NFL Ref Hochuli: Worried that HGH Testing of Players Could Lead to Testing of, Um, Other Employees of NFL

Posted: August 26, 2013 in Fake Headlines
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NFL Referee Ed Hochuli came out in opposition of potential NFL HGH testing in an interview Thursday afternoon.

“Hell no, we don’t need to test for HGH.  That’s just. . .that’s just stupid.  If someone wants to be totally ripped, completely cock-diesel jacked out there, shouldn’t that be their business?  The last thing I need – we need, rather – is some suit trying to tell us what to do in the weight room.”

At this point he switched his voice to a nasal, stereotypically nerdy voice.

“’Oh, you’re too stroooong.  You might kick sand in my face or take my lunch mo—‘. . .wait you mean testing the players?  Ohhhh. . .right.  The players!”

Hochuli nervously giggled.  He ripped off a few more bicep curls with his portable free weights.

“So do you know if they’re going to test everyone?  They’re testing everyone?!?  Or just the players?  I’m, um, I’m asking for a friend of mine.  I mean, I know a guy that knows a guy, kind of a thing and, um, he might want to know about the testing poilcy.  That’s not going to be everyone that’s tested, though right?”

When pressed further on his personal beliefs on the matter, Hochuli continued.

“Well listen, I’m not necessarily opposed to testing the players, per se.  But I think that opens a dangerous door.  You know, it’s kind of a slippery slope.  Like, let’s say you start testing the players for HGH.  Who do you start testing next?  The coaches?  The referees?  I mean, where does it end.  Pretty soon you’re trying to test the guy selling Bud Light in the stands and you’re going Gestapo on everybody.  Just be careful what you wish for.  Because, believe you me, there are some really stunningly well-muscled guys that are connected in this league, some real GQ type dudes that you might lose based on that testing.”

When asked if Hochuli was referring to anyone in particular he merely shook his head and smiled knowingly.

“No.  You know.  Not really anyone in particular.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with my, um, anti-aging specialist and a sleeveless shirt retailer I have to get to.”



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