March Madness is Here: Let the Legal Insanity Begin

Posted: March 20, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Barack Obama’s filling out his bracket.  Office pools are pooling.  People everywhere are installing panic buttons on their computers so that when their boss walks by they can hit a special hot key and have it take them directly to a mundane, office-looking graph and away from Picture-in-Picture NCAA awesomeness (*Author’s note: mine takes me to my job’s intranet homepage).  Dickie V. is getting pants-crappingly excited.  If you’re a sports junkie, March Madness is like stumbling onto Tony Montana’s private stash.

Here are some of the less-talked about things that I’m most excited about for this year’s tournament:

1.  Bucknasty Nell

Bucknell is an 11-seed in the East Region and has actually gotten some love from pundits lately as a potential sleeper team.  I didn’t pick them past the first round, but that’s not why I’m excited about them, anyway.  Any chance I get where I can make a cheap, poorly-thought-out reference to Buck Nasty, you’d better believe I’m going to carpe the hell out of that diem.  Who is Buck Nasty?  Only the funniest thing the Murphy family has done since the ’80s.  Here’s a snippet of why I’m so excited to have Bucknasty Nell back in the tourney:

Go to 10 seconds in and there he is in all his purple-pimp-suited glory.

Buck Nasty was a member of one of the singular greatest sketch comedy moments in history, “The Playa Hater’s Ball” and he will forever go down as one of my favorite characters from my all-time favorite show.  That’s why I’m so crunk I get to repeatedly reference Bucknasty Nell.  Even if no one else knows — or cares — about it.

2.  Watching All the Highly Paid Analysts’ Picks Devolve Into Dumpster Fires

Imagine you’re a highly paid “expert.”  Your job is to analyze a highly volatile, fluid, rapidly-changing phenomenon and you have to do it in front of millions of people.  Predicting the NCAA tournament is such an out-and-out crapshoot that I enjoy every year watching analysts of all shapes and sizes step up to the plate, take a giant cut, and whiff so hard that they wrench their backs.

I’m certainly no better at predicting the outcome of March Madness than anyone else.  I usually have a good first day (*Author’s note: or hour) and then my brackets turn into a post-explosion meth lab.  But I will always enjoy watching the obnoxiously boring college basketball analysts stodgily attempting to defend why they took a team to the final four that got booted in the first round.  (*Author’s note: I only included the following bracket to show how indescribably boring the “Bracketology” shows are.  Check out Jay Bilas’ really wild and crazy upset picks last year.  Dude went out on a limb.)

Wow, Bilas really went out on a limb last year.

(*Author’s note: Nate Silver did, however,  come out with statistics-based grouping of percentages to try to predict which teams had the best teams win.  And, as we all know, Nate Silver is a witch.  So watch out for that.)

3.  Fake Brackets

In our internety/memey world, everyone’s a comedian.  It’s what I love and hate about Twitter and blogs and Facebook.  (*Author’s note: but mostly love)  I’m certainly no better, and definitely no funnier, so here’s my own, home-brewed example of a fake bracket:

Here's to hoping LeBron doesn't sue me.

Here’s to hoping LeBron doesn’t sue me.

4.  Chuck Barkley & Co.

My love for Charles Barkley is well-documented.  He’s the most refreshingly honest, hilarious voice in the sports world today (*Author’s note: not named Bill Simmons).  He won’t hesitate to critique where others would tip-toe or toe the line.  Barkley, as Buck Nasty’s creator Charlie Murphy would say, is a “habitual line-stepper.”  And it’s great.

Does he mangle players’ names?  Absolutely.  Does he mangle the English language?  Completely.  Does any of that get in the way of my enjoyment of his incite and gleeful basketball-related shenanigans?  Hell no.

And this is not to denigrate Barkley’s co-conspirators on the show.  Kenny “the Jet” Smith and Ernie Johnson are both in my top five basketball analysts in the game today (*Author’s note: with the aforementioned Simmons and Mike Wilbon rounding out my list.)  and the whole crew of analysts employed by TNT are easily the most enjoyable group to watch in any of the major sports.  Not even Shaq’s attention-starved bungling can drag down the rest of the crew.

Watching basketball with the TNT crew is like watching a game with a bunch of your boys.  There’s teasing, taunting and even some hard-hitting analysis.  I’m glad that they’ve brought on the best crew in basketball to showcase the best part of collegiate hoops once again.

5.  The Game-Within-a-Game on Thursday and Friday

Everyone knows the tourney will be here.  The companies are gearing up to try to boost company productivity.  The workers are hacking their way through the dense underbrush of corporate security settings. We’ll be using wireless internet, 3G connections, ear buds, panic buttons.  Watching the games live on Thursday and Friday have turned into a form of diabolical espionage.

There’s more twists and turns and near-misses between offices and their supervisors than a dog fight in Top Gun.  I for one, have equipped myself to the best of my ability and will be trying to find back door entries to any of the websites showing live feeds of the games.  Worst case scenario I will gladly cubicle-dodge.  In fact, this could be me on Thursday at the office:

Regardless of what you’re looking forward to, keep your earbuds close, your brackets closer, and one eye furtively on the cubicle entrance for anyone looking important.  It’s madness, son!

FIN

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