Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend Doesn’t Exist: Anyone Else Have a Shocking Admission?

Posted: January 18, 2013 in Sports
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We’ve covered it extensively.  Manti Te’o’s fake-dead, fake-girlfriend was fake.  He might have been Catfished.  He might have been Moby Dicked.  Whatever the case may be, the weight should be off the shoulders of other college football players/coaches.  Why don’t we all just open up our closets, drag those skeletons out and parade them around like it’s Weekend at Bernie’s 3?  C’mon, college football.  It’ll feel really good.

Who’s first at trying out this whole “truth” thing?  Anyone?

–  Bo Pelini

“I’m actually a really nice guy.  When you see me yelling things at my players on the sidelines I’m not f-bombing them.  I’m shouting out things that look exactly like the F- word.  I’m a big hockey fan.  I also have several years of undiagnosed head-trauma from my time playing saftey at Ohio State.  This has led me to having a lot of very real, very serious outbursts about how frustrated I am with the National Hockey League’s lockout.  I find myself shouting out about how much I miss the pucks.  I also love Nintendo.  My favorite game?  Duck hunter.  You’d see that I’m saying “Duck hunter”  if the ‘hunter’ part wasn’t always blurred out too.  Truck.  Chuck.  Luck.  See what I mean?”

–  Lane Kiffin

“I’m not actually that awesome.  I know, I know.  It’s hard for you to believe, too.  I get that.  It’s tough for anyone to believe that, considering  how terrifically, mountain-peak, marble-statue great I appear to be at everything.  But take if from my athletic director. . .I’m really not 100% awesome.  I’m hovering somewhere in the 99th percentile, with you mere mortals.”

–  Johnny Football

“My last name’s actually Manziel.  What, you mean you knew that?  Well, shit, that was my only revelation.”

–  Kenjon Barner

Ken:  “Our name’s actually pronounced ‘Ken Jon’ Barner.”

Jon:  “And that’s because I’m actually two people.  We are identical twins.”

Ken:  “Coach Kelly has been using us to keep opponents off balance.  We wear the same jersey number and look almost exactly the same.  No one has noticed.”

Jon:  “Thank you, Manti.  For allowing us the freedom to come forward.”

–  Mack Brown

“I’m through denying it.  I’m actually from New Hampshire.  This southern drawl?  It’s all an act.  I learned how to speak like this by watching hours and hours of Slingblade.

–  Montee Ball

“I’m not sure how to pronounce my own first name.  It’s a serious affliction that affects only 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 star running backs.  I will, henceforth, be changing my first name to Sohard, in the hopes that dyslexics everywhere will get the joke.  A gamble, I know.  But that’s a risk that, frankly, I have to take.”

–  A.J. McCarron

“Two days after the National Championship game, Brent Musburger started dating my girlfriend.”

–  Bill Snyder

“I am 2,000 years old.  Kansas State University has discovered the way to keep me immortal.  Sure I may look exactly like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons but, hey, when you consider the fact that I was Jesus’ Pop Warner coach, I think I look pretty good.  All the university has to do is supply me with the fresh brains of living humans and a nice, cool, cryogenic chamber for me to retire to every night after feasting on human flesh and I can coach forever.  Do you hear me?!?!  FOREVER!!!!”

–  Brady Hoke

“Artie Lange and I routinely switchlives throughout the season and no one knows.  Some nights, when I feel like I’ve honed my standup act enough, I’ll just call him up and we’ll swap.  Other times, if he thinks he’s got a couple good play calls, he just shoots me a text and then, kaboom!, he’s the head coach at Michigan.”

–  O.J. Simpson

“I did it.”

(*Author’s note: Whoa, wait a minute. . .how did that find its way into this post?)

–  Collin Klein

“I really have nothing to hide.  Oh, did I mention that my head coach is a 2,000 year old almost-zombie that we have to unfreeze and give human blood just so that he can survive?  There’s that, I guess.”

–  Joe Paterno

“I’m alive.”

FIN

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