Nebraska Football Recruiting Strategies for a New Era

Posted: February 13, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

On August 1st  the NCAA is going to loosen up the reins.  They’re going to stop poring over phone records like a divorce-court attorney trying to prove an illicit affair.  They’re going to stop restricting texts and tweets, and Facebook messaging.  They’re going to, kind of, throw their money-stained hands into the air and just say, “We give up.”

On August 1st  the NCAA is going to deregulate the amount of calls/texts a coach can make to an prospective football recruit.  Even though there are still some formalities to be dealt with (*Author’s note: red tape at the NCAA?  No way, right?!?!) and some finalities to be finalized, it looks like this next season is going to be open season on football recruiting.

Some coaches have come out as vocal proponents of this new ideology and others, like Nebraska head coach, Bo Pelini, have been vocally opposed.  But there’s little they can do now, one way or another.  The train’s a’coming.  And there’s no Denzel of Captain Kirk 2.0 (*Author’s note: Chris Pine) to pull a dramatic, train-from-behind victory over momentum, either.  We can either get on or get obliterated like so many movie-cars that inexplicably run out of gas right on the middle of the tracks.

So what can Bo Pelini and Co. do to keep up with Ohio State, Michigan, and the Big Bad SEC in the hunt for recruits?  More specifically, how can Bo and his staff utilize the new anti-restrictions to land some gigantic recruits next year?  I’ve come up with a few things to get us atop those coveted recruiting rankings, as well as a list of pros and cons.

1.  Hire a crack-team of 13-year-old girls to do your texting. 

Pros:  You know they’ll be cheap.  Hell, they’ll work for caramel apple suckers, Twilight books, and friendship bracelets matching the ones worn by Rex Burkhead during his attempted NFL career.  You know they’ll be efficient.  Tweenage girls are the undisputed, heavyweight champions of texting.  They can crank out characters faster than Matt Groening and his staff while dropping acid and playing Pictionary.  If you want to carpet-bomb-text recruits to make sure they don’t forget about your presence?  Let these young girls turn their thumbs into a blitzkrieg of buzzing.  To motivate them, just tell them that they’re, like, so much better at recruiting than Nick Saban.  Like, so much.

Cons: 8 P.M. curfews.  Child labor laws.  Tendonitis/carpal tunnel/very, very necessary slumber parties that cannot be missed even in the heat of a recruiting battle.  Bo Pelini seems like he’d be great at dealing with confused hormonal meltdowns at the office, right?  Right?!?!  A two-week, office-wide pout-marathon (*Author’s note: replete with Kati Perry break-up songs and lots of diary entries) could occur if they found out someone decommitted and went to another school.  You might send something to a recruit that looked like this:

“Sup Jimmy. Been wating 4 u 2 call. U totes said u liked us.  I Obvi LYLAB but my bff4Lyfe Bo sayz u need 2 cmmit now. Not l8r. HMU wen u know. TTYL.”

2.  Hire Ronaiah Tuiasosopo as your director of online recruiting.

Pros:  Ronaiah clearly is amoral, maybe insane, and he’s got tons of experience in picking up big-time football players via the internet.  Once his Dr. Phil money, and the inevitable book deal that wills score him a mound of cash, dies up what else is he going to do?  Hang out with Nev Schulman all day?  Look, Ronaiah didn’t catfish Manti Te’o. . .he Moby Dicked him.  And if he could reel in that guy using a disturbingly pitch-perfect falsetto, a few stolen photos, and a steaming pile of Facebook pokes?  What could he do with the full weight of a multi-million dollar athletic department behind him?  Sure the players could never actually know who was recruiting them or they would for sure freak out.  But, somehow, I don’t think Ronaiah would have an issue with going by a pseudonym.

Cons:  The moment he forgot and accidentally introduced himself as “Lennay Keku—uhm. . .I mean, Bill Smith, director of online recruiting.”  You’d lose a recruit.  It would be almost 1/657as dirty as how Urban Meyer would probably be doing things from Ohio State.  That, in all honesty, might be a little too similar when you really crunch the numbers. Also, there’s a very real chance your program could be featured in a Dr. Phil redemption piece that would irreparably harm your program.

3. Continuing to utilize the Osborne Identity, the Osborne Supremacy, and initiate the Osborne Ultimatum.

Pros:  Allow me to explain.  The Osborne Identity is a secret, government funded initiative that very few outside of the Nebraska football program actually know about.  Basically, and I’ll try to keep this as need-to-know as I can, it all hinges on the fact that Tom Osborne was created in a government lab by genetically altering the human chromosomes in his DNA to make a better coaching machine.  Once implemented Coach Osborne was sent out in his test run to infiltrate a football program and lead them to glory.  Along the way he invented the internet, defeated communism single-handedly and won 3 national championship games.  The Osborne Identity is still in effect, but will began the second phase of the operation during the past few years.

The Osborne Supremacy was the second phase of this super-black ops mission.  While it is still technically ongoing it involved overthrowing a corrupt regime of Athletic Department dictators and following it up with a successful stint shepherding the entire state of Nebraska towards greater socio-economic vitality.  Oh, and also getting less shitty at football, too.  After tiring of his undercover work during his time out of the athletic program (*Author’s note: experts are unsure whether Facebook and Twitter were both his ideas, or whether it was just Facebook that he created during his time working for NASA’s Mars Expeditions during this time) he resumed his role at the helm of Nebraska where he secretly plotted the overthrow of Darth Dodds and his insipid creation, Mack Brown.

Phase three of the operation was called the Osborne Ultimatum.  It will be initiated during this current phase as a part of recruiting.  Bo Pelini will initiate this sequence by mentioning “execution” in an interview a secretly-coded 277 times.  On the 277th time, Osborne will rise from his slumber in the bowels of Memorial Stadium ready to pull in top notch players once more.  Utilizing the knowledge that he gained by creating cell phones with his bare hands, while deposing a dictator in the Middle East, he will explode a revolutionary new tactic upon our consciousness in a move that will revolutionize the communications industry.

Cons:  We might get tired of winning too much?  But probably nothing.  There are no cons to this plan.

4.  Put together a team of Ex-Husker Stars and let them do the bulk of the texting/tweeting/calling.

Pros:  Bo seems to not want to be on his phone constantly.  That’s fine.  But he should get together a squad of former Husker greats and let appoint them to some kind of made up position that allows them to loosely be affiliated with the program. 

Cons: The Cons.  Don’t let Lawrence Phillips or Thunder Collins call anyone.  Something tells me that recruits won’t accept a collect call from “Inmate #276643.”


  1. Inmate #276643 says:

    We may not have access to cell phones but we have email….I will see you in 10-30 years with a possibility of Parole homeboy!!! *Throws up crunk bones*

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