Mark Emmert: “Flash Me, Ladies! But Strictly For Investigative Purposes”

Posted: August 15, 2013 in Fake Headlines, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The NCAA Reached out again on Wednesday morning, soliciting the help of the general public in putting together an NCAA Violations case against Johnny Manziel.

“What we really need now,” NCAA President Mark Emmert said in a statement he issued at a press conference on Wednesday morning,  “is for any women that may have had contact with Johnny Manziel, in an autograph-seeking capacity, to step forward and help us with our investigation.”

He continued.  “We know that Mr. Manziel was relatively popular with the female crowd and we need evidence that he signed, uhm, certain body parts in exchange for cash value.  So what we require is for a few good citizens, or actually as many as possible — yeah a lot would be really, really helpful — to provide us with that evidence.  I want, errr, we want cleavage pics, sext messages, and as many actual witness chest– ummm. . .testimonies as we can get.”

At this point Mr. Emmert paused to dab some Richard Nixon-esque sweat from off his brow.

“Whew,” he commented as he dabbed at the moisture.  “Is anyone else hot in here?”

Brow cleansed, he proceeded.

“We need to see a preponderance of evidence that Mr. Manziel was indeed signing illicit parts of the female body and we need to see it with our own eyes.  In a semi-darkened room.  With a single, honey-scented candle lit.  And D’Angelo playing softly in the background.  All of this is strictly in the name of building a better case.  There is no stone we will leave unturned, no Secret from Victoria’s we won’t investigate.  The only, I repeat only, reason we are willing to force ourselves to stare at the chests of college co-ed after college co-ed from around the nation is that we believe in a strict code of amateurism.  I will personally be conducting the witness interviews, along with a team of professional cameramen from the staff of Girls Gone Wild, to oversee that this is done strictly by the book.”

At this point Mr. Emmert leaned over and pulled out a large stack of NCAA sanction Mardi Gras beads and held them aloft.

Emmert=pervert

“Any participant willing to help us in this investigation in the aforementioned manner will not only get to sleep soundly knowing that they’ve played a vital role in carrying our justice for the most pristine and holy of all collegiate institutions, but they will also get these commemorative beads and my personal phone number, address, and Snapchat username, should they come across any further. . .ummm. . .evidence.”

FIN

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