Bear the Police Dog Breaks His Shock-Collar-Induced Silence About the Antonio Morrison Incident

Posted: July 24, 2013 in Fake Headlines
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

On July 20th, 2013 University of Florida linebacker Will Morrison was arrested for barking at a police dog in the back of a cruiser.  While this story has gone viral on the internet and hit the 24-hour radio talk show circuit with all the coverage of an NCAA title, the police dog, Bear, has remained silent.

Is this because he’s got something to hide?  Is he currently holed up with a PR team and a crisis management team?  Or is it because if he does he’ll end up getting zapped by a black box that’s firmly affixed to his throat?  I was determined to find out.

What was the real story of what happened that fateful night?  In a 2-creature encounter, we’ve only really gotten half the story.

Fortunately Bear was willing to break his silence and sit, stay, and roll over with us for a brief interview.

Burnpoetry:  Thanks for sitting down to talk with me, Bear.  I know this probably isn’t easy for you.

Bear: Bark.  Barkbarkbarkbarkbark.  Bark-bark-bark-bark.

Burnpoetry: I see.  Well I appreciate it.  So tell me, in your own words, what happened that night in Gainesville?

Bear: Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark bark bark.  Bark.  Bark.  Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark.  Woof.  Woof.

Burnpoetry:  Some understandable emotions, Bear.  Truly.  Is there anything that you’d like to say to Antonio tonight?  Anything you feel he should know?

Bear:  Bark?  Barkbarkbark?  Barkbarkbarkbarkbark?  Bark.

Burnpoetry:  Well said, Bear.  Thoughtful.  Concise; hard-hitting.  Thank you for sitting with us.  You no longer need to “stay.”  Good luck in the future.

FIN

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Comments
  1. […] That’s right.  Suck on that, every other weird sports year.  And we’re still in July.  Antonio Morrison got so drunk that he decided to star in an impromptu reading of his newest script: Dr. Doolittle 3: Doolittle Harder.  After the incident, I was able to secure interview rights with the police dog, Bear, and it was a hard-hitting, revelatory piece of journalism. […]

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