The Super Bowl is almost here.  Which, for most of America, is pretty much a huge national party.  There will be feasting.  There will be cheering.  And there will be beering.  So what do you need to spice up your Super Bowl party?  How about Burnpoetry’s official Super Bowl XLVII Drinking Game?  Get to a printer, get to the liquor store, and get ready.

Take One Drink:

–  Every time someone makes a devastatingly hilarious “Super-Baugh” reference.

–  Any time someone makes the hysterically witty “Har-Bowl” crack.

–  Any time you hear the words “Sibling Rivalry.”

–  Any time you see a closeup of Ray Lewis sobbing like a tween during an un-asked slow dance at the school formal.
(*Author’s note: bonus drink if he does so while “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith is somehow playing in the background)

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing. . .

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing. . .

–  If you find yourself mesmerized by the freshest, most chic accessory in the game today: Jim Harbaugh’s marker necklace.

–  Anytime CBS mentions Hurricane Katrina.  They will, too.  If history is any indicator of things to come, make sure you have at least 4 beers devoted to this one challenge alone.

–  **CLOSEUP OF CAJUN FOOD ALERT**

–  Anytime CBS cuts to the booth and you realize that Phil Simms and Jim Nantz might be the two whitest dudes in America.  Seriously.  They make Brent Musburger look like B-Rabbit from 8 Mile.

–  When Jennifer Hudson comes out and destroys “God Bless America”, leaving it in a flaming pile of scorched, musically-awesome, rubble.

–  When someone inevitably makes a lip-synching joke during her performance.

–  If someone makes a Weight Watchers joke while she’s singing.
(*Author’s note: if you’re watching the game with me, just take two drinks and get them out of the way.)

–  Someone mentions Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos.

–  Someone brings up the “Is Joe Flacco an Elite Quarterback” topic that, at this point, is more tired than a narcoleptic watching C-Span after chugging Nyquil.

–  **TORREY SMITH”S BROTHER, NAME-DROP ALERT**

Take Two Drinks:

–  When Vernon Davis makes a catch and someone joyously shouts out “VD!” thereby becoming the first person to ever shout that out with glee.

–  If the announcers mention Joe Flacco’s height.

–  When the announcers show that Joe Flacco has been killing it this postseason, compare his stats to some of the all-time great post-season runs, and he comes out on top.

–  When the announcers mention how he beat both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.  On the road.

–  When you realize that you’re still not really convinced that you’d want Flacco on your team over any of the other QB’s he’s beaten this year.  Welcome to Eli Manning territory, Flacco.

–  If someone you’re watching the game with claims they “only watch for the commercials.”

–  If someone you’re watching the game claims they’re “only here for Beyonce.”
(*Author’s note: 5 bonus drinks if that person is you.  Pervert.)

–  Anytime you hear the term “pistol offense.”
(*Author’s note: Please designate a driver.)

–  **SUPER-SKANKY GODADDY.COM COMMERCIAL ALERT**

–  The announcers refer to the Aldon Smith/Justin Smith duo as “The Smith Brothers” and a non-football fan watching the game asks, “Are they really brothers?”

–  If Kaepernick keeps the ball on a zone-read, doesn’t look like he’s running that fast, but suddenly is doing 22 MPH down the sidelines for a big gainer.

–  If Anquan Boldin goes over the middle for a nice catch and the announcers fall over themselves talking about his willingness to go over the middle.

Take Three Drinks:

–  Anytime you hear New Orleans-style jazz music, like we’ve stumbled into the credits of Treme.

–  If Flacco throws a cannon-armed deep ball that makes you think he’s worthy of this fake Wikipedia nickname I discovered before they took it down:

–  If Joseph Vincent “Elite Dragon” Flacco throws a pick that is neither elite nor dragon-esque.

–  If Kaepernick hits Randy Moss on a pass.
(*Author’s note: bonus 3 drinks if Moss proceeds to act like he’s mooning the crowd and/or runs over a parking attendant after the game.)

–  If they show any of this interview for your enjoyment:

–  If Jay-Z steps onto the stage with Beyonce during halftime and shuts the whole Super Bowl down for an ill rap break.

–  If you can hear me getting hyper-crunk and screaming, “Awwwwwww, yeaaaaahhhhh.”  Like a crappy hype-man when Jay-Z steps onto the stage.

–  When Beyonce gyrates all over the stage and you realize you might, in fact, not be ready for that jelly.

–  If you try to decipher the Roman Numerals of Super Bowl XLVII and just end up Googling it.

–  Anytime anyone mentions Ray Lewis’ impending retirement/”riding off into the sunset”/emotional leadership/last hurrah.

–  Anytime the the broadcast team mentions the fact that Ray Lewis may or may not be hopped up on more deer antlers than a game of Big Buck Hunter.

–  If, during the course of the game you suddenly realize that Jim Harbaugh’s most famous relative isn’t actually John Harbaugh.  It’s Screech from Saved by the Bell!

Chug It. . .Chug It. . .:

–  If Jim Harbaugh throws his marker necklace into a crowd and a confused New Orleans-ian (*Author’s note: Oreleansite?  Orleanser?  Orlander?) flashes him out of habit.

–  When you realize that you’ve been forever mentally scarred by your 2 month stint as a dishwasher/un-licensed cook/cigarette-and-energy-drink Gofer for a place called Da Cajun Shak and that any images of Cajun food and/or life make you scathingly bitter and furious about all things Louisianan.  Oh, is that just me?  Damn. . .I better get a 30 pack.

–  Anytime they show the 49ers’ top secret, game-changing weapon on the sidelines: this guy.

FIN

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Comments
  1. d says:

    I lost it when I read the caption “I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing. . .” on the collage of Ray Lewis poopfaces.

  2. Ray 'Ray-Ray' Lewis says:

    First an foremost I just want to say ‘Thank you God…no weapon or burn poetry collage formed against me shall prosper…it’s just amazing *starts crying* at what The Lord can do…he did this…he said ‘Ray, you are a warrior…a class act…go out and show the world*’ just special man! I couldn’t do it with out my team, the fans, Deer Antl….De’Anthony my personal trainer.’

    *Disclaimer* Ray ray may or may not have been high on Antler Spray.

    • Burnpoetry says:

      Wow, Ray-Ray. It’s truly an honor to have you stop by the blog. Let me just say, you totally slayed me with those jokes. Ummm. . .not to imply that you would kill anything. Er, well. . .thanks for reading.

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