Fantasy Football: One Man’s Dream Season, Part II

Posted: August 7, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

(*Author’s note: this is the second half of a post outlining what my fantasy season of football would look like.  This isn’t PPR or nerd-nerd-nerd, this is truly just a fantastical, wild, dream of what one man’s greatest-season-ever would entail.  Here’s the link to part I.)

Monday, October 28, 2013

Nick Saban’s lawyers convince the Tuscaloosa police department that Saban will turn himself in at noon.  Hundreds of reporters swarm the local police station.  A drunk and un-employed Chris Berman shows up, desperately hoping to pull an Anchroman but ends up giving a live report into his sub sandwich after being tossed into the drunk tank.

Saban never shows.  Police, and a bevy of reporters, begin a massive manhunt to try to find the coach.  Saban is eventually spotted in a vehicle being slowly driven down University Boulevard by Kirby Smart in a Black Mercedes Benz SUV.

The entire event culminates with the police allowing OJ Simpson telephone access to try to talk Saban down.  After hearing OJ promise to put him in touch with his publishing agency so he can write a sequel to If I Did It, Saban agrees to exit the car at Bryant-Denny Stadium.

Gus Malzahn can be seen standing on a street corner along Saban’s route holding a hand-made sign that reads, “He’s definitely guilty!”

Thursday, October 31, 2013

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces that, in the 2014-15 NFL season the league will explore the possibility of allowing teams to tag one player on their roster with the “Sanchize Tag”.  This tag will allow the team to immediately force that player to wear a pink Mark Sanchez jersey during all team-related functions and allow their PA announcer to refer to said player as “The Butt-Fumble of Our Team!”

Saturday, November 2, 2013

In an attempt to slow the game down to a speed that is more to his liking, Arkansas head coach Bret Bielema incurs 17 first half delay of game penalties after hiring the Harlem Globetrotters to distract the referees while he tries to get his defense set.  The Razorbacks lose to Auburn 3-0 in spite of their stall tactics.

Biels

Sunday, November 3, 2013

New England defeats Pittsburgh behind 147 yards and 3 touchdowns by Tim Tebow.  Utilizing the now-unstoppable Vince Wilfork read option and the Rob Gronkowski fullback option, the Patriots roll to their 4th straight win.  Heading into a bye-week Tom Brady’s return appears imminent.  Message boards around the country collapse in on themselves like a demolishing building and every blogger with a keyboard gamely attempts to struggle through carpal tunnel from the mass amounts of speculation occurring.

Monday, November 4, 2013

After slipping to 3-6 on the year owner Jerry Jones finally fires Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett.  Bill Callahan is named interim head coach.  At the press conference Callahan is so overcome with emotion that he accidentally flashes his signature throat slash maneuver.

Friday, November 8, 2013

With #4 Michigan set to host #5 Nebaska, Lee Corso meets with ESPN producers to try to persuade him not to drop an F-Bomb on the set of college gameday in Ann Arbor.  He agrees.  But his fingers are crossed underneath the table.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

After a season-long crescendo, after hours upon hours of hype, and after Corso stands up and fires a double middle finger salute to Kirk Herbstreit when he (predictably) doesn’t choose Nebraska to win.  He then shouts that he’s “All F-ing in” on Nebraska and puts on the grinning face of the Cornhuskers mascot, Herbie.

For the first time Nebraska plays a team worth mentioning other than UCLA.  In a back and forth, instant classic, that sees Nebraska pull away in the fourth quarter for a sizeable lead, Nebraska wins 35-27.  Martinez avoids the big turnovers that have plagued him in similar moments and Ameer Abdullah cements himself as a top-flight running back in the national spotlight by running for 176 yards and two touchdowns.  Brady Hoke becomes so enraged by his inability to stop the Huskers that he throws his assistant’s headset onto the field.

So downtrodden are the Wolverine faithful that not even a shirtless Hugh Jackman signing showtunes during a post-game performance can raise their spirits.  (*Author’s note: Well, at least not the spirits of the straight dudes in the audience.)

Wolver

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Behind Bill Callahan’s stalwart leadership, the Dallas Cowboys devolve into a human meth lab explosion, losing 69-0 to the New Orleans Saints.  Callahan is spotted on the sidelines selling his soul to a voodoo priestess in exchange for Tony Romo switching bodies with Peyton Manning.

Friday, November 15, 2013

A clearly hungover Steve Spurrier answers every question at his pregame news conference by saying, “That’s a Clowney question, bro!”  And then smirking.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Nebraska defeats Michigan State 31-13.  Mark Dantonio is so thoroughly depressed that he legally adds an apostrophe and deletes the “O” from the end of his name so, at least, he isn’t known as the worst D’Antoni in coaching.

Prior to the USC V.S. Stanford game, Head Trojans coach, Lane Kiffin can be seen doing a line of blow off a player’s helmet and tells the team in their pre-game meeting “Blah, blah, blah.  Look, these guys go to Stanford, okay?!?  They’re a bunch of nerds.  You guys’ll blow it.  You will.  And you know what else?  I’ll just get hired to coach the Jets next year anyway!”

Lane

The video is leaked to the press and Kiffin enters drug rehab where he will be roommates with a bottomed-out Johnny Manziel.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Tom Brady returns as the quarterback for the New England Patriots and leads the team to victory.  Afterwards, he reveals that two things occurred during the game: 1) He played the entire game in his male Ugg boots and 2) He has developed a massive case of turf toe.  Far in the distance, thunder begins rumbling; a sonorous, slow-rolling build. . .

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

After slaying Mark Emmert in during nationally televised bloodsport, Jim Delany seizes control of the NCAA.  He immediately disbands the current conference alignment, punches Mike Slive in the throat, and declares that there will be an 8-Team playoff beginning immediately after conference championships are over, with seedings to be determined by a wide grouping of personnel.

Friday, November 22, 2013

The newly renamed People’s Republic of College Football announces that Jim Delany will be ceding power to Tom Osborne, who has been pulling the strings from the shadows the entire time.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Nebraska annihilates Penn State 55-21.  The home crowd is so stunned that when one half chants “WE ARE!”  the other half kind of shrugs their shoulders and says, “Going home, I guess.”

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Dallas Cowboys lose.  Even though they have a bye week.  Bill Callahan is seen sobbing in a corner booth at a Fort Worth area Denny’s.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The San Franciso 49ers defeat the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football, improving to 11-0.  Colin Kaepernick puts on a dazzling display of running and passing that leaves a befuddled Mike Shanahan shouting about how tattoos should be illegal in the NFL.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Nobel Peace Prize committee awards the anti-concussion ray-gun creators with 10 of their awards.  In a simultaneous — and equally unprecedented — move, they are also awarded 4 Pulitzers (*Author’s note: even though it doesn’t make sense), the Academy Award for the best motion picture, and 3 Teen Choice Awards.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Moments before the final tunnel walk of Nebraska’s season, and in a completely unprecedented maneuver, Bo Pelini comes onto the big screens at Memorial Stadium.  He announces that, after getting a few drinks into the new head of the People’s Republic of College Football (*Author’s note: Tom Osborne) Rex Burkhead has been granted one final game of eligibility.  Rex Burkhead leads the team onto the field.  Memorial Stadium registers on the Richter scales monitoring the San Andreas fault.

Rex's Return

Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Jacksonville Jaguars play at the Cleveland Browns.  Not even the two head coaches want to watch the game, so they call plays via cellphone from a local bar while watching NFL Redzone and drinking heavily.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

An anonymous donor (*Author’s note: who mysteriously signs the bail paperwork as Murban Beyer) pays $29,000 to bail out the entire starting lineup from the Columbus police department.  They are immediately reinstated onto the Buckeyes’ team and flown out to Indianapolis to begin preparation for the Big 10 Championship game.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Nebraska defeats the Ohio State Buckeyes.  Inmate #22793-1 throws 2 interceptions in the first half and inmate #847713-22 suffers a costly fumble on the Buckeyes’ 1-yard line that is miraculously returned 99-yards by an exhausted Thad Randle.

Nebraska wins their first conference title since 1999.  638 miles away, little known writer and admitted Nebraska football junkie Chris Hatch, nearly punches a hole in his TV with unabashed joy while screaming like a Bieber fan who just won backstage passes.

At the post-game press conference, Urban Meyer retires on the spot, promptly un-retires, then re-retires, then un-retires.

Monday, December 9, 2013

High Emperor of the People’s Republic of College Football, Tom Osborne declares that the PRCF Playoff committee has convened and will be televising their 10-hour proceedings live on ESPN 2 to allow for complete transparency.  The PRCF debates for a good chunk of time but, ultimately settles on the following 8 teams for the playoff:  Nebraska, Louisville, Stanford, Miami, Florida, Texas, LSU, and Oregon.

The playoffs will begin the following Saturday with the higher seeded teams hosting home games.

Nebraska draws Texas.  The pulses of 1.856 million people immediately leap into snare drum rolls.  The faces of 1.865 million people turn into flinty gazes of solemn, revenge-seeking heat.  3.73 Million sets of hands flash to smartphones and keyboards and land-line phones (*Author’s note: can’t forget the elderly) in a digital Running-of-the-Bulls to the ticket windows.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The college football playoffs begin.  America instantaneously turns into a ghost town.  The Ohio State team, in the middle or robbing the Columbus Federal Credit Union, encounters so little resistance that they become weirded out and end up putting the money back and going home.

The 11 AM game features a hard-battling Florida team at home against the phenomenally talented Louisville Teddy Bridgewaters.  Florida prevails after Louisville offensive coordinator Shawn Watson accidentally has the team punt on 3rd down on the final drive of the game.  Florida wins 28-24.

The 2:30 game featuring Stanford at LSU is a true slobber-knocking, intellect v.s. Cajun dialect, grass-eating affair.  Les Miles uses all of his timeouts on one possession at the start of the third quarter and Stanford wins 20-10.

The 5 PM game pairs Oregon and the upstart Miami Hurricanes.  Played in Eugene, the surprising Hurricanes are led to a stunning upset victory against the heavily favored Ducks.  Oregon’s halftime uniform changes do little to fire the team up, who look stymied by a swarming defense and a peaking Stephen Morris.

The night game features the #1 Nebraska Cornhuskers against the #8 Texas Longhorns.  Again wearing their special-issued black uniforms, Nebraska seeks to de-pants Mack Brown and banish the specter of the Longhorns forever from the consciousness of their entire state.

From the outset, Nebraska appears to be too much for the overmatched Longhorns, pulling ahead early and running away with the game.  Mack Brown looks to be clearly outmatched and Taylor Martinez has a field day with the team that has given Husker fans fits throughout the 2000s.  Nebraska wins 38-20.  Bevo attempts to gore Mack Brown on the sidelines and is unceremoniously put down by his handlers.  The giant bull is offered up as a sacrifice to Husker fans who promptly feed the meat to their dogs and grill some steaks from Nebraska.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

After losing to the San Francisco 49ers by 21 points, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Josh Freeman admits that two of his four fumbles in the game were due to residual Jheri Curl juice on his throwing hand.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Former Husker quarterback and college football hall of famer (*Author’s note: about damn time, too) Tommie Frazier secretly records his long-awaited followup track to his first Florida rap.

In a blazingly hot diss track, rapped entirely into a bottle of Tabasco sauce, T-Fraz lays it down once again.  Produced by Rick Rubin and featuring Kanye West, Dr. Dre and Eminem the song is such complete and utter hot-fire that it inspires Dr. Dre to finally release Detox.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

The second round of college playoff games are also set to be played at the home stadiums of the higher seeded teams.

During the 3:30 game, Miami manages to eke out a win despite facing a bruising offensive and defensive attack from the Cardinal.  Uncle Luke storms the field with a microphone and performs an impromptu version of “It’s All About the U” and Nevin Shapiro attempts to do a touchdown dance during his yard time, but ends up getting jumped by members of the Crips instead.

During the 7:00 game, Nebraska fans are treated to Frazier’s single prior to the tunnel walk.  The song instantaneously goes viral and the raucous crowd explodes with unrestrained joy when the Huskers are able to defeat the Florida Gators by 13 points, after a fourth quarter surge.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

In the first-ever college football playoff championship the Nebraska Cornhuskers take on the Miami Hurricanes.  The game is played at AT&T Stadium in Dallas, which now has a gigantic picture of Bill Callahan’s face hanging from the side with a giant red “X” marking over it.

After going down in the early stages of the fourth quarter by 14 points, Nebraska comes roaring back  to tie the game at 31-all with a 17-yard touchdown run by Taylor Martinez.  With 48 seconds left to play, Bo Pelini is faced with an eerily familiar choice.  Does he kick the PAT and go into overtime?  Or does he go for two and attempt to win the game, straight up?

With Bo Pelini’s tenure, the football fates of millions of Cornhusker fans hanging in the balance, Bo Pelini makes his decision.  The Huskers trot out in their standard field goal formation.  The ball is snapped and surprise-holder Ron Kellogg III  rolls out to his right.  He throws back across the field to receiver Kenny Bell who leaps high into the seemingly-paused-for-drama night air. . .and comes down with the ball.

Nebraska wins.  In one post-season they exorcise their Texan tormentors and 30 years of brutal reminiscence on what might have been against Miami.  In one postseason Nebraska fans go from the bored, lamenting, glass-is-half-full-but-it’s-full-of-hard-alcohol doldrums of repeated “almosts” and “if-onlys” to national champions.  There is a spectacularly grand party on O Street in downtown Lincoln.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

The San Francisco 49ers finish the regular season undefeated, crushing the Arizona Cardinals.  Colin Kaepernick desperately looks for a good spot on his body to tattoo “16-0” but literally can’t find anywhere that isn’t tattooed.

(*Author’s note: bear with me, here, the readers.  It’s time to put a bow on this bad boy, so we’re jumping way ahead.)

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The San Francisco 49ers defeat the Denver Broncos 35-27 in Super Bowl XLVIII despite wind-whipping snow and Peyton Manning’s last hurrah.  Mercury Morris, despondent over not being able to pop another idiotic bottle of champagne over being the only undefeated team in history, catches frost bite.

And thus ends the greatest football season in history.  Or at least. . .that’s my fantasy.  What’s yours?

FIN

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