Ways to Punish Lance Armstrong

Posted: January 21, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Lance Armstrong sat, stone-faced, across from Oprah Winfrey a few days a few days ago, buried in the bowels of her secret mountain lair.  He didn’t seem particularly contrite.  He didn’t seem like he was a man bereft with guilt or that he believed he had defiled the very sport that catapulted him to millions of dollars and a spot in the nation’s heart.  He just seemed kind of angry.  Kind of hard.  Like everything he had done — every battle fought and brutal mile pedaling uphill in Texas heat — had honed him into such a lethally fine point that he couldn’t help but stab us.  But, no.  He didn’t seem very sorry.

And that’s fine by me.  I’ve made my piece that the athlete I once knew was, indeed, a cheater-cheater.  A pumpkin-eater of the first degree.  That’s fine.  His motivations behind that, his journey that led him down that dark path, those are things for experts and psychologists and Oprahs to debate.  One quote from his interview did stick out to me, however:

“I deserve to be punished. Not sure I deserve a death penalty.”

You see, Lance has been banned from Cycling for life.  Some might think that’s harsh, some might think it’s deserved, and somewhere Pete Rose is drinking heavily in a corner booth and shouting at the T.V. “Welcome to the club!”

But if Lance doesn’t deserve the death penalty, what does he deserve?  Even he thinks he deserves some kind of punishment.  So, if Lance isn’t quite sure what he deserves as penance for his cheating, I think I just might be able to help him out.

Here are a few ideas I have for ways we can punish Lance Armstrong without giving him “The Death Penalty.”

–  Make him ride the entire Tour de France on a tandem bike with Rick Ross on the back seat.

Punishment idea #1.

Punishment idea #1.

–  Make him star in a new reality show on Vh-1 that puts him in a 4 bedroom condo with Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco, Marion Jones, and Ben Johnson.  But, wait, you say. . .that’d be five people.  You’re damn right it would be five people.  Lance would have to sleep in bunkbeds.  With Barry Bonds.

Punishment #3

Punishment #3

–  Force him to ride through all 50 states on a big wheel.

–  He will be required to grow out his hair to look just like Dennis Quaid from the bike-racing movie, Breaking Away.

–  Tell him he can race again, if he can accomplish the impossible: If he can re-shirt his BFF Matthew McConaughey,

–  Make him give a nationally televised apology speech where he’s dressed as a French Mime.  He will be required to mime out his entire apology and then mime out the ways in which he cheated.

Punishment Deux

FIN

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Comments
  1. […] After all these years and the fiftyleven drug tests Armstrong was required to take per month and the piles and piles of accusations that were being hurled his way by the French press and former teammates it turns out Lance Armstrong was cheating his ball off.  The media hype was immense.  The sanctimoniousness was off the charts.  Lance, for his part, didn’t appear to care all that much.  Here was my take on what I thought should be done to punish Armstrong after he admitted to doping for so long… […]

  2. […] After all these years and the fiftyleven drug tests Armstrong was required to take per month and the piles and piles of accusations that were being hurled his way by the French press and former teammates it turns out Lance Armstrong was cheating his ball off.  The media hype was immense.  The sanctimoniousness was off the charts.  Lance, for his part, didn’t appear to care all that much.  Here was my take on what I thought should be done to punish Armstrong after he admitted to doping for so long… […]

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