“Hey, it could be worse.” – Every Arrested NFL Player Who Isn’t Facing Homicide Charges

Posted: July 15, 2013 in Fake Headlines
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

“Hey, it could be worse.”  Said every NFL player for the next five years not being charged with homicide in a statement issued early Monday morning.  Using their new slogan as a rallying cry, the chorus of criminals stood up as one to make their voices heard.

“Just when we thought the whole ‘Rae Carruth’ excuse had finally run its course, Aaron Hernandez steps in and takes the bullet for all of us.  Err. . .well, you get the point.”

Every arrested player who isn’t facing homicide charges continued to describe how this recent turn of events, while tragic and deplorable, basically gave them a trump card to slap on the table like they’d just gotten a royal flush on the river in the World Series of Poker.

Trumpcard

“While in no way do we endorse what Mr. Hernandez did, it makes our criminal activities seem far less consequential.  Since the majority of our criminal acts are barely felonies, it makes it much easier for us to sit down with management, discuss the best way for us to sweep these activities under the rug, and move on to our inevitable stint playing for the Cincinnati Bengals.”

“So when you hear that we’ve gotten our 11th DUI, or owe more in child support than the GDP of Belize.  When you find out we’ve attempted to take an assault rifle full of cocaine on board a commercial airliner or when we headbutt a pregnant police officer at a daycare center, just remember: it could be worse.”

FIN

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