Huskers Head to Ohio to Take on Urban’s Outfit

Posted: October 4, 2012 in Sports
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Nebraska is going to the Horseshoe in Ohio State this Saturday for the first time in roughly 50 years.

I don’t need to stress how important for our program a game like this is, but I’m certainly going to do it anyway.

Beating a ranked opponent.  With a mobile QB.  On the road.  In Primetime.  These factors are what can define our program’s progress for the next few seasons.  Right now, Bo Pelini and our beloved Cornhuskers are like that little kid that keeps returning to the State Fair and boldly striding up to the measuring stick that stands at the entrance to the wild, decadent, “big kids ride.”  And every time he does – every time we do – we’re just a little too short.  Not this year.

We can hear the rushing, clangorous loop-the-loops of doom and smell the hot air blasting past as we dejectedly turn and head back to our spot in line for the Bounce Castle.  It’s agonizing.

Saturday is our chance to head back to that carnival ride yet again and see if this time, after all these days waiting and straining and hoping, we’re actually going to measure up.  Sure we’ve had a few big wins, not the least of which was our improbable come from behind win against the not-good-enough-to-be-too-excited Wisconsin Badgers in a revenge game last weekend, but none of them would do as much for morale in Husker Nation as pulling off the upset on the Buckeyes’ home turf.

Nebraska fans are in a precarious place right now.  We’re in desperate need of something to make us feel like we’re taking a step forward.  We’re not even asking for a “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” step forward, but we just want to stop feeling like we’re involved in a giant, twisted Cha-Cha Slide dance-off that leaves us jumping forward, backwards, and looking like total idiots while ending up in the same place.

If we lose on Saturday, a lot of Nebraska fans will themselves in a meth lab of emotion.  Noxious, toxic, and a hairsbreadth away from exploding.  If we lose Saturday, the Bunsen Burner that has been flickering under Bo Pelini’s seat might suddenly get turned up a few notches.  If we lose Saturday, the worst part about it is that a lot of people will just shake their heads and utter those four words that can bring program’s to their knees and start the slow-moving process of hoisting the guillotine: “Here we go again. . .”

But if we win?  Well that meth lab gets raided by a SWAT team, the Bunsen burner gets turned down by the practiced hands of your 8th grade chemistry teacher, and we find that “Hope Springs isn’t just a movie about old people doing it, but might just be the airy, light feeling of progress.

Sure Ohio State isn’t that great.  We aren’t either.  All the more reason to get a win.  Un-Rural Meyer’s programs don’t stay down for long.  Not with the  criminals 5-Star recruits he seems to land consistently.

We need this win desperately.  We need it like Dave Chappelle needs a return to television.  We need it like Italians need Jersey Shore to finally get a blessed euthanization this fall.

We need to win because Urban Meyer is kind of a douche.  And by “kind of a douche” I mean “a gigantic douche.”  (*Author’s note: I apologize to my mother for overusing the term “douche” in the last paragraph.  Oops.  But Urb is seriously an enormous Douche.  Last one, I promise.)  He’s come in with all the swagger of a gunfighter, which is good because most of his players usually have their own glocks.   He’s retired more and made more triumphant returns than a rap artist and he seems to think that the rules don’t apply wherever he’s at.

Do I hate him because he’s also an insanely good coach that seems to consistently win?  Yeah, that too.  But mainly because he seems all too eager to break h is own wrist patting himself on the back.  How great would it be to snatch his hand in mid-pat, twist it behind his back and make him kiss the turf like it was his long-lost love Tim Tebow?

We need to win so we can watch how Bo Pelini reacts.  You know he wants this game bad.  It’s his alma mater, a job that I’m sure he wanted to get that went to Urb, and we want to continue to keep a strong recruiting presence in his home state.  If we win, will he crack a smile, or continue to be combative and as vindictive about scoring a big “W” as Michael Jordan was on his way into the Hall of Fame?

We need to win because Twitter might implode into a pile of “#huskers” rubble if we don’t and, despite the fact that I hate seeing people type it almost as much as “that awkward moment when…”, we could all use a little more “GBR” followed up with 16 exclamation points and because the Kirk Herbstreit social media hatewagon might get filled to capacity if we do.

We need to win because if we don’t and I have to hear one more smug, Buckeye-on-helmet-sporting a-hole call Ohio State, “the Ohio State University” I’m going to Van Gogh off both of my ears.

We need to win because of all of these things.  I desperately want this game to go worse for Ohio than “The Decision.”  Can we pull it off?  Will we pull it off?  That remains to be seen.  There’s our carnival ride, Husker Fans.  I hope you wore your elevator insoles.



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