(*Author’s note: Nebraska fans have already been drinking heavily to cope with their favorite teams’ seeming deathwish.  However, if the Minnesota game goes like I think it could, you might need something to do to pass the time.  What better way to do it than by smashing some brews?  Here are your instructions.  Good luck, Husker Nation.)

Take 1 Drink:

–  If you hear the phrase “Driver’s Seat” to describe Nebraska’s current position in the Big Ten Legends Division.
–  If you hear the phrase “Control their own destiny” to describe Nebraska’s current position in the Big Ten Legends Division.
–  If they show that one dude in the stands who’s dressed like a Cornhusker version of Pancho Villa.  Big ups, that guy, the TV loves you and so do I.
–  Each time they show Rex Burkhead standing on the sidelines and you feel like openly sobbing about how unfair it is that such a good guy could have such a terrible, Godawful end to his brilliant career.  What?  I can’t be the only one that feels like we’re a state in mourning until Burkhead gets his next TD, am I?
–  Anytime the cameras hit Jerry Kill up with a closeup and you confuse him with the Minnesota mascot.  No.  Seriously.

–  Anytime the national media continues to struggle with their HFFA Syndrome (*Author’s note: Hot From Far Away Syndrome) and gushes about Taylor Martinez a little too effusively.  The national media is the guy at the bar who sees a girl across the room with a body like Flo-Jo and, if he would take the time to get closer, he’d realize that she’s got a face like Frodo.  Sure there’re some good-to-great things about her, but she’s absolutely not a 10.
–  When Kenny Bell’s afro blocks out the sun and you think there’s a Solar Eclipse occurring.
–  You find yourself screaming at the T.V. “Just get rid of the F-ing ball, Martinez!”
–  If Brett Maher brutally shanks a punt that travels 12 yards.
–  If Brett Maher crushes a punt that travels 60 yards.
–  When you realize that Brett Maher has been abducted by aliens and this new clone-replacement, AlienBrett Maher, hasn’t quite figure out how to use the enormous leg talent that it was genetically given.

Take 2 Drinks:

–  When Eric Martin Gets a sack.
–  When the Cameras zoom in on Bo Pelini and he’s screaming so intently that the only human being that could challenge him, rage-for-rage, would be Samuel L. Jackson.
–  If the Husker defense looks completely and utterly unprepared for the offense to snap the ball. . .as the opponent’s snapping the ball.
–  If Chase Rome makes a play and you hear me complaining about it loudly from atop my soap box.
–  Anytime the announcers make sure we all know that MarQueis Gray used to play quarterback for Minnesota.
–  The Huskers make another mind-numbing penalty.
–  If Ciante Evans makes another big play on defense and you realize that our secondary might be on their way to something big. . .
–  If Will Compton throws the bones.


–  If Jamal Turner catches the ball, jukes the pants off of three defenders, appears for a fleeting moment to be the second coming of Barry Sanders, and then only gains 3 yards.
–  You hear the term, “Sea of Red.”

Take 3 Drinks:

–  If Nebraska burns an ill-advised timeout with all the fervor and recklessness of a Pyromaniac on a bender.
–  If Taylor Martinez goes to slide, changes his mind, half-slides and gets crushed into the turf at an awkward angle.
–  If Taylor Martinez gets up limping and someone nervously tries to make a breakfast cereal joke about Ron Kellogg III.
–  If a Husker defensive back keeps his back turned to the quarterback for what seems like an eternity, only to whip his head around at the last second and make a play.
–  If the broadcast references the fact that the Huskers are still behind in the All-Time series against Minnesota.
–  If the broadcasters mention that the Gophers haven’t won in Lincoln since 1960.
–  If anyone around you tries to impress you with these stats but you’re already aware of them because, damn it, you’re playing the greatest drinking game ever created.
–  If they replay the clip of Daimion Stafford f-bombing Pelini.


–  Taylor Martinez shoots through a hole in the defense and accelerates like a car in 2Fast 2Furious, post-NOS boost, and takes it to the house.
–  Ameer Abdullah makes that soul-devouring black hole in your heart — that’s been there since you realized this season would be Burkhead’s last – feel a little closer to mending.
–  Imani Cross gains his requisite one yard and heads back to the bench.
–  They finally, finally throw the damn ball to Kyler Reed.
–  Someone on TV or in your vicinity tries to make a pun based on Jerry Kill’s last name.

Chug it. . .Chug it. . .

–  If anyone on the broadcast mentions seizures.
–  If Bo Pelini is caught on camera looking fully prepared to commit murder.
–  If the refs make a bad call that favors Nebraska, unwittingly playing the role of pawns in a gigantic Karmic chess game in which fate is still trying to make up for the all the times Texas F-ed us over.
–  We fumble (*Author’s note: Hope you don’t mind drinking)
–  We throw an interception (*Author’s note: Hope you don’t mind drinking)
–  When you notice that Jerry Kill looks like he’s wearing more blush than a rich lady in the Victorian Age.

FIN

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