Welcome to Glen Davis’ NBA Pause-Face/GIF-Collage: The Sistine Chapel of GIFfery

Posted: January 29, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve long been a Glen “Big Baby” Davis hater.  He’s pudgy.  He’s obnoxious.  He’s more fake-intense than even Kevin Garnett or Ray Lewis could tolerate.  For those of you who don’t know Davis, he first became the object of my derision when playing for the Boston Celtics and making several Shrek references.  He claimed that he and then-Celtics guard, Nate Robinson, were like “Shrek and Donkey.”  It’s pretty much all been downhill from there for the player formerly known as “Big Baby.”

In the NBA, there are only a few guys  who can legitimately challenge Chris Bosh for GIF-er of the year.  There are only a few players who can step into the lofty stratosphere of insane pause-faces that currently is occupied by only one part-man, part-dinosaur: Bosh.  But recently, the body of work by Big baby has been something to behold.  There’s been dude kissing, weird tongue wagging, and lot’s of insane pause-faces.

Some of these are older GIFs and pictures, but he’s has such a long lineage of great GIF-faces and obnoxious pictures that think of this as when the Academy Awards finally gave Martin Scorsese his much-over due win in the Best Picture category.  Sure, Bosh might be the current king, but there’s a storm rising in Orlando.

Ronald Glen Davis is coming, VeBoshiraptor.  Protect your neck, son!

We don’t want to start you off too fast.  Even the fastest runners still need a pretty lengthy warmup before they’re ready to go at top speed.  So, here, we’ll give you the “two laps” of Glen Davis pictures.

–  Taken after the Celtics won the NBA Championship this was just one of several creepy, semi-seductive(?) poses that Davis hit after getting his moment alone.  His shit-eating grin, his feet kicked into the air, he looks more like a tweenage girl at a slumber party talking about “The new guy in algebra” than an NBA champion.

–  Here’s another moment where Glen Davis’ fake-intensity got turned up to remarkable levels.  Shown here sprinting down the court at fat miles per hour, Davis shoves a kid out of his way so he can scream at the sidelines a little better.  Was the kid on the court?  Was he in Davis’ way?  Not really.  Davis just swerves way off the actual playing court, showing the equilibrium of a Spring Breaking Frat Brother leaving the party porch as he pushes aside a child.

–  Here he is, moments after — brace yourselves for this shocking revelation — screaming a bunch.  And, yes, that is a long string of drool.  Your eyes are not deceiving you.  But where, oh where, would he get such an overabundance of saliva?  What vast reserves of slobber does he tap into to dampen his mouth to Lou Holtzian levels?  I bet he licks his lips a lot. . .

–  Believe it or not, my favorite part of this GIF is actually his stat line that flashes up briefly at the bottom of the screen: 11 minutes, 2 points.  And we’re at the end of the third quarter.  Those gaudy stats are probably just the result of his on-court intensity.

–  This one here is an extreme closeup.  So let me explain to you what happened: Davis somehow got the ball, went on a slow-motion fastbreak that everyone was too tired to care about.  He then proceeded to take the ball strong to the hole and slam it home.  Wait. . .no, that’s not right, is it?  He actually proceeded to come up well short.  True story, Big Baby’s vertical was once measured at fat-feet, fat-inches high.

But, you may be saying, all of these are dumb things he did before becoming a member of the Orlando Magic.  He’s probably grown up, learned his lesson.  Maybe he isn’t acting like a first-class lunatic anymore that does inexplicable things on a nightly basis on the basketball court.  Right?  Right?!?!

–  Here he is, carrying Gerald Wallace off the court like he’s a giant armful of 20 piece Chicken McNuggets.  He carries him at least 3 steps further than necessary, and I’m not sure if he felt like he was “crossing the threshold” with Wallace or if he was finally heeding his screaming coach’s advice to “get in some extra cardio, damn it!”  Either way, I wonder what Gerald Wallace was thinking.  (*Author’s note: “Thanks?”  Probably wasn’t it.)

There Was A Lot Of Kissing In The Raptors-Magic Game

–  First, I apologize for the GIF quality, here, but this one was a little hard to find a good copy of.  Toronto Raptors center Aaron Gray just hacked Glen Davis.  It was pretty hard, but Davis isn’t exactly a frail man.  Physically, at least.  Davis does what any sane, 26-year-old man would do when fouled pretty hard in the paint: he decides to eat Gray’s face.  There are only 3 possible reasons for this face-eating/man-smooching.

1.  Glen Davis died of a massive coronary heart attack during the game.  Clogged with Pizza Hut, Doritos, and Taco 12-Packs, his heart finally gave out.  But instead of falling to the floor, Davis immediately became ZombieGlen Davis and found himself jonesing for some human flesh.  What we’re witnessing here is the start of the Zombie NBA apocalypse.  Somebody call Aaron Gray and confirm that he’s still alive.  Hurry.

2.  Aaron Gray still had some leftover Alfredo sauce in his man-scruff/beard.

3.  That’s just Davis being Davis, son.

And just in case you were having trouble believing that they actually came into facial contact with one another, here’s the final piece to this puzzle.  Here’s the final brushstroke on The Mona Lisa of Pause-Face/GIF painting.

Andddd...yeah, that's pretty much what happened. SEXY.

FIN

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Comments
  1. Hannah says:

    I love Big Baby for all the reasons you listed above, and in fact own a Celtics #11 jersey. Thank you for the GIFs.

    • Burnpoetry says:

      Hahaha. Well, to each their own. I left out the infamous picture of him sobbing on the bench, but I’m sure he’d be moved to that teary face once again by your support.

  2. d says:

    This is some stomach turning, agony inducing, revolting, sick NBA action. What satanic impulses drive a man to such depths of depravity?

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