Super Bowl Super Recap: The Sun Sets on Kaepernicus and Ray Lewis Kills It

Posted: February 4, 2013 in Sports
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Deer Ray Lewis,

Man, you killed it out there tonight.  I mean, you really murdered it.  And got away with it.



But enough about my personal thoughts on Ray-Ray’s performance-enhanced performance last night.  How about that Super Bowl 47, huh?!?!  What a game it was.  There were more ups and downs than on a Biggest Loser contestant’s heart rate monitor.  There was passion and drama.  There was Dallas levels of sibling rivalry.  There was Beyonce and. . .those other girls. . .and there was a surging, frenetic comeback attempt that came up just short.

In the end?  The Baltimore Ravens emerged victorious.  They proved to be too multi-faceted for the 49ers.  “The Moment” seemed just a little too big, the mistakes were just a little too costly, and the Ravens had just enough gas left in the tank to hold off the 49ers’ attempt to snatch away a last-minute victory.

So what did I take away from the game?  What were some things I noticed and/or wanted to comment on?

Kaepernican Revolution Ends. . .For Now

Colin Kaepernick was the “it” guy of the playoffs this year.  He performed so phenomenally well in the 49ers’ victory over Green Bay and kept his composure so well in a gigantic comeback effort against the Atlanta Falcons that his age and amount of starts just didn’t feel as significant as maybe it should have.  When the time came for him to perform on the grandest of stages it wasn’t that he did bad by any stretch, accounting for 364 yards and two TDs, but he was quite Kaepernician enough in the early stages to keep the 49ers in the game.

The 49ers outscored Baltimore 25-13 in the second half, but the damage was done.  The 21-6 halftime lead, coupled with two turnovers,  was too much to overcome.  Baltimore hung tough, ground it out, and emerged with a 3 point win.  It was Kaepernick’s 11th NFL start.  Ever.

It was the first time the San Francisco 49ers had lost a Super Bowl.  I get the feeling that, with Kaepernick it won’t be the last time the 49ers are in the Super Bowl.  Long live the revolution!

Joseph Vincent “Elite Dragon” Flacco

Best fake-nickname ever?

Best fake-nickname ever?

That’s all.  I’ll never refer to him by another name now that he’s won a Super Bowl.  The Elite Dragon earned it.  I don’t care of his nickname sounds like a terrible Chuck Norris movie from 1984, that he just beat my favorite team and barely looked like he enjoyed himself, and I don’t care that this nickname is entirely fabricated by someone who was screwing with his Wikipedia page.  I’m going with it.  Forever.

Halftime Show

Beyoncé came out and owned the stage.  She strutted and spun, popped it and dropped it.  While I’m not an enormous Beyoncé fan, it was nice to see the Super Bowl decide to bring in someone under the age of 90 for the performance.  You think you’re capturing the country’s attention, the Super Bowl?  I’ve come up with a quick math equation to demonstrate what happened in the last few years at your shows:

That old lady could really sing, though.

That old lady could really sing, though.

That’s a mathematically proven fact.  One of these is a vibrant, culturally relevant performer who connects with the youth of America.  The other looks like an old, desperate woman, clinging to her youth with white-knuckled fervor.  (*Author’s note: Isn’t it completely bizarre that Mick Jagger now looks exactly the same as an ex-Mick Jagger groupie?  Like, anytime he comes on stage now, I’m not sure if it’s actually Jagger, or if it’s an old flame of his, storming the stage.)

At least it was The Black Eyed Peas or a band that was popular during a time when we could actually decipher the Roman Numerals on the Super Bowls.

Now, the Super Bowl Halftime show might’ve been good.  But it could’ve been better.  How you ask?  Oh, I don’t know. . .maybe if THIS HAD HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, this could/should have happened.

Yes, this could/should have happened.

Yeah, that’s Jay-Z getting ready to spit a fresh verse. . .while wearing a Baby Bjorn containing future-ruler-of-the-world, Blue Ivy Carter.  Now, that would’ve been a halftime show.

Baby When the Lights, Go Out

(*Author’s note: that was a bad boyband song from my youth.  I may or may not have learned how to crappily backwards skate to it.  Judge if you must.)

At the beginning of the third quarter, half of the lights in the Mercedes Benz Super Dome stadium went out.  While Twitter-ers and sports writers stumbled over one another to create a man-made tsunami of puns, the game hit a 30+ minute delay.  What happened?  The while the official story is still unclear I have a theory for exactly what might have gone down. . .


The 49ers sideline is a glum place.  After falling behind 28-6 at the beginning of the third quarter, the team’s chances of victory are slim.  Coach Jim Harbaugh is pacing violently.  Back and forth, back and forth; a caged tiger wearing khakis.  Only one man dares to speak with this simmering cauldron of rage.

Vic Fangio (49ers D-Coordinator, speaking to Harbaugh via headset):  This is bad, Jim.  This is really f-ing bad.  We’ve got to slow them down.  They’re tearing us apart on the deep ball.  I know you wanted to win this one straight up, man, but I think it’s time.

Jim Harbaugh (shouting back into his headset): No way!  There’s too much at stake!  We. . .well we just can’t do that.  I mean, this is my brother we’re playing?

Fangio: You wanna win or not, Jim?  Do it.  It’s time.  There’s a reason we’ve kept him on the sidelines this whole year.  I think it’s time for Operation Django.  Unchain him.  Let him do what he does.  It’s our only hope.

Harbaugh:  Damn it.  I can’t believe I’m about to say this.

He pauses for a moment, a heated mixture of shame, rage, and hope.  He uncaps his marker-necklace and surreptitiously marks an X on the back of his clipboard and holds it high into the bright stadium lights.

Harbaugh (Barely above a whisper):  Unleash the wolf.

Music builds, a hauntingly devious guitar solo silhouetted against the backdrop of building drums.  The crescendo builds as we see a set of strong hands reaching into a bag and pulling out a pair of bolt cutters, gloves, and a sledge-hammer.  The camera slowly pans up.  The music is into a full-on bad-ass frenzy.  The camera pulls back to reveal the determined face of the The Wolf.

It’s this guy:

The Wolf, seen here in last year's NFC championship game.

The Wolf, seen here in last year’s NFC championship game.

The Wolf: It’s about to get a little. . .dark. . .in here.

He puts on the gloves, tests out the bolt cutters and heads for the tunnel.

Harbaugh: May God have mercy on us all.

Five minutes later the stadium lights for half of the building miraculously shut off.  During the ensuing 34 minutes Harbaugh has a chance to gather his troops and they play like a completely different team after The Wolf goes to work, falling just short of winning it all.

And that, Ladies and Gentleman, was the Super Bowl.  See you next year.



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