Well, college basketball fans, the season is nearly over. After brackets busting, perfection stumbling, and a hell of a lot of promotional tie-ins and corporate sponsorships: it all comes down to one final game.  The Wisconsin Badgers and the Duke Blue Devils face off tonight in a game for all the spherically-melted glass balls used popularly in the early 1900’s.  Or as kids today call them: trash that might make me slip on my way to my iPhone charging station.

So, since it’s Monday and we have another soul-crushing work week facing us and the unsavory prospect of a very non-madness-like April looming there’s really only one thing to do this evening: drink.  And since you’re going to be tossing back a few brews or daintily sipping on a Chianti after sniffing the cork, why not do it while enjoying the official 2015 NCAA Championship Drinking Game?!?!


Take One Drink:

  • Anytime a girl from Barbados stands in front of an American Flag and sings about how cool America is.

(*Author’s note: Rihanna’s American Oxygen, which might be the most redundant, repetitive song I’ve ever seen/heard/been forcefed by a major network.  There are 260 words in the entire song.  26% of them are either “America/American”, “Breath/Breathe” or “Oxygen”.  TWENTY SIX PER-F-ING-CENT.  

I think you have to actually try hard to be that redundant. The only part of the song that she doesn’t repeat is one line where she changes the gender from a girl to a boy and swaps “on the other side of the ocean” to “Tryna get the wheels in motion”.  That’s it.  Since I’m starting to repeat myself now, I’ll stop.  Holy hell, though, who did Rihanna have help her write this song? Jimmy Two Times from Goodfellas?)

  • Anytime they show us a panoramic view of Indianapolis from on high
  • Anytime you find yourself wanting to touch the glorious mini-fros being sported by half of Duke’s roster
  • ***Remember MEEEEEEEE for Centuriiiiiieeeeees! HIGHLIGHT PACKAGE ALERT!***
    https://youtu.be/sCbS-TLEoRA?t=11s
  • The refs call a bogus touch foul that grinds the game down to a brutal, debilitating halt.
  • Justise Winslow scores a basket and you realize that his name sounds like the title of a graphic novel about a crime-fighting skateboarder with a magical iPhone 7 that enables him to see into the future and solve crimes before they happen.
  • Any time people you’re watching with complain about their bracket like it caused the Ebola epidemic.
  • Any Time someone you’re watching with talks about their bracket like it was the sole reason the Ebola outbreak appears to be in decline

Take Two Drinks:

  • ANDREW HARRISON COMMENTS SPARKING A FAUX RACIAL DEBATE OR SOCIAL COMMENTARY ALERT***
  • If CBS hits Coach K with a closeup and his pinched face appears ready to collapse in on itself like a dying star about to turn into a black hole.
  • ***ANDREW LUCK IN THE STANDS ALERT***
  • When they show Frank Kaminsky getting a player of the year award but all you can think of is THIS:

  • When CBS inevitably puts Coach K’s statistics alongside Bo Ryan’s.
  • OH, NO: THEY’VE FOUND CHRISTIAN LAETTNER IN THE STANDS AND ARE NOW GOING TO SHOW HIM EVERY TIME JHALIL OKAFOR SCORES A POINT ALERT***
  • When The refs inexplicably botch a call and Bo Ryan looks angrier than if he had just heard The Whos fire up their band of Flu Floopers, Tar Tinkers, Who Hoovers, Gar Ginkers, Trum Tupers, Slu Slumkers, Blum Bloopers, Who Wompers, Zu Zitter Carzay, Who Carnio Flunx on Christmas Morning.
  • When “In the Annapolis” is muttered by the flummoxed and geographically challenged Chuck Barkley in an ad that is somehow still kind of funny.

Take Three Drinks:

  • When Justise Winslow scores a basket and you realize that his name sounds like the title of a graphic novel about a crime-fighting skateboarder with a magical iPhone 7 that enables him to see into the future and solve crimes before they happen.
  • If one of the teams inbounds the ball, you take a drink, pop into the kitchen to refill your plate with some chips and dip, check Twitter, have an in-depth discussion about the renewal of the Patriot Act and the social ramifications that come from a comedy show bringing more attention to this than the standard network news shows and THEN the shot clock sounds.  (*Author’s note: yes, I’m saying they need to reduce the shot clock in college.  A lot.)
  • Frank Kaminsky makes a play that a dude named “Frank Kaminsky” shouldn’t make.
  • Frank Kaminsky makes a play that a dude who looks like Frank Kaminsky shouldn’t make.
  • Anytime you hear the word “stenographer”
    **BONUS DRINK: IF ANYONE MENTIONS THIS SKIT FROM CHAPPELLE’S SHOW**

  • Jhalil Okafor palms the ball and it appears he may have the reincarnated hands of Andre the Giant.
  • ***OH, NO: THEY’VE FOUND AARON RODGERS IN THE STANDS AND ARE NOW GOING TO SHOW HIM EVERY TIME SAM DEKKER HITS A THREE ALERT!***
  • Anytime they show a player’s Mom and she looks ready to nervous-puke.  And then they show her again.  And again.  And again. And again. . .

 

CHUG IT. . .CHUG IT. . .

  • If the game becomes so overwhelming to you that you need to slowly, softly, collapse onto the floor.

Coach K Collapses

  • Coach K’s 1,000th Career Victory is mentioned.
  • Anytime CBS hits Bo Ryan with a close-up and you realize that, in spite of being a 4-time Big 10 Coach of the Year and posting a .765 win percentage, Bo Ryan is still less famous than his Twin brother: The Grinch.

  • The announcers describe Sam Dekker using any of the invariably cliché sportscaster terms for “White Dude”
    (*Author’s note: “he’s a gamer!” and/or “Scrappy” )
  • If Wisconsin wins and this happens:

FIN

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