On Saturday the University of Nebraska will be playing against Florida Atlantic University.  While Florida Atlantic may be known for different things around the country, or more likely: is unknown around the country, it is widely regarded as FiredCarlPelini University here in Lincoln.

Whether or not Carl deserved to get canned down at FAU is one thing, but being Nebraska head coach, Bo Pelini’s older brother is another thing entirely.  Bo deflected questions about Carl’s ties to FAU with his usual coach-speak deferments on Monday, but I for one think that he’s ready to avenge the career-death of his older brother.  Carl may have been kind of pervy, and he may have driven his younger bro crazy at times but I’m thinking that Bo is looking to make a statement in this game.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Why not just hang 60 points on them, leave our starters in until the end of the game and then glower at the sideline reporter in standard Pelini fashion when asked about it?”  Maybe that’s not enough.

This is about family for Bo.  This is personal.

Here are the 4 ways that I hope that Nebraska should avenge Carl Pelini during the Florida Atlantic game


1.  Sneak Carl into the stadium in disguise.

CP1

Picture this: Lil’ Red comes out of the tunnel moments before the Tunnel Walk begins.  A slow hush falls over the crowd.  This, they collectively think, is something different.  Instead of kicking into his usual inflatable flop-show, the mascot is caught on the big screen.  Lil’ Red coyly waves to the fans.

Then…he leans over and kicks into an intense, hyper-sexualized, twerk session.

The elderly women, previously busy with having their angry husbands shout at people to sit down, immediately faint.  Mother’s cover their children’s eyes in awe-struck horror.  Lil’ Red pulls a switch blade out of his costume, cuts his own head off and tears off the rapidly deflating mask.  It’s Carl F-ing Pelini.  He leans back and extends a still chubbily inflated middle finger towards the Florida Atlantic sidelines and then grabs his puffy red crotch directly at head coach Charlie Partridge.

(*Author’s note: Is it just me or does Partridge look like someone was violating international cloning laws and mixed up the DNA between Bill Callahan and Josh Brolin?)


2.  Have Kenny Bell get a moving tribute to Carl corn-rowed into his fro.

Kenny

Kenny Bell is, arguably, the face of the Husker franchise right now.  And, if he’s not the face, he certainly is the hair.  So what better way to commemorate the #freecarl movement then by having Kenny sit down and let Bo put in some tight braids.  Regardless of how good Bo would be at adding in some fresh rows to Kenny’s ‘fro, it would be a moving touch to have one brother helping a player to support the other.  And, let’s be honest, no attempts at cornrows could ever be worse than Andrew Bynum’s from a few years back.


3.  Have Bo Pelini wear a custom-made, spray-painted tall tee to pay tribute to Carl like they do in the hood.

Bop

At the press conference on Monday, Bo stated that he had been “trying on a few things” and alluded to the fact that he may be updating his look a bit this year.  My guess is that he’s probably going to rock a high-end, chic, gray crewneck and some firmly pressed khakis.  However, I think that, to really stick it to the guys who screwed over his big bro, Bo should rip off the crewneck moments before kickoff, spike his headset and pop the chest of his Carl Pelini tall tee.  Can you imagine how hyped the crowd would get if Bo rode out onto the field on the medical cart, ghost-rode the whip and then went stupid?  I’m guessing FAU would pack their things up and leave on the spot.


4.  Have all players get their hydration upside down, keg-stand style from the Gatorade coolers.

stands

We all know Carl enjoys a good shindig.  Probably a little too much.  So why not let him be the tap-master general on the team’s Gatorade and have the team, in a show of solidarity, only drink their water upside down like they’re having an amazing keg stand at one of Coach Carl’s ragers?

The options are all there, Pelini.  Your move, Bo.

FIN

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