This Christmas, Give Ja Rule the Gift of a Cookbook Publishing Deal

Posted: December 23, 2013 in Pop Culture
Tags: , , , , , ,

About halfway through November, my buddy Joel sent me a link to an AV Club article  that looked like this:

Capture

I then put the link into my “drafts” section and stared at it for about a month.  I was waiting for the right time to write on such a momentous idea.  I needed to collect my thoughts.  I needed to try to stop laughing hysterically.  I needed to figure out what I could do to help Ja get the job done.  I needed Christmas.

This wasn’t from the Onion.  Or some kind of elaborate, months-late April Fool’s Day joke.  Ashton Kutcher or whatever-lame-ass-psuedo-celeb-is-hosting-Punk’d-these-days wasn’t waiting to jump out of the bushes and pull a Goosebumps book “GOTCHA!”  This was real.  This is our life now, America.

Ja Rule wants to put out a cookbook.

Not only that, but the cookbook would be full of all of his microwave recipes.  From prison.

The Ja Rule As a Continuously Funny Punchline Club has existed since the early 2000’s and, as its de facto President, I couldn’t believe my luck.  Here was Ja, suddenly catapulting back into the news.  Of course it was for the wrong reasons.  Of course it had to do with his prison stint for tax evasion and of course he wanted to make a cookbook featuring all-microwaved meals from his time spent in the clink.

And of course this incredible news story broke in tandem with the fact that he would be starring in the hideously unintentionally-funny I Fell In Love With a Church Girl movie that came out around the same time.  He followed that up immediately by having to deal with rumors that he was leaving his wife for a gay lover that he met while in prison (*Author’s note: see, I guess his microwaving really is that good.) with a late-arriving nominee for Tweet of the Year:

The reason I’m writing about this now, dear readers, is that I firmly believe that getting the funding to get this book made would make the ideal Christmas present for the world.  Forget peace on earth and goodwill towards men.  Forget children of the world joining hands and singing Christmas carols in a universally peaceful movement to aid humanity.

We need Ja’s cookbook.

And we need it now.

Someone please start a Kickstarter campaign to get this bad boy rolling.  Start a petition to Random House or send a letter to the Food Network.

I’ve already got some good ideas to help things out, so now it’s up to you guys to do the legwork for me.  We can do this, people.  Christmas is the time of miracles.

The forward needs to be by Sisqo.

Can he read?  Can he write?  Is he even still alive?  I’m not sure.  But one thing’s for sure, these two will always be inexorably linked in the psyches of my generation.  Ja and Sisqo were two of our guiltiest pleasures, fueled more than their fair share of awkward grind and bumping (*Author’s note: we were probably doing it backwards) at Park Middle School, and have since turned into the solar energy of internet hilarity: completely renewable resources.

The cover image needs to be that exact image that was used in that AV Club article.

Ja’s grill, screwed up into his patented stank face, as though he’s just pulled out his chicken gnocchi veronese from the prison microwave and can’t resist shouting “It’s Murd-ahhh!” as he takes his first sip of the delightful concoction.

Former co-star Steven Seagal needs to have a guest chapter in the book where he can impart his ancient, masterful, culinary advice.

Seagal and Ja starred in Half Past Dead together back in ’02 which was, ironically, set in a prison.  It was directed by Don Michael Paul (*Author’s note: who sounds like three dudes but is actually just one guy), the same visionary who brought us Who’s Your Caddy and I feel certain that these two guys shared a special bond on set.  Besides, if you listen to Steven Seagal tell it, what isn’t Steven Seagal good at?

Come on, guys.  You know you have a couple extra bucks lying around.  It’s not like the economy is in the tank or anything.  So let’s all pitch in this Holiday season and do something meaningful for society.  Let’s help Ja get his own microwave-prison-food cookbook.

FIN

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