The NBA is hosting a fashion show this Friday for the NBA All-Star game.  The event, which will later air on TNT prior to Saturday’s night All-Star festivities, will feature real NBA players doing the modeling as well as commentary from some of TNT’s on-air personalities.  Which.  Is.  Hilarious.  The Twitterability of this event should land it in the pantheon of goodbad ideas and will undoubtedly make fashion experts out of all the schlubby bloggers who sit behind their keyboard without ever having worn a single man-scarf or fedora and who still think that hooded sweatshirts are cool (*Author’s note: see: me.)

So I figured, why wait.  Let’s try to see what we might be able to expect on Saturday when the general public is treated to NBA players strutting their fashion stuff on a runway.  Here are just a few ideas on what we may see.

Model: Tyson Chandler

Designer: Spud Webb’s Tailor

Sporting the latest look from Spud Webb’s tailor, Tyson Chandler shows us exactly what happens when a Schmedium suit lands itself on an XXL frame.  Chandler shows that it’s not the cut of the suit, but whether or not that suit would work if you had to ford the river on the Oregon Trail and still wanted to look sleek and sexy.  Is he running to Noah’s Arc with two animals under each arm, trying to avoid the world-ending flood?  Or did he borrow this suit from fellow NBA great Mugsy Bogues’ closet?  Either way, you can be sure of 1 thing: he looks dang good.


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Model: Chris Andersen

Designer: Ted Nugent

Showing off the latest in camouflage chic, Chris Andersen shows off that not only is he “the birdman” but he’s also probably leaving the arena and going pheasant hunting immediately.  When you watch this paragon of cool walking thee runway, we know just what you’re saying to yourself: Wait, where did he go?  Oh, there he is.  Damn, that’s fashionable.  And, boy, would you be right.

Model: LeBron James

Designer: Whoever came up with the wallpaper at your parents’ house

LeBron James has a net worth somewhere in excess of 450 billion, trillion, bajillion dollars.  So what does a guy who has a bigger checking account than God do when he’s in the mood to try something new?  Probably borrow some designs from my parents’ bathroom wallpaper guy, give them to whomever designs the Olympic Ice Dancing team’s uniforms and then demand they make it “More red.  Like, blood from The Shining red.”  Is he paying a moving homage to the clothing in Memoirs of a Geisha or is he just trying to make you feel nostalgic for your Grandma’s closet?  We may never know.

Model: Russell Westbrook

Designer: King Arthur’s Personal Armorer

Russ Westbrook is one of the NBA’s most dynamic young talents.  The only thing Middle Aged about him is this period piece he’s rocking that is a nod to his favorite off-court pastime: renaissance fairs.  Is Westbrook expecting someone to challenge him to a duel?  Is that why he looks like he’s about to saddle a white steed, grab a lance, and charge into a blistering jousting battle?  And for all you ladies wondering what’s underneath?  We can only assume: chain mail!  Also, does he have his family crest in that murse?  It’s too small for a broadsword.  Prithee, sir Westbrook.  What hast thou in yonder man-purse?


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Model: Paul George

Designer: A Country Music Singer on Acid That’s Listening to Trip-Hop

Confused?  Me too.  But you know who’s not?  Paul George.  He knows exactly who he is, in this stunning ensemble that is designed to make you feel like you’re staring a little too hard at those Mossimo shirts from 1995 that somehow rose to prominence.  Is Paul leaving the arena tonight and going to a disco party that’s being hosted by blind aliens aboard their Studio 81 themed flying saucer?  Or is he trying to pull our eyes out of their sockets and to his Little Mermaid colored pants?  Good question.  Regardless of the answers, he’s going to leave one retinal-scarring fashion statement forever seared into your cerebral cortex.  It begs the question: was Paul George’s leg really injured in that gruesome tumble during Team USA’s scrimmage this summer, or was that just the recurrence of an old injury he suffered after falling from his stunt-wired position as a human disco ball at Burning Man?

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Model: Tony Parker

Designer: Realistically?  Probably Tony Parker.  He is French, after all.  Don’t they all have some kind of fashion line?

Tony Parker, master of dribble-drive penetration and potentially doing his teammates’ wives, is also known for being a seriously handsome dude.  So feast your eyes on the latest in distressed pleather couture.  What’s couture, you ask?  I have no idea.  Just ask the French guy with the purse.  The idea for this vintage jacket was first developed when Tony Parker accidentally stumbled into a spare room of his mansion and witnessed Indiana Jones’ jacket making sweet, sweet jacket-love to a leather vest designed for mid-life crisising women.  Fashion fusion immediately sprung from the loins of those two star cross’d closet lovers and Tony tossed it on just in time to head down to the game.

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Model: James Harden

Designer: A Twelve-Year-Old girl who fell asleep while watching Powder Puff Girls

Wearing the latest in Tweenage-girl rhythmic gymnastics attire, James Harden shows off exactly what can happen when you match an inimitable beard with a flair for My Little Pony design concepts.  Never one to shy away from a slicing drive to the hoop or a mess chest opening that looks like it was most likely crocheted by a woman during her weekly book club meetings, Harden brings an edge to a shirt that can only be described as a cotton candy worm hole.



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