7 Questions about the NBA Finals

Posted: June 6, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1.  Does Dwyane Wade have enough left in the tank to avoid being the fall gyu?

(*Author’s note: sorry about the forced typo.  I can’t resist.)

Dwyane Wade looked gassed.  He looked shot.  Pick your cliché.  He was pretty much any of them for the Heat’s Indiana Pacers series.  He was ineffective at getting to the rim, a shadow of his former self– as a havoc-wreaking jack of all trades — on the defensive side of the ball and pretty much morphed from one of the best players in the game to that dirty old-guy at the YMCA who always manages to sneak an elbow into your junk when no one’s looking and then gets offended when you try to call him out on it.

In game 7 he more or less rose to the occasion, however.  He attacked the rim, rebounded, and ended up with 21 points, 9 rebounds, and hit all 7 of his free throws.

However, he was so bad in games 5 and 6 that LeBron made reference to “Going back to his Cleveland days.”  With the well-rested San Antonio Spurs waiting for the Heat, Wade will play an integral role.  Will he be more Game-7 D-Wade or will he be more Larry Hughes in 2007?  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  Speaking of Heat players who had an atrocious series against the Pacers

 2.  Is the Veboshiraptor in danger of becoming endangered?

Bosh shot 8-34 in the last 4 games of the Indiana series, with a lot of them coming on open looks intended to draw the Pacers’ bigs from out under the basket.  They didn’t bite, due in large part to the fact that Bosh kept chucking out more bricks than the Department of Roads in 1895, and he was rendered nearly useless.  As a rebounder, Bosh has been sub-par since he got to Miami and people have argued that crashing the boards “isn’t his game.”  He needs to hurry the H up and make it his game, however, or it will only be a matter of time before Pat Reilly is shouting “Shoot her!  SHOOT her!

3.  Will Tim Duncan continue to look like he was doing keg stands on the fountain of youth?

Duncan has credited much of his incredible 2012-13 campaign to a renewed interest in yoga.  I’m pretty sure that he’s been visiting some anti-aging clinic of his own (*Author’s note: eat your heart out, every baseball player ever.).  One that’s buried deep within a mountain layer, guarded by an aging knight and is coveted by Nazi Germany.  Seriously.  Tim Duncan has looked exactly the same since he first came fundamental-ing onto the court his rookie year.  Here’s a Tim Duncan rookie card, next to a picture of him today.

Except for a mini-Rick Ross beard, he hasn’t changed one iota.  Has he been sleeping in a cryogenic freezer every night?  Bathing in the blood of virgins?  How does he look exactly the same?  And on the flip side. . .

4.  Will Gregg Popovich continue to look like he drank from the wrong “holy grail”?

The flip side to the Tim Duncan, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade reference is Gregg Popovich.  Pop looks like he accidentally ingested the water from the fake holy grail and stopped disintegrating halfway through.

Here’s a Gregg Popovich rookie card, next to a picture of him today.

Just kidding.  But, damn, Pop.  You might be the best coach in the NBA, but stay away from the HD cameras.  (*Author’s note: a little harsh?  Perhaps.  But I can’t resist the urge to make my 1,345,198th Indiana Jones reference.)

5.  Will LeBron give another rousing pep talk to his team?

Much was made about LeBron’s blurred out, fiery pep talk on the sidelines during the Eastern Conference Finals.

This GIF just leaves more questions for me than answers.

What was he saying? Why is Juwan Howard looming creepily over his shoulder like a really subdued hype-man?  Why does The Birdman look like he’s chewing on human flesh over LeBron’s other shoulder?  Shouldn’t LeBron just be yelling at Mario Chalmers (*Author’s note: his favorite pasttime other than destryoing everyone on the basketball court)?

As for the speech itself, I have a few ideas of what may have been said.  Here they are:

–  “. . .and I don’t care if she is in the locker room.  Nobody.  Mother****ing nobody is to talk to my mother.  No Delonte 2.0.  Do you hear me?!?!”

–  “Why have you only flopped F***ing 29 times in this mother****ing series, Shane?  Huh?  You drew f****ing 29 charges per quarter at Duke.  Step your game up!!!!!”

–  “After Earth was terrible!  I don’t give a s*** if that f***ing M. Night Shamalamadingdong 6th Sense b**** directed it.  Why was the Fresh Prince in a f***ing wheelchair the whole time!?!?!?”

–  “Who took my man-purse out the f****ing locker room?  Was it you Dwyane?  I know you’re jealous of my Christian Dior clutch.  Just f***ing admit it!?!?!  And who spells Dwyane like that?  WHO!?!?!?”

6.  How big of an impact will Tony Parker have?

During the Western Conference Finals (*Author’s note: which happened so long ago, now, that I feel like we are reading the recaps in hieroglyphics) Parker averaged a hot 24.5 PPG and dominated the series.  Even after Eva Longoria took her half, he was still averaging 12.25 points which is more than Mario Chalmers averaged in the Eastern Conference Finals.  He’s been a finals MVP and consistently rises to the occasion, but it will be fascinating to watch him play against that aggressive, trapping Miami defense.  Will he flop all over the court in an obnoxious effort to draw fouls on Mario Chalmers?  Probably.  Has he done that before?  Just check out his rap album cover and you tell me.

File:Tony Parker album poster.jpg

and speaking of flopping. . .

7.  Which team will flop more?

This question is a log like asking, “what’s the size of the universe? ”  Or, “are there more stars in our galaxy or in the Andromeda galaxy?”  Stephen Hawking couldn’t answer this with a high-powered computer and the ghost of Einstein running the numbers for him.  There will be flops on flops on flops on flops.  LeBron will act like he just got sniper-shot from the balcony and will go collapsing in a pile of grimacing agony onto the floor.  Tim Duncan will howl like a wolf with its foot caught in a bear trap that knows the end is near.  Neither of them will actually be fouled.

Get your slow-mo replays and your justifiable-homicide-rages ready.  There’s about to be an ass-load of floppage.

I’ll let Paul George take over from here, with a message to both teams.


  1. d says:

    Hahaha you got me with the Popovich before/after.

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