Jadeveon Clowney: “I Got 99 Problems But Impermissable Benefits Ain’t One”

Posted: July 26, 2013 in Fake Headlines
Tags: , , , , , ,

The University of South Carolina and their star defensive end, Jadeveon Clowney, have come out with a strong denial of any wrongdoing on the part of their All-Everything player, amidst recent allegations that Clowney was improperly contacted by rapper-turned-agent Jay-Z.

“I’ve got that Emmert control on the sanctions patrol, and folks who wanna make sure my eligibility close.  ESPN Critics that say that I’m about illegal hits, I’m a defensive lineman, man you think I give two shits?  Got beef with NCAA regulations, I’m about to go pro.  They don’t like my swag, I don’t give a shit, so!  I’ll be first overall, unless you guys blow this for me son.  I got 99 problems but impermisssable benefits ain’t one.”  Said Clowney through a statement issued by a university representative earlier this week.

South Carolina

To further make it clear that he hadn’t been spending an undue amount of time with Jay-Z, Clowney had this to say.

“The year’s 2013 and my nerves are raw, in front of my eyes I see Johnny Football.  I got two choices, ya’ll, pull out to the sidelines or bounce on the double hit through a hospital door.  Now I ain’t passed English 102, but I know a lil stuff, enough that Emmert and his boys won’t treat me rough.”

We’ll see how smart he is when the investigators come.  For now he’s got 99 problems, but impermissable benefits ain’t one.

We here at Burnpoetry were able to obtain the exclusive first draft of the above-picture pseudo-press release.  Below is a copy of it.  It appears to be straight from the desk of the Old Ball Coach himself, Steve Spurrier and you can see that much of the original content was edited out when it was re-written and sent to the general public.



  1. madhat says:

    Hey, Sorry I missed your 3rd Anniversary. It was almost “impermissible” of me! Congrats, BP.
    And was Matt really on campus? Where have I been hiding? Plus – loved the One Year Lessons!!!
    You’re a great dad and I love your writings.

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