Fantasy Basketball Players, here are some of Burnpoetry’s Deep, Deep Sleeper pickup options.  In fact, they might not be sleepers. . .they might actually be dead.  Frankly, I’m not sure why they’re still available to pick up.  Perhaps ESPN knows something that the rest of us don’t?  Or, perhaps, the fantasy league gurus running this site are hoping that maybe someone will get drunk enough to think they’ve somehow stumbled into a wormhole vortex that has transported them through time and that they need to pick up Yao Ming in their 2005 Fantasy League while listening to Pretty Ricky songs.  Yeah, probably that last one.

Think of these guys as Cryogenically frozen for interstellar space travel sleepers.  Better yet, think of these guys as fantasy basketball’s version of The Expendables 2.

Yao Ming:           0% owned in ESPN Leagues

– The one-time All-Star is still floating around out there, just waiting to make a comeback.  What were you expecting, a funeral?  He’s probably drinking a beer and eating fried chicken right now.


(*Author’s note: that’s an actual Yao Ming quote from 2010.  I hope he fired his translator after that one.)

Besides, China’s doing well right now and Yao just might ride that wave of success into a Jordan-esque comeback.  With Yao gone, Jeremy Lin has had a Great Wall-sized pile of Asian pressure piled on him.  Now, even though Yao’s feet are probably flatter than a pancake under a sumo’s foot and he probably moves as gracefully as a hungover zombie, maybe it’s time to pick him up.  Just in case.  Hang in there, Jeremy Lin. . .Yao’s on the way!

Brian Scalabrine:           0.1% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  Scalabrine is still available and if your League awards fantasy points in the Excitable Bench Guy Who Loves High Fiving, the Number of Games Spent Wearing Dress Clothes Instead of a Jersey or the Awkward Honky Who is Constantly Mistaken by T.V. Viewers as an Assistant Coach categories, than you’re in luck!  The real question here is. . .who actually owns this guy?  Who are these super-elites that are in such an exclusive club that not even the dastardly “1%” can get in?  My 2 guesses?  Either:

A)  The 0.1% of people who were like, “Man you know who really killed it in Dr. Doolittle 2?  Brian Scalabrine.”  Only to find out, post-draft, that they were actually thinking of Scalabrine’s clone, Michael Rapaport and that they’d just blown a pick based on a terrible movie they enjoyed.  Or,

B) The Scalabrine family.

Jacque Vaughn:           0.1% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  Vaughn is currently the head coach of the Orlando Magic.  So what’s to stop him from going all way-way-less-good Bill Russell on us and player-coaching the Magic to an insane post-Dwight renaissance?  Let’s not forget that Jacque Vaughn was the Big 8 Conference Player of the Year.  In 1996.  Who might be the 0.1% of people who are still hanging onto Jacque?  Probably the French.

Wally Szcezerbiak:           0.0% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  What, no one has room for a dude so white that his first name is “Wally?”  What, no one knows how to spell his last name so they make the egregious mistake of not picking him up in the 6th round as a potential stat-stuffing 3-point guru that would make Steve Novak look like Dwight Howard from the free throw line?  What, the Knicks maxed their roster out on guys who’re older than hell?  What, haven’t you all seen this photo?  This picture alone merits a pickup in most leagues.

Damon Stoudamire:           0.0% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  There was day when Damon Stoudamire was the face of a franchise, taken as the first-ever pick by the Toronto Raptors.  There was a day when Stoudamire was good enough to win Rookie of the Year and be mentioned in a rap song by Master P.  That day is long past.  But who’s to say that he won’t give up his gig as an assistant coach at the University of Memphis and try to bring back the Jailblazers?  Pick him up now, while you still can.

Peja Stojakovic:           0.1% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  Stojakovic, or as my friend Ben calls him, “PJ Stojo”, is still floating around in 99.9% of all ESPN fantasy leagues.  This Serbian Sniper is only 35.  He’s 6’10” and one of the most devastating NBA Jam 2003 players you will ever see.  I still have nightmares of PJ Stojo racing to a hot-spot and canning 7-pointers on me all day.  Nightmares, I tell you.  Plus, doesn’t the league need more dudes who look completely stoned strictly because of their beards.  Look at the below photo.  Is he high?  Probably not.  But don’t tell his facial hair that.

Shaquille O’Neal:           0.1% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  He’s available. . .you’re available. . .let’s make this happen.  He’s healthier than Andrew Bynum and probably capable of growing a better ‘fro.

Who does Shaq think should pick him up this year?

Jerrid Famous:           0.0% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  Not famous enough.

Chukwudiebere Maduabum:           0.0% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  I’m shocked that more people didn’t type in this guy’s name in the “search” function to pick him up.  Apparently he goes by Chu Chu.  I have now become a giant Chukwudiebere Maduabum fan in the hopes that he’ll get back into someone’s lineup, turn into the next African shot-blocking machine and we can all him Chublocka.  Sure the PA announcer would sound like he’d been drinking hard liquor all night and just eaten a peanut butter sandwich when he was trying to pronounce his name after a big play.  But the potential to play some Quad City DJ’s “Come On Ride the Train” after he made a big play so people could do the stupid dance and “Choo-Choo” motions?  Priceless.  Damn, I may have just talked myself into picking him up.

Marcus Cousin:           0.0% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  He’s only a “De” and an “s” away from being a damn good fantasy pickup.  (*Author’s note: there were 23 pictures of DeMarcus Cousins before you got to an actual picture of Marcus Cousins when Google imaging him.  I bet he gets that a lot.)

Darius Miles:           0.0% Owned in ESPN Leagues

–  Little known fact: Darius Miles once scored 47 points in an NBA game.  Little-er known fact: In 2004, Miles starred in a movie alongside Scarlett Johansson that was so bad that it only made $2 Million dollars more than he got on his contract with the Blazers that same year (*Author’s note: $10 Mill).



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