the stands and you’re going Gestapo on everybody.  Just be careful what you wish for.  Because, believe you me, there are some really stunningly well-muscled guys that are connected in this league, some real GQ type dudes that you might lose based on that testing.”

When asked if Hochuli was referring to anyone in particular he merely shook his head and smiled knowingly.

“No.  You know.  Not really anyone in particular.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with my, um, anti-aging specialist and a sleeveless shirt retailer I have to get to.”

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The NCAA Reached out again on Wednesday morning, soliciting the help of the general public in putting together an NCAA Violations case against Johnny Manziel.

“What we really need now,” NCAA President Mark Emmert said in a statement he issued at a press conference on Wednesday morning,  “is for any women that may have had contact with Johnny Manziel, in an autograph-seeking capacity, to step forward and help us with our investigation.”

He continued.  “We know that Mr. Manziel was relatively popular with the female crowd and we need evidence that he signed, uhm, certain body parts in exchange for cash value.  So what we require is for a few good citizens, or actually as many as possible — yeah a lot would be really, really helpful — to provide us with that evidence.  I want, errr, we want cleavage pics, sext messages, and as many actual witness chest– ummm. . .testimonies as we can get.”

At this point Mr. Emmert paused to dab some Richard Nixon-esque sweat from off his brow.

“Whew,” he commented as he dabbed at the moisture.  “Is anyone else hot in here?”

Brow cleansed, he proceeded.

“We need to see a preponderance of evidence that Mr. Manziel was indeed signing illicit parts of the female body and we need to see it with our own eyes.  In a semi-darkened room.  With a single, honey-scented candle lit.  And D’Angelo playing softly in the background.  All of this is strictly in the name of building a better case.  There is no stone we will leave unturned, no Secret from Victoria’s we won’t investigate.  The only, I repeat only, reason we are willing to force ourselves to stare at the chests of college co-ed after college co-ed from around the nation is that we believe in a strict code of amateurism.  I will personally be conducting the witness interviews, along with a team of professional cameramen from the staff of Girls Gone Wild, to oversee that this is done strictly by the book.”

At this point Mr. Emmert leaned over and pulled out a large stack of NCAA sanction Mardi Gras beads and held them aloft.

Emmert=pervert

“Any participant willing to help us in this investigation in the aforementioned manner will not only get to sleep soundly knowing that they’ve played a vital role in carrying our justice for the most pristine and holy of all collegiate institutions, but they will also get these commemorative beads and my personal phone number, address, and Snapchat username, should they come across any further. . .ummm. . .evidence.”

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Early Friday morning a team spokesperson for the Chicago Bears confirmed reports that starting quarterback Jay Cutler suffered a severe right eyebrow sprain after glowering at an unnamed offensive lineman during a mid-week practice.

A lineman, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, witnessed the gruesome injury.

“Oh, yeah.  I saw the whole thing,” the player said.  “After Julius (Peppers) came around on the end and blew up the play, I mean he would’ve crushed Jay if that’d been a live-game scenario, Jay tossed off his helmet and fired into one of those deep, deep scowls.  We call it the Medusa face.  ‘Cause if you look too long you might get turned into a free agent.”

After Cutler’s helmet hit the ground the stare-down didn’t stop there.  Rapidly moving from Blue-Steel-Pouty Face to full on Walter-White-Grimace (*Author’s note: demonstrated below by Burnpoetry’s Cutlermetricians).

Cutlermetrics

Cutler’s face thunderstormed towards pure rage, but before he could get there, his teammates confirmed that they heard a popping noise.  Cutler collapsed onto the turf.  The Bears’ training staff rushed to his aide, putting his face into a medically-induced unibrow.

Cutler is scheduled to meet with Dr. James Andrews’ far, far less successful brother, Dr. Steve Andrews for further evaluation this weekend.

Medical experts believe that Cutler will be able to play again in fairly short order but will likely be getting daily injections of more botox than the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

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The University of South Carolina and their star defensive end, Jadeveon Clowney, have come out with a strong denial of any wrongdoing on the part of their All-Everything player, amidst recent allegations that Clowney was improperly contacted by rapper-turned-agent Jay-Z.

“I’ve got that Emmert control on the sanctions patrol, and folks who wanna make sure my eligibility close.  ESPN Critics that say that I’m about illegal hits, I’m a defensive lineman, man you think I give two shits?  Got beef with NCAA regulations, I’m about to go pro.  They don’t like my swag, I don’t give a shit, so!  I’ll be first overall, unless you guys blow this for me son.  I got 99 problems but impermisssable benefits ain’t one.”  Said Clowney through a statement issued by a university representative earlier this week.

South Carolina

To further make it clear that he hadn’t been spending an undue amount of time with Jay-Z, Clowney had this to say.

“The year’s 2013 and my nerves are raw, in front of my eyes I see Johnny Football.  I got two choices, ya’ll, pull out to the sidelines or bounce on the double hit through a hospital door.  Now I ain’t passed English 102, but I know a lil stuff, enough that Emmert and his boys won’t treat me rough.”

We’ll see how smart he is when the investigators come.  For now he’s got 99 problems, but impermissable benefits ain’t one.

We here at Burnpoetry were able to obtain the exclusive first draft of the above-picture pseudo-press release.  Below is a copy of it.  It appears to be straight from the desk of the Old Ball Coach himself, Steve Spurrier and you can see that much of the original content was edited out when it was re-written and sent to the general public.

wpid-2013-07-26-15.30.37.jpg

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On July 20th, 2013 University of Florida linebacker Will Morrison was arrested for barking at a police dog in the back of a cruiser.  While this story has gone viral on the internet and hit the 24-hour radio talk show circuit with all the coverage of an NCAA title, the police dog, Bear, has remained silent.

Is this because he’s got something to hide?  Is he currently holed up with a PR team and a crisis management team?  Or is it because if he does he’ll end up getting zapped by a black box that’s firmly affixed to his throat?  I was determined to find out.

What was the real story of what happened that fateful night?  In a 2-creature encounter, we’ve only really gotten half the story.

Fortunately Bear was willing to break his silence and sit, stay, and roll over with us for a brief interview.

Burnpoetry:  Thanks for sitting down to talk with me, Bear.  I know this probably isn’t easy for you.

Bear: Bark.  Barkbarkbarkbarkbark.  Bark-bark-bark-bark.

Burnpoetry: I see.  Well I appreciate it.  So tell me, in your own words, what happened that night in Gainesville?

Bear: Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark bark bark.  Bark.  Bark.  Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark.  Woof.  Woof.

Burnpoetry:  Some understandable emotions, Bear.  Truly.  Is there anything that you’d like to say to Antonio tonight?  Anything you feel he should know?

Bear:  Bark?  Barkbarkbark?  Barkbarkbarkbarkbark?  Bark.

Burnpoetry:  Well said, Bear.  Thoughtful.  Concise; hard-hitting.  Thank you for sitting with us.  You no longer need to “stay.”  Good luck in the future.

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