National Title Game Review: Of Football, Girlfriends, and Bad Tattoos

Posted: January 8, 2013 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, it’s all over.  The college football season has come to a close.  Alabama forcefully slammed the book shut, like a petulant teen getting kicked out of class trying to make one last statement.  The hyperbole was there, cranked up to an excruciating 33.5 on the Musburger scale, but in the end?  The game didn’t deliver much.  Twitter was more excited about AJ McCarron’s girlfriend than the actual product we were witnessing on the field and Alabama was out to a hefty lead before you could say, “We need the playoffs. . . now!”  It all happened so fast that I’m not sure people even had a chance to fire up the always hilarious “toilet bowl” references.

Needless to say, it was another kind-of-terrible-to-watch BCS National Title game.  Was it the layoff?  One and half months since Notre Dame had even played an opponent.  Was it the disparity between the two teams?  Notre Dame looked completely outclassed on both sides of the ball, outcoached on the sidelines, and out-tattooed by McCarron.

Whatever the reason, this was another forgettably dominant performance by a team that is almost too good to enjoy watching.

I’m a proud Saban-hater.  I lead the charge to bring up his botched stint in the NFL and his disgraceful departure from the Miami Dolphins.  I love pointing out that if you just change the “b” to a “t” in his name then you’ll see his true colors come out.  I love pointing out that some of his players seem to speak some rudimentary, Cromagnon-style mashup of English and mushmouthian gibberish and that he’s clearly concerned about educating these young men.  I love referencing the fact that he’s the only coach who can beat Bo Pelini at his own attempted-verbal-genocide of the local media.  But none of that really matters, does it?  He just keeps winning.  And winning.

While Saban appears outwardly to enjoy his job as much as an alcoholic bartender, there must be something bringing him back.  Competitive fire?  Stadium-fulls of cash?  Whatever the case may be, last night we witnessed the best in the business at the top of his game.

Other Items of Note:

–  Pretty good thing we didn’t give Manti T’e’o the Heisman right?  He was, what, the 6th best player on the field at any given time?  Behind the entire offensive line of Alabama.  He did however, definitively have a better popularly referenced Tat than McCarron.

–  “Dude, Jesse Williams has some awesome tattoos.  I bet that cost him at least 2 team trophies and 4 autographs.” – Ohio State players.

–  While Alabama was winning their 3rd national title in 4 years, there was another dynasty in the making on Monday night: the now-legendary combo of McCarron’s Mom/Girlfriend.  When this duo first hit the HD screens of America, I knew we were in for trouble.

In the history of over-exposed family members/spouses/famous-alumni-who-don’t-actually-matter-to-the contest-at-all, no one had ever approached the Magic-Lupe Line of Demarcation before.  This line, established from 2000-2010 by the apex-of-the-vortex duo of Magic Johnson and Michigan State Coach Tom Izzo’s wife, Lupe during the Spartans’ final four runs, had never before been challenged.  It was hallowed ground.  It was Wilt’s 100 points in a single game.  It was Edwin Moses’ 107 consecutive finals wins in the 400 Hurdles.

On Monday night, the McCarron’s Mom/Girlfriend combo toed the line.  They climbed the snowy peaks of Mount Toomuchtimeontv and planted their own flag.  They established a firm base camp a healthy 3/4 of the way up to the Magic-Lupe Line of Demarcation.  IN ONE NIGHT!!  When Alabama plays Texas A&M next season, whomever’s covering that game will more than likely have at least 4 cameras entirely devoted to Johnny Football’s girlfriend and the tag team champions of Monday night’s National Title game: McCarron’s Mom/Girlfriend.  Welcome to hell, football fans.

(*Author’s note: below is my highly scientific graph, displaying the Magic-Lupe Line of Demarcation.)




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