4 Ideas for Johnny Football’s Halloween Costume

Posted: October 18, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

The news recently broke that one Johnny Football Heisman Suckitmarkemmert Manziel was going to let the readers of sports blog, Outkick the Coverage, choose his next Halloween costume.  He famously started his whirlwind of media overexposure when the site posted photos of him dressed as Scooby Doo, getting his freak on with any number of scantily clad Aggies on the Texas A&M campus.  Like, for instance, this instant classic that probably left Mama Manziel wishing that Al Gore had never invented the internet.

And if you think that picture’s blurry, you can imagine what the night was like for that girl.

Regardless, as a noted Halloween fanatic (*Author’s note: see: every post I write in October) I couldn’t resist the opportunity to come up with a few costume ideas for Johnny Football to rock at the parties during All Hallow’s Eve.  I’m sure some of these are already floating around out there, and have maybe even been covered at length by media members quicker on the draw and more original than I am.

But, hey, it’s Halloween.  People have been cutting holes in their parents’ old bedsheets since time immemorial and ghost costumes are still out there.  So here are just a few ideas I hope Mr. Manziel takes into consideration.

Johnny Quidditch

potter

Because baseball may still be clinging to the title “America’s Game” with their rigor-mortising, leathery hands, and football may actually be America’s game, but we all know that Quidditch is definitely a close 2nd.  It just makes too much sense.  They’re both “The Chosen One”.  They both emerged from relative obscurity (*Author’s note: even if one slept under a staircase and the other one slept in a plush, Egyptian Cotton, 2 bazillion thread count king-sized bed that was filled with girls) and then had enormous expectations heaped on them from a young age once their prodigious talents were realized.  Both had success in the sporting world at a young age and were nearly torn down by bureaucratic haters, as well.

Holy shit.  Johnny Football is Harry Potter.

The Ghost of Mark Emmert’s Career

Emmert

We all know NCAA President Mark Emmert’s days are numbered.  We all know he’s bungled and botched his way through an administration that makes Rod Blagojevich’s seem like a pretty clean and above-board operation.  And who better to twist that career-ending knife than the guy who damn near stuck the official “fork in him” into  Emmert this offseason?  No, seriously.  Boo better?  (*Author’s note: I’d like to apologize to everyone who just slammed their head into their desk.)  Wandering around the club scene in College Station in that mask, with that hair, probably could stop even Johnny Football from getting twerked on.  Except for you know he’s getting straight twerked on, son.  He’s Johnny Football.  He got ass for days while wearing a Scooby Doo costume.

Ja-Lazy-On Clowney

clowney

Everyone in the SEC loves taking shots at each other.  They bump gums more than a brother/sister West Virginia fan makeout session (*Author’s note: Yes, I’m saying they’re toothless.  And inbred.).  So why wouldn’t Johnny F get involved in sending a big anti-shoutout to the one guy that is a big enough star to take away some of his celestial-sized limelight?  Clowney’s got a bad rep, deserved or otherwise, and it just wouldn’t be like Manziel to not foolishly jump right in and comment when he should keep his mouth shut.  So this is the perfect way to do just that.  Rock the SC jersey.  Wear the pants, drink some beers, have some chips, and kick back in your lazy boy.  You’re Ja-Lazy-On Clowney, man.  Just relax for a few plays.

Johnny Hancock

hancock

Perhaps the two most famous autographers in one costume?  Halloween might cave in on itself like a dying supernova, collapse and suck the entire world into the hellish abyss of costumed perfection.  Or it could just be kind of ironic.  Either way, this has to be the costume for Johnny F-the-world Manziel.  Even though he probably doesn’t know anything about John Hancock other than that’s the name of his Daddy’s wealth management firm, this costume would be perfect.  We all know ladies love the powdered wig.  We all know Manziel likes to extend a social media middle finger to anyone with an Instagram account.  This seems like a match made in heaven to me.

FIN

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