Burnpoetry Presents: The ONBAA (The Other NBA Awards), Regular Season Edition

Posted: April 18, 2013 in Miscellaneous
Tags: , , , , , , ,

The NBA Regular season is over.  After running for nearly 7 months and 82 games, the 2012-2013 season has finally ceased to exist.  But, damn, what a year!  We had historic winning streaks, coaches getting axed like they were shouting “Freeeeeedoooooom!” at the end of Braveheart, and a wide swath of Hall of Fame talent that has continued to impress with athleticism and skill that was missing in the mid-2000s.

If you’re an NBA fan, you probably already knew all that.  If you’re not an NBA fan, you probably didn’t care about all that.  The bottom line is this: one of the most exciting regular seasons in recent memory just came to an explosive conclusion and the NBA Playoffs are about to start.  But before we look ahead to the glorious, beautiful stretch of non-stop NBA hooping action, let’s recap the season that was by handing out some end-of-the-year awards.

Let me be clear, however, that this won’t be the awards you’re used to.  These are more off the beaten path.  Since every news outlet with a keyboard is currently cranking out columns with their take on who should get MVP and the 6th man of the year, I’ve decided to try to break out and (*Author’s note: even though it’s illegal in the sport) take the path less traveled on.

Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, here are your Other NBA Awards:

Best Ejection:  Larry Sanders, Milwaukee Bucks

Sanders had this one on lock from the moment he started firing his thumbs around in mock approval of the job the referees were doing.  Sanders had just gotten tossed for arguing a charging call in a March 13th game against the Washington Wizards.  You probably missed the game, because everyone missed the game, because it was a Wizards game.  Sanders wins this award strictly based on the fact that this was the first time I’ve seen someone sarcastically chuck up a thumb to a ref in game.  (*Author’s note: Sanders ended up getting ejected more than pilots in a Top Gun remake this year, but this is by far his single greatest effort.)

Best Potential Sale of a Franchise: Sacramento Kings to Investors from Seattle, Washington

Kings? Sonics? Either way, this would be awesome.

Kings? Sonics? Either way, this would be awesome.

I’ve detailed my lost-love with the Seattle Supersonics in a breathless post from earlier this year, when the news first broke that the Maloof brothers had finally found a way to cash out their hand and get the team out of Sacramento.  It hasn’t happened yet.  It might not happen, according to various sources.  The situation is so fluid that tomorrow I could be purchasing a Shawn Kemp throwback and the next I might be checking into some Vlade Divac gear.

The Maloof brothers appear to have been inducted into the Brett Favre Decisiveness Hall of Fame and seem most likely to emerge from this so baldly scathed that their only chance at rehabilitating their public image is to pull a couple cameos with their sister on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  This needs to happen.  For too many reasons to count.  But just picture this, basketball fans: DeMarcus “Boogie” Cousins in a state with legalized marijuana. . .

Dunk of the Year:  DeAndre Jordan, Los Angeles Clippers

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTkN2q6sUUk&feature=youtube_gdata_player]

DeAndre Jordan obliterates Brandon Knight.  He dunks on him so hard that he turns him into Brandon Squire.  He catches the alley-oop, smashes through Knight like a wrecking ball through a decrepit, rotten, condemned building.  After the game, the dunk erupted from Mount St. Twitter and the blowback became so violent that many experts took to the net to defend Brandon Knight for trying to stop the dunk instead of just getting out of the way.  You know you got dunked on hard when people are actively taking to the internet in an attempt to defend your honor.  On the plus side?  Blake Griffin will probably serve someone up harder in a short amount of time to take the emphasis away from this one for Brandon Knight.

Commercial of the Year: “Uncle Drew, Chapter 2” starring Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love

Somehow they’ve combined heavy makeup, a ludicrous-but-somehow-captivating storyline, and Bill Russell into the best NBA Player commercials in years.  I have long been obsessed with the first Uncle Drew ad, but this new one, and it’s addition of Kevin Love has only increased my fervor for the next current NBA player to don a wig, some aging makeup, and go out and dunk all over young people in games of amazing streetball.  Long live Uncle Drew.  (*Author’s note: Pepsi Max still sucks, though.)

Weirdly Fascinating Team of the Year: Minnesota Timberwolves

Sure they lost 20 more games than they won this season, but this isn’t an award for being good.  This is an award for being weird.  Captivating.  For making me want to watch for reasons other than the obvious fact that I love the NBA.

They have a young All-Star who can’t stay healthy, a Spanish point guard that couldn’t buy a basket with his hefty Footlocker endorsement deal but is still somehow one of the most fun players to watch in the league, a bevy of honkies and they put out a team video where the beat up someone in a Miami Heat jersey with a baseball bat.  I could write a 1,500 word post on their facial hair/Hanson hair combos alone.  What’s not to love?

The regular season was great, sure.  But strap yourselves in, hoops fans, becuase the NBA Playoffs are right around the corner.  I, for one, can’t wait.


  1. jt says:

    I dig this article. I still think that Dikembe Mutumbo commercial is the best, but I do like the Uncle Drew ads. Nice work.

    • Burnpoetry says:

      Thank you very much. The Mutumbo ads are up there, especially when he rejects the kids’ cereal from the shopping cart. But I’ve been on the Uncle Drew bandwagon since day one.

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