Burnpoetry Presents: The ONAs (Other NFL Awards)

Posted: January 31, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The NFL awards ceremony is this Saturday.  They’ll be giving out boring, played out awards, like “MVP” and “Rookie of the Year.”  That’s all well and good.  Will I probably watch?  Sure.  If for nothing else other than watching Alec Baldwin roast some of the guys who I watch every Sunday and to hate-Tweet about all the weird suits and fake-glasses that will probably make their appearances among the younger players.  But what awards should really be handed out at the end of the year?  What awards does the NFL secretly hand out when there are no cameras rolling or glitzes glamming?

Burnpoetry investigated and found a secret, underground awards show.

Location: An underground mountain lair, so perfectly hidden that only Nicolas Cage could find it by stealing the NFL Collective Bargaining agreement and deciphering the invisible code off the back with lemon juice, heat, and Angelina Jolie’s dad.

Host: Billy Baldwin.  Not quite as cool as Alec, or even Stephen, but hey, the world needs Cooper Mannings, too.

Red Carpet Ceremony Hosted by: This girl.

Now that the semantics are out of the way, Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry: your 2013 Other NFL Awards.

Indelible, Burned-Into-Your-Corneas-Like-an-Acid-Stamp Image of the Year:
Rex Ryan’s tattoo.

I have to warn you, if you’re about to check out the image below.  You can’t un-see this.

This hideous prison-tat-esque ink-job on the New York Jets’ head coach made the rounds earlier this winter and it has forever altered the way I view tatoos in the NFL.  Sure, Colin Kaepernick might have the most tats on a quarterback’s arm that we’ve ever seen, but this little number (*Author’s note: which appears to be a pantsless Mrs. Ryan doing a Tebow pose while wearing a Jets jersey) is now the standard bearer for all NFL tattoos.  As for the fact that Ryan’s wife looks like Lois from Family Guy a little, or the fact that she is Tebowing in a Sanchez jersey?  It just serves as a microcosm for how the year went for the Jets: confusing, depantsed, and poorly drawn up.

The Ed Hochuli Referee of the Year Award:
Ed Hochuli, for the 22nd year in a row

No shock here.  Hochuli is the Meryl Streep of winng the Ed Hochuli.  He straight up dominates.  He was featured on the cover of Spors Illustrated.  He’s more ripped than half of the players in the league.  Congress has been looking to pass comprehensive gun reform laws simply so he cannot wield his biceps in public areas. When reached for comment, Hochuli would only say, “I need a spotter.”

The Save of the Year:
Ndamukong Suh. . .on Louie Anderson.

Bear with me, here, people.  This story only broke a few days ago and it’s so weird and convoluted that we’re all still trying to make sense of it.  Apparently Ndamukong Suh saved Louie Anderson’s life.  They were both on one of those “Please refer to me as a celebrity.  Please, please, refer to me as a celebrity.  No, seriously, I’m desperate to retain fame” shows where some D-list entertainers and some bored athletes decide to pony up their dignity and compete in a diving competition.  Anderson, famous as much for his annoying drone as he is for his Equator-sized girth, apparently got exhausted after doing too many two-and-a-half pike dives (*Author’s note: and by “pike dives” I mean, cannonballs) and ended up sinking to the bottom of the pool.

Who swooped in to the rescue?  Suh.  What strange, bizarro universe do we live in where Louie Anderson and Ndamukong Suh not only swim in the same “competition” but Suh has to go all David Hasselhoff on everyone and pull him in to safety?  You got me.  But Suh needs some good press.  Here’s his award.

Wookie of the Year:
Brett Kiesel

Forget taking deer antler spray, like Ray Lewis.  I’m pretty sure Brett Kiesel is infusing his own DNA with that of the majestic Wookie species.  You be the judge.  I expect this to be an epidemic that’s infesting all areas of the game within a minimum of 2 years.  Your move, Roger Goodell.

Chewkieselacca

The Gisele Bundchen Most Talked About WOG (Wife or Girlfriend) of an NFL Player Award:
(**PREEMPTIVE STRIKE ALERT**)
Lennay Kekua, AKA This guy:

What, Manti Te’o’s not in the NFL yet?  So what.  You’re tired of hearing me right on and on about the bizarre, ridiculous, insanity that is Manti Te’o getting Catfished?  Wait until he gets drafted.  Make no mistake, though, his fake Boo is already the most talked about, Tweeted on, discussed WOG in the NFL.  And he’s not even in the NFL yet.  Besides, I hadn’t made a dumb Lennay Kekua joke in about 2 days.  I was long overdue.

FIN

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