What a great weekend for football fans.  We had upsets and downsets and BCS turbulence that bounced and jangled us about like the passengers in that new Denzel movie, Flight.  Which, in case you were wondering, is awesome.  (*Author’s note: and, no, I haven’t seen it.  But it’s got DENZEL!  The man’s name should legally be changed so that it’s in all caps.  Someone reading this, please confirm that this movie is awesome.  Also, please confirm that John Goodman kills it in his role, whatever that role may be.)  There was so much football that I’m going to do my best to break down just a tiny sliver of it.  We’ll start with my beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers.

Through it all the Nebraska Cornhuskers figured out how to keep things interesting.  Not literally, though.   Because the game itself was about as fascinating as C-Span 2 in a non-election year.  The Huskers managed to “keep things interesting” against an overmatched Iowa team that was starting their 18th string tailback and has been in a just-capped-by-a-poacher’s-double-barrel tailspin for months, in the usual painful way: they played to their competition’s level.  In eking out a hideous 13-7 win that would make Medusa look like a Victoria’s Secret model, the ‘Skers clinched a spot in the Big Ten championship game against Wisconsin.

The biggest takeaways from Nebraska’s game against our Dehydrated-Urine-and-Black clad neighbors to the east?

1.  Eric Martin: Kamikaze.  He plays like one.  He plays like someone who’s chugged a bunch of them.  He’s reckless.  He’s fierce.  He’s the defensive edge rusher we’ve been missing for two years now and suddenly he’s found a way to channel that insane intensity into being a disruptive force instead of the guy that’s so geeked up he overruns the play on every down.  He plays the defensive end position like he’s just gotten a Pulp Fiction adrenaline shot to the heart.  We need him to continue to improve, continue to wreak havoc in the backfields of the opposition for the rest of the year.  Let’s just hope that some of the younger D-Ends are taking notes.

2.  Rexual Healing: The Burkhead’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble.  Was that the Rexbox 360 out there moving piles of Iowa Hawkeyes with nothing more than gritted teeth and a fat knee brace?  Did anyone else see Pepsi Rext out there slamming into defenders like a human cannonball?  Because I could’ve sworn I just saw Deus Rex Machina playing like the man we’ve all come to know and love (*Author’s note: and for the ladies?  I actually mean love).

3.  The Huskers are fumbling at an alarming rate.  There’s no pun here.  No weird ‘80s movie reference or obscure song lyric.  We just need to stop fumbling the F-ing ball.

Unrural Meyer and the Buckeyes Beat Michigan

Prior to Saturday’s game, Michigan QB Denard Robinson claimed that the Ohio St.- Michigan game was “The real Big Ten Championship Game.”  Which is a lot like a girl telling her friend who just got dumped for a prettier, smarter, more interesting girl, “No. . .you’re, like, way prettier than her!  She is so not good with him.”  And, lest we forget, Denard did also say that he could beat Usain Bolt in a footrace.  “Shoelace” probably leaves his shoes untied for easier digestion when he’s putting his foot in his mouth.

Before anyone goes getting all misty-eyed and choked up with emotion about Ohio State’s useless undefeated season, as they have no postseason due to NCAA probation, just remember that no coach has probably deserved NCAA Probation more without getting any, than Unrural Meyer.  We’ll see how his teams in Columbus fair in the coming years, but they do figure to be very, very competitive.  And full of convicts.

Moving on:

And Now, A Bunch of Dumb Jokes About Bill O’Brien Going Poop-Mouth on a Sideline Reporter

–  Now, that’s what I call “tough love.”

–  And people say that Bo Pelini is a jerk to the media?

–  Is this a sideline interview, or a Friar’s Club Roast?

–  “He said ‘folkers’. . .yeah, that’s it.  He said ‘folkers’.  You know, like ‘these guys are just hard workin’ folks’.  Folkers” – Penn State Athletic Department

–  Veronica Corningstone probably put that on the teleprompter to set him up.

–  I’ve called Penn State the same thing, many times.

–  You know you’ve had a rough year when a coach accidentally f-bombing his own team on national T.V. literally doesn’t matter to anyone.  At all.

Suh Finally Gets Another Chance to be a Kicker

Ndamukong Suh finally got another chance to get back to his childhood roots of soccer this past weekend.  No, he didn’t get a chance to punt for the Lions.  Nor did he get a shot at kicking another PAT.

No.  Ndamukong Suh has been getting a bunch of run for kicking some other. . .how can I put this delicately?. . .balls.

Did Suh mean to do it?  You be the judge.  I’m not one to accuse one of my All-Time favorite players of Steven Seagal-ing another man’s junk with a cleated ninja kick to the groin since I’m enormously and unapologetically biased.  At this point, however, Suh’s reputation precedes him.  He’s not viewed as dirty.  He’s viewed as dirtiest.  The NFL is going to review the play to determine what course of action to take and Suh’s likely in for some kind of punishment, be it a fine or otherwise.

If the NFL is going to review this I have a few questions about the process.  Can you imagine being in on the review committee for this?  Who are they going to call in to specially consult on this one?  Steve-O?  Whose job will it be to watch slow-mo after slow-mo of foot to crotch and how much are they getting paid?  Will they use actors to create a dramatic reenactment of the incident like a scene from America’s Most Wanted?   Will anyone in the room be able to hold back laughter of that patented “whoooooooo-ugghghgh” that all guys reflexively do when someone catches a kick to the unit?

My main concern about the incident is that Dick’s Sporting Goods will pull sponsorship of Suh.  Get it?  Get it?

FIN

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