It’s that time of year again, sports fanatics.  The time of year when there’s so little actually going on in the sporting world that all we can do is constantly rehash things that already happened.  With WNBA “highlights” and a merciful pause in baseball for the All-Star break this is the time of year that bears a good deal of reflection.  This year’s Hatchspys promises to be a star-studded affair and, while I don’t have a red carpet for anyone to walk, I did lay down a silky smooth layer of hate for the sports stars to enjoy.

In case you’re interested, here are the links to the previous 3 years of Hatchspys.  2010.  2011.  2012.

Without further ado, Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, I present to you: the 2013 Hatchspys.

The Biggest Draft Lottery Dumpster Fire:

Cleveland Cavaliers and Dan Gilbert’s Posse

Dan Gilbert and his posse of Cleveland-ites (*Author’s note: Clevelanders?  Clevelandians?) pretty much stole the show during the NBA Draft Lottery selection show.  This televised event, in which the worst teams in the NBA wait around to see which pick they get in the draft, is usually full of awkward silences and strange team-related cameos, but the contingent from the Mistake by the Lake took things to a whole ‘nother level this year.

Never before has one group of dudes been so crunk about being one of the bottom-feeders in the league.  Never before has a team dressed in matching bow-tie douchery, brought along an MTVU-Award winning rapper named after a guy portrayed by Charlie Bronson in a terrible movie, and frat-bro-ed their way through the proceedings as vigorously as the Gilbert Posse.  Can we please make sure that next year Dan Gilbert only gets a “Plus one” instead of a “plus forty-seven”?

(*Author’s note: you should’ve brought Bizzy Bone with you, anyway, Gilbert.)

Most Nervously, Suspiciously Good Performance:

(Tie) Adrian Peterson and Chris Davis’ first half the season

DavisAP

 

(*Author’s note: The picture involving Davis above has literally nothing to do with this award.  But, c’mon son!, it’s a picture of him holding a chimp.  For no discernible reason!  I couldn’t resist.)

We live in an era, now, where too much sporting success makes us nervous.  We’ve been burned before, you see, with the whole “this guy probably just works out way more and is totally a freak of nature and that’s why he’s performing so insanely this year” thing.  We’ve watched baseball players come out of nowhere to suddenly appear to be Babe Ruth re-incarnated.  And we’ve watched football players make miraculous improvements (*Author’s note: or in Adrian Peterson’s case, comebacks) where they appear to have suddenly found just that exact right blend of whey protein and windsprints.  And those guys usually end up in front of congress or on the front pages of the paper for reasons we don’t want to mention.

So when Chris Davis miraculously jacks 37 home runs in the first half of the MLB season and when Adrian Peterson comes back from an exploded ACL after only 8 months of rehab to have the second best rushing season in NFL history?  It kind of makes us antsy.  It kind of gives me a Barton’s Vodka bender with no teeth-brushing kind of taste in my mouth.  Not that this can’t be happening without drugs.  But it sucks that that’s the first thing that leaps into my mind.

This award is making me nervous.  (*Author’s note: Also, when Kobe makes an absurdly miraculous comeback from his Achilles tear, I’ll get that exact same feeling.)

Best Open-Field Scramble:

Rex Ryan, Running with the bulls.

Yes, Rex has been in the news for all the wrong reasons before.  Weird, foot fetish stuff.  Even weirder tat-jobs.  But this might be his crowning achievement.  In the above footage you can just see the portly, graying, coach as he manages to climb the Pamplona fence to safety with Butt-Fumbling efficiency.  And Jets fans, don’t tell me a few of you weren’t hoping he didn’t make the fence.

Worst Dressed:

Dwyane Wade

I know what you’re thinking here, the Reader.  “But, Chris, you’re a completely unfashionable dude.  What do you know about fashion?”  To which I would respond “You’re damn right I’m unfashionable.  Have you seen what’s ‘cool” right now?!?!?!  Dwyane Wade is consistently discussed by his peers as one of the best dressed men in the NBA.  But let’s take a quick look at these pictures of him entering the stadiums for the NBA finals, shall we?

(*Author’s note: from left to right)

In the first picture we have Dwyane sporting the latest in Traffic Cone Couture.  He’s neon.  He’s vaguely pumpkin-ish.  His sweater vest reminds me of what a middle school librarian would wear if he went hunting and he’s got his man-purse firmly in tow.

In picture two, you can see that he’s wearing the latest from famed fashion designer Jake “The Snake” Plissken (*Author’s note: pictured below)

In picture 3 he looks like a professional cellist that has heard of an impending doomsday flood and has dressed accordingly, sporting high water pants and shoes with lethal spikes that would make Lady Gaga proud.  Also, note the man-purse.

And, finally, in picture four he looks a little more like a fashionable dude.  At least as far as this highly unfashionable dude can tell.

Most Insane Weather at a Game:

USA’s 1-0 Win Over Puerto Rico on March 22, 2013

Played in Colorado, this soccer game was one of the wildest, most outrageously weather-altered game I’ve seen in a very long time.  It was like El Nino had spent the last few years taking HGH and working out like he was an extra in Pain and Gain and then he decided to make a grand, WWE-style entrance back into the sporting world.

Most Fun Team to Watch:

Golden State Warriors

For a long time I’ve considered the Golden State Warriors to be the Michael Bay movie of the NBA.  Flashy.  Fast-paced.  Exciting.  But without much substance and when it came time for them to be taken seriously?  They weren’t.  This year they somehow melded those fun, flashy, fascinating pieces into a decent playoff run that saw them take the San Antonio Spurs (*Author’s note: the Ang Lee film of the NBA?) to the brink of elimination before they unceremoniously were defeated and left to look to the future.  A future that appears to be very bright indeed, with the addition of Andre Iguodala this offseason.

Best Hair:

Andrew Bynum

Worst Hair:

Andrew Bynum

Yes, you can simultaneously win both of these awards.  Yes he looks like a 7 foot tall Frederick Douglass mixed with a 7 foot tall Don King.

Fredrew Bynass?Dondrew Kingnum?

And OF COURSE he ended up in Cleveland even though he hasn’t played in a year, won’t work out for teams, and has the most controversial knees since Monica Lewinsky.  But now he’ll get to kick it with The Gilbert Posse and Machine Gun Kelly!  Perfect!

FIN

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