It’s a night game.  It’s an away game (*Author’s note: that matters, anyway).  You know what that means, Husker fans.  It’s time for the Huskers V.S. Michigan State Drinking Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take One Drink

— If Jordan Westerkamp makes a Ringling Bros catch that makes Nick Wallenda look like a mundane, semi-pro, street juggler.

Photo Courtesy of: Fox Sports

— If Tommy Armstrong runs such a sneakily perfect read option that the camera man, the Michigan State defense, and everyone in the stands watches Ameer Abdullah run one direction while Tommy undercovers his way for a first down on the low-low.
— If anyone you’re watching the game with demands we work in more Cethan Carter.
— *JAKE COTTON GETTING AN INEXPLICABLE PENALTY ALERT!*
— You hear or see any #FearAmeer references (*Author’s note: I hope you’ve got a DD)
— Kenny Bell’s afro is unleashed from his helmet and is so large that it briefly appears to create a lunar eclipse.
— If there’s a Husker touchdown that gives you an absurdly manic high

Kenny
— If there’s a Husker turnover that makes you feel like you just snorted Drain-o.
— One of Michigan State’s offensive lineman goes low for Randy Gregory’s knees and you nearly choke on your beer with unparalleled rage.
— Any time the enormity of the game appears so big that you desperately wish you were in the stands to watch the Huskers play.
— When you realize that it’s 40 Degrees, rainy, and that the wind is gusting at such a feverish pitch that not even Eskimos would venture from their Igloo to catch this game live.  (*Author’s note: yes, we are all soft in 2014.  Suck it.)
— *HORROR MOVIE ADVERTISEMENT PROVING THAT CREATIVITY IS DEAD ALERT!*

Take 2 Drinks
— *MEL KIPER’S BIG BOARD FEATURING RANDY GREGORY IN THE TOP 5 ALERT*
— If you look at the TV and realize that Nebraska’s defense is in the “dollar” formation and that we’ve eschewed linebackers for a lineup of all DBs and defensive linemen.

$
**Bonus Drink: If you witness Papuchis signaling in the play using the Johnny Manziel money sign language**
— If they show the Nebraska Marching Band spelling out “Fear Ameer”
— Anytime they show that one d-bag in the crowd who immediately begins wearing costumes to every football game the moment the clock strikes midnight on the month of October.
— *OBLIGATORY FOOTAGE OF NEBRASKA CRAPPING 5 TURNOVERS DOWN THEIR LEG AT HOME AGAINST MICHIGAN STATE IN 2013 ALERT*
— Anytime anyone makes a shitty Pierson-El pun.  (*Author’s note: if you’re anywhere near me during the game, you’d better call a cab home.)
— Every time ABC comes back to the game you find yourself wondering why ESPN took College Gameday to Ole Miss to witness a Little Bighorn-style massacre instead of coming out to watch a fascinating, highly important matchup of the Big Ten’s only two playoff contenders.
— If you find yourself immediately filled with venomous rage as you imagine all those Southern Dandies at the grove trolling around in their white boat shoes – even though the only boat they’ve ever been on in a booze cruise that their frat paid for – and their plaid bow-ties that would make Archbishop Don the Magic Juan cringe.

Photo courtesy of: kentuckysportsradio.com

Take 3 Drinks
— Anytime ABC shows Ameer Abdullah stats showing his historic ranking within the Husker program
— Everytime ABC Shows Ameer Abdullah’s stats compared with other running backs in the country
— Hell, Anytime Ameer Abdullah is awarded the Heisman trophy at halftime like he frickin’ deserves.
— Drew Brown crushes a deep kick despite being so scrawny that he has a bigger thigh gap than a photoshopped tween with self-image issues.

Photo Courtesy of: Omaha.com

(*Author’s note: why haven’t we started calling Drew Brown “Bundini Brown” yet? As in, greatest hype-man in boxing history and Muhammad Ali’s right hand man.  I’m calling him Bundini from now on.)
— Anytime Tommy Armstrong tosses a picturesque deep ball that looks on par with anything you’d see in the NFL
— Anytime Tommy Armstrong botches an intermediate pass, shank-throwing it so poorly it looks like something you’d see in the Lingerie Football League.

Chug It. . .Chug It. . .

— When the cameras inevitably find the fat, shirtless guy who seems to always magically appear like a schlubby, chest-painted, Criss Angel mind-freak magic trick any time the weather gets crappy
*Bonus Drink: If you are the fat, schlubby, chest-painted Houdini mentioned above*
— When you get this little ditty, that I have had stuck in my head every time DeMornay Pierson-El returns a punt, so thoroughly ear-wormed into the folds of your brain that you’ll never be able to remove it: (Sung to the tune of “Ride Wit Me” by Nelly.  Back when Nelly was good at rapping.) “…Oh, why would you punt his way, hey!, must be DeMornay!
— *OH, DEAR GOD, PLEASE NOT MAGIC JOHNSON JUST GOT DISCOVERED IN THE STANDS BECAUSE NOW THEY’LL SHOW HIM MORE THAN KATHERINE WEBB AT THE 2013 TITLE GAME ALERT*

(*Author’s note: The Magic-Lupe line of demarcation is a media overexposure measuring index that allows us to measure the maximum amount of obnoxious reaction shots that a sports network will show during a specific sporting event.  Shown here are three of the hightest scores ever.  None will ever top the scores provided by any Michigan State Basketball game that is attended by Tom Izzo’s wife, Lupe, and Magic Johnson.)

FIN

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