The championship is finally here, college football fans.  After two absurd, epic, playoff games last weekend we’ve somehow got one more amazing game to watch.  While we don’t have Jameis or Saban to collectively loathe as a nation, there are plenty of other interesting storylines to keep your eyes peeled for during tonight’s title matchup.  I’m sure you’re aware of Mariota and his connection to the Samoan people, and of Cardale Jones’ long-awaited chance at the spotlight.  There will be pieces on Oregon’s uniforms and Urban’s health.  There will be blow-hards blowing hard and hype immeasurable.

Since I’m sure at this point you’ve probably found yourself inundated with 74 of these lists from other websites, I’ll try to focus on the weirder, less well-tread areas of this title game.  The other storylines.

1.  Keep your eyes peeled for the most important cog in the Oregon offensive machine: this guy.


Yes.  That dude.  Not Marcus Mariota.  Not Mark Helfrich.  Not Royce Freeman or the insane system that snaps faster than a tweenage girl post-diss with her fingers attitudinally thrust skyward.  Nope.  It’s the ball boy.  He’s throwing out balls faster than a jugs machine, sprinting down the sidelines like some kind of Kid ‘N Play doppelgänger that’s late for his house party.  What color will the left chunk of his flat top be this time?  Is Marge Simpson his spirit animal?  When a flat-top gets that tall and majestic, shouldn’t we call that a plateau?  I can’t wait to answer all of these questions tonight when we get to see this dude’s plateau hauling ass down the sidelines.


2.  Urban Meyer Pizza Watch: The Mood is Tense!


Urban Meyer can coach his ass off.  That is, in spite of what I wish personally, an irrefutable fact.  He’s taken two different teams to the pinnacle of college football and appears poised to win his third national title in spite of starting his third string quarterback at the most crucial juncture of the year.  As much as I wish there was anything to say about Meyer’s coaching, it’s pretty much unassailable.  So what do you do when a coach is at the top of his game and you’re bitter and jealous?  CHEAP SHOTS!!!!!!  Which I thoroughly love.

So I’ll just leave this picture here:

Image Courtesy of:

And I’ll just root like hell for the Ducks to win the big one so that I can make a bunch of Urban Meyer pizza jokes.  (*Author’s note: in case you somehow missed my all-time favorite college football sports meme, Urban was spotted looking utterly depressed while crushing some cold Papa John’s in the bowels of a stadium after losing to Michigan State in the Big 10 Title game a year ago.)  If the Buckeyes, lose will Urb get a quick call out to his favorite pizza joint?  Will he plant ass in the loving, gluteal, embrace of a plastic golf cart seat to dejectedly smash some hamburger pie and garlic sauce?  Man, do I hope so.

(*Author’s note: Some thoughts on what he might order below.)


3.  Whose parents and/or hot girlfriend will be discovered by ESPN on the sidelines and shown incessantly until we’re all driven mad by overexposure put together a petition to have them deported?

We all remember the notorious Webburger (*Author’s note: the Hollywood power couple nickname I coined for star cross’d lovers, Katherine Webb and Brent Musburger) incident from the 2013 National Championship game.  In a time before GIFs were considered a primary means of communication, and before Vine was permanently loop-mode-tattooing images onto our cerebral cortexes we had ESPN producers repeatedly shouting “Now, get me another reaction shot from ______’s Mom in the stands!  Again!  Now AGAIN!” at their crew in the production truck outside of National Championship Football Games.  While our method of comsumption may have changed, that simple act of repetition has not.

Will they find Marcus Mariota’s mother and give us a visual to all that alliteration? Will Urban Meyer’s wife get caught looking nauseous on the sidelines?  As soon as they’re spotted, these women or men or absurdly attractive girlfriends will begin their assault on the Magic-Lupe Line of demarcation.  (*Author’s note: The Magic-Lupe line of demarcation is a media overexposure index that allows us to measure the maximum amount of obnoxious reaction shots that a sports network will show during a specific sporting event.  Shown here are three of the highest scores ever.  Many have tried, none have yet succeeded, to top the scores provided by any Michigan State Basketball game that is attended by Tom Izzo’s wife, Lupe, and famous alum Magic Johnson.)

4.  How many Mighty Ducks references can America make during tonight’s game?


— Is Mark Helfrich going to run “The Flying V” tonight?
— What this team needs right now is Gordon Bombay to rally the troops with a moving halftime speech.
— I haven’t been this crunk for a game involving the ducks since Kenan Thompson was sneaking into a goalie outfit to totally PWN Iceland.
— If the kicker shanks one?  Just call that a knucklepuck.
— Anytime there’s a big hit? Bash brothers.
— Ducks fly together!
— Mariota may be good, but he’s no Charlie Conway.
— If Oregon gets a safety I’m definitely calling it “D2: Mighty Ducks.”

I’m exhausted.  And those aren’t even funny.  I just thought I should try to get as many of them out of my system as possible before tonight so I don’t make every one of my followers block me on Twitter. (*Author’s note: but feel free to leave some more terrible puns in the comments on tweet them to me.  I don’t get tired of bad jokes. Usually because I’m the one making them.)

5.  Will Ohio State QB Cardale Jones Continue his stunning metamorphosis. . .into Ohio State’s Valedictorian?

Here’s what Cardale had to say about school back in 2012.

Which is a hilariously ironic, if fairly normal thing, for a “Student” athlete to say.  In fact, I remember penning an open letter to Wichita State during my brief time there as an athlete, comparing my pre-requisite classes to getting an HJ from some kind of wild jungle primate.  This was pre-social media, a non-revenue generating sport, and I was so far from the abilities and athleticism of Jones that it’s borderline insane.  In short, I know Cardale Jones.  I have watched Cardale Jones.  And I, sir, am no Cardale Jones.

However, what we’ve seen from Cardale this CFB postseason is nothing short of spectacular.  And I’m not talking about sports.  Here’s what Cardale Jones, academic, thinks about playing school now:


Image courtesy of:

Now that is something the NCAA should be proud of.  I’m betting that this is exactly why Mark Emmert makes a $1.7 million base salary.  Forget the politicians.  This, this is change we can believe in! #TeamEmmert! (*Author’s note: just checked and, for whatever reason, that isn’t trending on Twitter.  Weird.)

6.  Will Oregon’s Prize recruit be on their sidelines to give the team a super motivational speech and a massive PR boost?

“Make sure you keep the lid on all the Gatorades and whatever you do — whatever you do — make sure you only take your pre-game pill regimen from the trainers.” – Mark Helfrich, when prize recruit Cosby comes by the team lockers for a visit.

Also, I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m a little surprised to see Bill reppin’ Oregon: I had him pegged as more of a Florida State fan.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s