All Aboard the Husker Express: What Will Probably Happen When Husker Athletics Takes a Train Ride Across the State

Posted: May 23, 2014 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On June 28th the University of Nebraska athletic department will be sending out a passenger train on a statewide tour to thank Husker fans for their support.  The 14-car train will carry some 16 coaches, a bevy of administrators, and even athletic director Shawn Eichorst to 4 stops across the state, where coaches will get to press the flesh in much the same way that politicians used to do back when trains were the best, most efficient, mode of traveling long distances.

While this sounds like a great idea at first glance – All aboard the Husker Express!!! – it got me thinking.  What might happen on a 9 hour train ride full of coaches and administrators?  Looking deep into my crystal ball, putting on my ancient, ritualistic amulet, and wearing an over-abundance of pinky rings I’ve decided that it’s time for some educated guesses, some prognostications, and time for Hatchstrodamus to predict what will likely happen on this train ride across the state of Nebraska.

Here’s my predictive timeline for how things will go aboard “The Husker Express.”

7:50 AM — Carl Pelini arrives at the Durham Museum (where the journey will begin) breathlessly asking “Did someone say something about running a train?”  He is promptly turned away by security but can be heard muttering about “doing some rails” under his breath as he departs.  Probably because he likes trains so much.

Carl

8:00 AM — The train ride begins.  Sean Eichorst can be seen slathering on SPF 10,000,000,000,000 to protect his chalky complexion from the scorching Nebraska sun.  Despite his persistent requests to “get my back, will ya?”, Darin Erstad refuses to help.

8:20 AM — Tim Miles attempts to take his fourth selfie with Bo Pelini.  Bo declines for the fourth time.

8:24 AM — Tim Miles finishes poorly photoshopping himself into a fake-selfie with Bo and begins circulating the photo for the other Coaches’ amusement.

Tim

9:00 AM — Shawn Eichorst announces that after the first stop in Columbus there will be a hired magician doing a show in the lounge area for everyone’s amusement.  No one is excited.

9:30 AM — A group of horse-riding come galloping up next to the Husker Express and gesture wildly at the conductor to stop the engines.  They’ve come to hijack the entire train and steal all of the enormous amounts of wealth that could be aboard.  The bandits leap onto the train in a stunning act of recklessness.  They begin searching car-to-car for the highest paid state employee in Nebraska.

9:35 AM — Bo and Tim Miles quietly slip into a side car, close the doors and begin secretly preparing.  But for what?

9:36 AM – 9:50 AM — All of this happens:

BoTim

9:51 AM — Bo pulls the bandana off the bandit leader’s face.  It’s Josh Banderas!  Moments before throwing him off the train like a sack of middle-linebacking garbage, Bo calmly explains that if he ever catches them train-stealing again they won’t get off with just diversion.

10:05 AM — The train pulls into Columbus, NE no worse for wear.  For the next hour, the crew on board the Husker Express kisses babies, poses for photos, and signs autographs for the masses.  All is well.

11:05 AM — The train pulls out of the station in Columbus.

11:06 AM — Feeling festive, Tim Miles and Darin Erstad perform a rousing duet of Wild Wild West.  Erstad gets the Sisqo parts.

11:15 AM — Eichorst rounds everyone up for the aforementioned magic show.

11:20 AM — With a great flourish the magician is revealed:

Tay

11:21 AM — The featured illusionist, known only by his stage name of “T-Magic”, attempts to pull a quarter out of Connie Yori’s ear, fumbles his wand and nearly stabs her directly in the cornea.  The show is promptly canceled after Bo leaps to his feet, screaming in a high-pitched wail, “You see that?!?!  EVERY fucking time, with the fumbling.  EVERY time!”

11:43 AM —Lunch is served.  In an effort to speed up the proceedings, and to keep down costs, all of the non-revenue sports’ coaches are lined up in front of Der Weiner Schlinger, in reverse execution style and have a Fairbury dog shot directly into their mouths.

12:17 PM — Shawn Eichorst attempts to lead a conga-line dance through the train, while having the PA system blast the Quad City DJ’s hit song ‘C’mon ‘n Ride It (the Train)’ .  No one else participates.

12:25 PM — The train arrives in Grand Island.  For the next hour, the crew on board the Husker Express kisses babies, poses for photos, and signs autographs for the masses.  All is well.

1:25 PM — The train pulls out of the station in Grand Island.

1:30 PM — The conductor of the train comes on over the loud-speaker and announces that former Husker great, and famed defensive driver, Ndamukong Suh will be the guest conduct for the next hour.  The entire party devolves into a Molotov cocktail of wild, primal fear as everyone attempts to get off the westbound death trap before this happens:

1:32 PM — The conductor announces he was just joking.  Bandages are applied to open wounds.  Shanks are un-sharpened.  The lively atmosphere returns quickly.

1:45 PM — The festive mood is quickly squashed when a group of NCAA-sanctioned terrorist seize the train.  Lead by the highly dangerous Mark “The Jackal” Emmert, this group of guns-for-hire seize the train and begin to  put into motion their master plan to implement the most fiendish weapon of mass destruction that amateur sports has ever seen: using a remote satellite uplink to add 600 more pages to the NCAA Rulebook.

Mark

2:10 PM — Thankfully for Nebraska, they hired an out-of-work Steven Seagal to work in the kitchen of the train.  Even more lucky?  The fact that he’s a lawman.  Luckiest of all?  Steven Seagal is a freaking badass and he has been through this exact scenario before.  Huskervision immediately begins filming as Seagal partners with softball coach Rhonda Revelle to storm the front car, disarm the terrorists and throw virtually all of them off the train to horrible deaths.  Huskervision then splices the footage together to create Under Siege 3: Siege Harder on the spot.  The film, which will go on to outgross every Harry Potter movie ever and win 11 Academy Awards, firmly establishes Steven Seagal as being on the Mount Rushmore of action heroes for all of eternity.

2:20 PM — The train arrives in Kearney, NE.  For the next hour, the crew on board the Husker Express kisses babies, poses for photos, and signs autographs for the masses.  All is well.

3:20 PM — The train departs Kearney, NE.

3:56 PM — Just when the passengers began to think that they were finally in the clear, and that all the distractions of the day were behind them, the train breaks down.

4:00 PM — A hovering DeLorean flashes out of the prairie sky and suddenly appears in front of the broken down train.  Bo Pelini from the year 2056 and his mentor, Doc Osborne, inform the passengers of the train that, if they are unable to make it North Platte by the designated time it will start a series of events that will eventually rip a gaping hole into the very fabric of the space time continuum.

4:05 PM — As Doc Osborne and future Bo Pelini try to fire up their space DeLorean, to tow the train to North Platte, their Flux Capacitor gives out.

4:15 — With the fate of humanity hanging in the balance for the 4th time on this particular train ride, the intrepid band of travelers realize they have one choice: they’re going to have to power the train the old fashion way.  With steam.  They push the DeLorean onto the tracks in front of the train and get to work.

4:20 PM — Bo Pelini climbs into the engine room of the train, pulls out his phone and YouTube’s the 2013 Iowa game.  The green rage-steam emanating from his pores comes gushing out at 999,999 parts per million and Pelini inadvertently creates the world’s most high-efficiency, totally renewable resource.  The train lurches to a start, chugging up to 88 MPH in a matter of seconds. The DeLorean immediately hyper-jumps back to 2056 where Future Bo continues his cutting edge concussion research and leads Nebraska to their 33rd National Championship in a row.

A

 

4:45 PM — As Bo continues to watch the Iowa game, his chicken-shit-call-fueled rage spirals out of control.  The train is picking up speed.  In fact, it’s going too fast!  It’s out of control.  The train is the size of the Chrysler building (*Author’s note: that’s not true) and it’s heading directly for the town of North Platte!  A disaster seems imminent.

4:49 PM — The end is nigh.  Shawn Eichorst begins creepily singing “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” and Tim Miles privately confesses to Darin Erstad that he actually hates social media.

4:55 PM — The runaway train is exploding towards a hairpin turn that will take them into the final stretch of their journey.  But they’re going too fast to make the turn.  As the steel behemoth bears down on the too-sharp turn everyone aboard the train braces for derailment.

4:57 PM — The coaches and staff members hear a train whistle coming from behind them.  They leap to the windows to see what could possibly be gaining on this iron missile.  It’s another train.  Being driven by (*Author’s note: who else?) Tom Osborne and his co-conductor, Carl Pelini.  The other train comes flying up the tracks behind the Husker Express and latches onto the caboose.  Osborne, remarking that this will still be less of a disaster than the Callahan hire, throws his train in reverse, slowing the train just enough to make the turn manageable.

5:15 PM — Crisis averted, Osborne and Carl veer their train off onto a side track and disappear to fight injustice and poor coaching hires another day.  Carl has Osborne drop him off at the Hooters on the edge of town.

5:20 PM — The train arrives in North Platte.  For the next hour, the crew on board the Husker Express kisses babies, poses for photos, and signs autographs for the masses.  All is well.

6:20 PM — The train turns around for its return trip to Omaha. . .

FIN

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s