Doctors’ Attempt to Surgically Implant Dignity Into Rob Gronkowski Fails

Posted: May 31, 2013 in Fake Headlines, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Doctors from Johns Hopkins University are reporting that their recent attempt to surgically implant Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski with dignity has failed.  After the hard-partying player, known as “Gronk” to many of his fans, went under the knife for the fourth time this offseason for a physical ailment, Doctor’s decided to attempt the risky surgery in conjunction with his latest procedure.

“It was under the direction of Mr. Kraft and Mr. Belichick, and of course with Mr. Gronkowski’s express permission that we decided to proceed with this surgery.”  The famed medical hospital said in their recent press release that divulged details of the procedure.

An exclusive of Gronkowski’s Medical Release Form

The report continued.  “While Mr. Gronkowski has the abs of a washboard and bigger guns than the NRA, he simply doesn’t have the capacity for dignity that we had hoped was buried somewhere inside his protein-shake addled mind.”

The release went on to state that Mr. Gronkowski awoke from his surgery and, briefly, showed signs of recovery.

“In the early stages of his re-awakening, Mr. Gronkowski asked us how we were doing.  He smiled and made polite small talk with both Mr. Belichick and Mr. Kraft.  He offered to take us to a Shakespeare festival and even held the door for the surgeon on his way out.  A few minutes later, however, he started blinking his eyes rapidly, ripped off his shirt like Hulk Hogan and could be heard shouting, ‘Me Gronk.  Me want nightclub.  Now!'”

When reached for comment on this developing story and the possibility of surgically implanting dignity, noted sports physician, Dr. James Andrews said, “What?!?!  Are you high?”

This is the second time such a procedure has been attempted, with the first attempt being used on noted golfer, Tiger Woods.  While the results have been mixed with Mr. Woods, it is safe to say that Gronk will continue to be Gronk.  Will he be back to his previous, gallivanting, goonish behavior?  It’s on like Gronky Kong.

FIN

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