Fantasy Football: One Man’s Dream Season, Part I

Posted: August 6, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

In August, my thoughts turn to football.  A wistful, unrequited kind of longing that takes me somewhere both nostalgic and weird, considering I’m pining after a time of year where I spend hours upon hours watching a bunch of dudes in overly tight pants run into each other.

Back in 2010 this opining for football led me to write an absurdly long, 2-part piece that was about “fantasy” football.  Here’s part I.  And here’s part II.  I wasn’t talking about dweebs crunching numbers before their fantasy draft (*Author’s note: see: me) or nerds pounding on their smartphones in the hopes that Jay Cutler isn’t throwing his 3rd interception of the day (*Author’s note: see also: me).

No.  What I wanted then, and what I want to do once more, is to take a look at what my ultimate fantasy season would look like for 2013-2014 calendar year, explore what fictitious events could make this football season the best ever?  Come with me, football fans.  Let’s hop into the DeLorean, crank that beast up to 88 MPH and go deep into the future.  Or at least what I hope the future will look like.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The Nebraska Cornhuskers announce that they’re having a benefit concert to raise money for “important stuff” (*Author’s note: this turns out to be an illegal, underground slush fund to purchase the next Cam Newton off the fathers-selling-their-sons black market.)  In the penultimate act, Scott Criss and Imani Cross nearly tear down the stage with a fiery, majestically impassioned rendition of Kriss Kross’ seminal classic: “Jump.”

Criss Cross

For the final performance of the night, Bo Pelini — accompanied by the Lincoln Symphony Orchestra and the entire Nebraska Marching band, performs Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”  Grown men are seen openly weeping.  A record number of babies are conceived on that night, and the slush fund ears upwards of 4 Million dollars.

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Washington Redskins shock the football community by announcing that they’re going to be abandoning their old team logo in favor of a new, rebranded team name: The Washington White-People-Can’t-Dances.  In an effort to convince people he’s not racist, and that he can poke fun of his own race, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder will issue a press release to coincide with the announcement that will read: “See.  I’m not racist.  Honkie.  There, I said it.”

Thursday, August 22, 2013

ESPN Announces they have fired Chris Berman, Stephen A. Smith, and Skip Bayless and that they will be signing Kevin Hart, Norm McDonald, and Dan Patrick.  People  take to the streets in a spontaneous flash-mob of pure, unadulterated joy.  Police are called to scene in riot gear, but are so overcome with their own emotions that they end up leading the crowd in a giant, group singing of “Glory, Glory, Hallelujah.”

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Video surfaces of Johnny Football, Peyton, and Eli Manning doing Vegas Bombs in a seedy Louisiana karaoke bar.  The ensuing video of the trio singing “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks (*Author’s note: or as I call him: Chris Gaines), replete with an Eli V. Peyton dance battle, gets 900 million hits on YouTube and briefly hits #3 on the iTunes country charts.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Taylor Martinez holds a press conference.  He is lucid.  Coherent.  He reveals that he’s actually going for a his PhD. in performance arts and has been doing a social-experiment performance in his interviews for the last 3 years.  He goes on to cite Henry David Thoreau, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Andy Kaufman as his inspirations for the performance.  One local media member’s mouth hits the floor so hard he dislocates his jaw.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Nebraska demolishes Wyoming 56-7.  The defense looks blazingly fast, the offense operates without a flaw, and Bo Pelini’s fistpump looks like it belongs in an oil-on-canvas at the Louvre.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The NFL regular season gets underway.  Carrie Underwood gives America an auditory back massage during her introduction and America once again feels more like AMERICA!!!!!!!!!  After purging their entire defense of playmakers so they could afford Joe Flacco’s titanic contract, the Ravens coaching staff attempts to have him pitch in by playing 2-3 other positions.  Flacco blows out his knee attempting to cover Wes Welker and Baltimore slides further down the list of hellish cities.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Nebraska beats Southern Miss 62-21.  The beating is so bad that Brett Favre feels he has no choice but to hold a press conference to announce he’ll be coming out of retirement and attempting to utilize an NCAA loophole (*Author’s note: pick a loophole, any loophole) to play quarterback once again for his Alma mater.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Proving that Karma is very real — and a very real bitch — Jerry Sandusky drops the soap in the prison showers for the 4th time in 5 days.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Sandusky drops it again.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Behind the young, hungry, and shockingly talented Blackshirt defense, Nebraska defeats UCLA 35-14.  Be Pelini high-fives John Papuchis so hard that his crewneck shreds off his body like the Incredible Hulk in mid-transformation.

Bo Smash!

On this same date Alabama loses to Texas A&M 35-27.  Crimson Tide quarterback A.J. McCarron throws so many interceptions that CBS’ cameras create a national epidemic of motion sickness, as they whip frantically to reaction shots from McCarron’s girlfriend.  Verne Lundquist vomits all over the telestrator and CBS issues an apology to anyone effected by the national tragedy.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

After discovering a little-known rule on page 974 of chapter one in the NCAA rulebook, Jim Delany challenges Mark Emmert to a gladiatorial style death match for control of the NCAA.  Desperate for viewers, Fox Sports 1 agrees to televise the event.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Nebraska demolishes South Dakota State 63-0.  Taylor Martinez puts up 476 yards of total offense and Kenny Bell puts up 210 yards of afro.  The beatdown is so severe that the Big Ten Network is forced to change the rating to TV-MA and issue a parental warning when coming back from commercial breaks.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Tom Brady suffers a roguishly handsome shoulder sprain on the Patriots’ last possession of the 4th quarter of the in their game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

That night, Dr. James Andrews’ signal is shone high into the crisp New England night air.  The doctor flies in on a Robert-Griffin-III-ACL-funded private jet and rushes to Brady’s bedside.   He rules that Brady is out 6-8 weeks.

Far in the distance, thunder rumbles.  Storm clouds begin to build: the prelude to an orchestral, majestic, savagery promising something just out of sight. . .

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

University of Nebraska scientists announce that they have discovered a 100% side-effect free cure for concussions and their residual damages on the human brain.  They immediately patent the technology and begin mass-producing their concussion-curing ray-guns.  At the same press conference, the scientists announce every football team on the planet will be able to afford the ray guns, which will begin retailing on September 25th for $4.50

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Roger Goodell attempts to haggle the pricing of the guns down to $3.00.  After unsuccessfully attempting to claim that the guns are too great an expense for the league, Goodell begrudgingly buys the ray-guns at cost.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Baltimore plays at Buffalo.  Desperate for an attendance boost, the Bills agree to have their struggling starting quarterback EJ Manuel go over Niagara Falls in a barrel if the team loses.  The Bills lose by 21.  Manuel survives the post-game barrel incident and, after a few ray-gun concussion cures, he goes back to being mediocre at his job.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Johnny Manziel “accidentally” leaks a sex tape of him and Amanda Bynes because: what else is there left for him to do?  ESPN runs the sex tape in its entirety on a new special called ESPN Presents: Dirty for Dirty.  Moments later Mark May’s head explodes like a Gallagher’d watermelon.

Bynes

Saturday October 5, 2013

Nebraska defeats Illinois to move to 5-0 and number 9 in the AP and Coaches Poll.  After another stellar day, Taylor Martinez is now being talked about as a legitimate contender for the Heisman Trophy.

Alabama suffers a shocking loss, losing to lowly Georgia State 10-3.  In the post-game melee, Nick Saban shanks A.J. McCarron with a clipboard he has meticulously been sharpening while watching replays of the Texas A&M game on loop mode.  The cameras don’t catch the incident and McCarron is carted off the in serious, but not life-threatening condition.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Patriots lose their second game behind quarterback Ryan Mallett’s 22.9 QB rating.  A small tremor ripples from somewhere deep in the earth, a strange quiet befalls Gillette Stadium as the Patriots walk off.  Just at the edges of sight, a ripple shifts through the darkening thunderheads above. . .

Thursday, October 10, 2013

After his entire starting offense is arrested for attempting an Ocean’s 11 style heist, marking the team’s 31st-42nd arrests on the year, Ohio State coach Urban Meyer announces he’ll be taking night classes at Ohio State in order to get his law degree so he can better connect with his players.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

With the franchise in turmoil, the skies darkened with crackling, snake-tongued lightning and viscous, thick-spread thunder the Patriots’ game against the New Orleans Saints is delayed.  Tim Tebow jogs shirtlessly onto the field.  Fox’s news cameras catch sight of the hulking quarterback as he heads directly for the 50-yard-line.  The wind begins Banshee-like shrieking, howling across the windswept plains of Joe Buck’s forehead as Tebow hits his signature pose in the middle of the field.

Troy Aikman becomes so incensed that he almost uses inflection in his voice.

A singular bolt of white lightning comes shimmering down from on high and explodes onto the field right where Tebow is standing.  The light is so blinding that anyone who stared directly at it went blind immediately.  HDTVs around the nation burned out do to the massive power surge as their 1080-Ps trying to compensate for the light.

The rain suddenly stops.  The clouds part.  A soft, gentle beam of light caresses the field.  From the smoke and ash and heat, Tim Tebow emerges like a virgin-phoenix.  The field is miraculously unharmed.  Tebow will start for the New England Patriots.

Later that day, the Patriots win 44-12 behind Tebow’s improved mechanics and unquantifiable leadership.  The media, long poised at the starting line in a crouched position, hear the starter’s pistol and take off.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

A scientific study performed during the Nebraska-Purdue game reveals that a Bo-Pelini-Ref-Rant generates enough heat to steam-power an entire city of 30,000 people for two years.  However, due to exactly zero volunteer referees to further test this potentially limitless renewable resource, continued research is postponed.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Full-time referee and aspiring stand-up comedian, Eric Sheldon, gets fired by the NCAA after penalizing Notre Dame for “12 men on the field.  Actually, more like 11 men and a completely made up girlfriend.  Am I right?  Am I right?!?!”

Sunday, October 20, 2013

After being sacked for the 4th time in two quarters, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, glowers at his left tackle so hard that he suffers a sever right eyebrow strain.  Shortly thereafter, Anthony Davis sues cutler for unibrow infringement.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Riley Cooper is again recorded making racist remarks.  However, when the tape airs and everyone realizes that he’s only discussing playing the Redskins, everyone goes back to not caring.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Alabama loses to Tennessee 21-16.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Alabama’s starter-due-to-shanking stumbles into the emergency room of Tuscaloosa general.  Shouting, “Roll Tide” as he collapses to the floor, it quickly becomes apparent that he’s been injured in the same manner as A.J. McCarron.  This time, however there is footage of a stern man with a whistle around his neck using a crude clipboard-shank to repeatedly stab the player.  A warrant is issued for Nick Saban’s arrest.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

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Comments
  1. d says:

    “Narrated by Lou Holtz”

    hahahahahahha

  2. […] (*Author’s note: this is the second half of a post outlining what my fantasy season of football would look like.  This isn’t PPR or nerd-nerd-nerd, this is truly just a fantastical, wild, dream of what one man’s greatest-season-ever would entail.  Here’s the link to part I.) […]

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