Ode to a Throat-Tat: Why DeShawn Stevenson’s Tat Game is Still the Best in the NBA

Posted: March 14, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

This isn’t the first time I’ve been mesmerized by DeShawn Stevenson’s Abe Lincoln Neck-Tat.  Oh, no.  I’ve long been a fan of the most presidential, most assassinated neck-tat in the NBA.  So what, to my wondering eyes should appear during last night’s NBATV broadcast of the Miami Heat but my all-time favorite NBA Tat!  Why, it was none other than DeShawn’s Adam’s Apple tribute to the 16th president of the U.S.  Here, in all its pixelated messiness was my attempt to freeze a moment in time and present you with the majesty of the throat-tat tapestry that is DeShawn.

Four score and seven throats ago. . .

Four score and seven throats ago. . .

So why Abe Lincoln?  And why the throat?  Here are some theories.

–  Wait a minute, that’s not a tat of Abe Lincoln, he’s actually just a really big fan of Daniel Day Lewis.  Maybe it was his super down to earth acceptance speech.  Or maybe Day-Lewis cobbled some shoes for him at some point?  (*Author’s note: I know this timeline doesn’t match up and he’s had the throat tat for years, but I couldn’t resist this stupid tirade.)  At least, if the throat-tat is indeed supposed to be a likeness of Day-Lewis, he didn’t use a picture of DDL looking like a young Fidel Castro going to a Valentine’s Day party.  In a related note, DeShawn, I’ve got another idea for your next tat!

–  DeShawn clearly has vampire trouble.  Who better to scare off the bloodsucking undead than the Vampire Slayer, himself?  As the Wu Tang Clan once said in their song about Edward Cullen, “Protect Ya Neck.”

Suck it, Cullen.

Suck it, Cullen.

–  He recognized Lincoln as the father of NBA fashion and felt that he needed to be given his just due.  Although you can’t tell, due to the black and white pictures, most of Abe’s undershirts were definitely pink.

Black and white?  More like Salmon and yellow, son.

“Black and white? More like Salmon and yellow, son.” – Abe Lincoln, 1846

–  And here we’ve reached our first problem.  Everytime DeShawn does a throat-slashing maneuver after canning a long rage 3, is he being un-American?  He’s re-assassinating one of our nation’s most beloved presidents in front of our very eyes!  Don’t do it, DeShawn.  Don’t do it.

–  Every time he gets locked up on defense, can we start saying he got Wilkes-Boothed?

–  It’s not really a surprise that he’s a first-team all Neck Tat selection.  Joining him on the roster?  These guys:

(*Author’s note: That’s J.R. Smith’s throat.  And, yes, it says “Swish” on it.  I guess, “Ill-Advised Fadeaway Three” was too long to get?)

And joining him as co-Captain of the team: Wilson Chandler

–  He was probably just paying homage to his all-time favorite tort-reform champion.  Big ups, tort reformers!  (*Author’s note: bigger ups, Google, for helping me figure out what a tort-reformer was.)

–  You really want your mind to be blown?  Check out this super-rare, old photograph of a beardless Abe Lincoln, with his shirt collar opened up a little farther than normal.

Looks Abe might have also been a pioneer in neck-tatting.

Looks Abe might have also been a pioneer in neck-tatting.

FIN

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s