Bo Pelini’s Mystery Illness: Conspiracy Theories

Posted: September 18, 2012 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On Saturday Bo Pelini left the game against Arkansas State at halftime with what he, and everyone else with a microphone shoved into their face, described as “flu-like symptoms.”  It was a strange incident, to be sure, and it gave a game lacking in big-time storylines a little added interest for us sports media nerds.  Pelini was seen getting his pulse taken by a team physician on the sidelines and after heading to the locker room at halftime, instead of leading the team back onto the field, he was loaded up in an ambulance and taken to a local hospital to be evaluated.  The media immediately flew into Shark Week feeding frenzy mode, culminating with Lewis Johnson’s claims that he’d been to all 3 Lincoln, NE hospitals in a ludicrously short amount of time as he attempted to find Bo.

He was released shortly thereafter, and was back on the job on Sunday.

But what really happened?

Bo was joking and light-hearted with the media yesterday.  He was almost jovial, going from Bo Pelini to Mr. Personality in a split second, (*Author’s note: a surefire sign that something is seriously wrong) and reiterating that his health is 100% okay.  I’m not sure if I’m buying what he’s selling.  Even if he’s having a pretty good, Black Friday style sale.  Is Bo alright?  Are there more Am-Bo-Lances in his future (*Author’s note: see what I did there?  Eh?  Eh?) or is he ready to roll?  Here are a few of my best ideas as to what might actually be going on with Mr. Pelini.

Bo is Sick

I’m talking Dustin Hoffman’s hometown getting nuked because a monkey bit someone sick.  Regardless of what you think of his tactics or the way he purports himself on the field, Bo’s a tough guy.  Do you really think if he had the flu that he’d just decide to pack it in?  What if Bo’s Contagion sick?  What if he’s Gwyneth Paltrow Plague Face sick?  Seriously.  Suit up Tim Beck, Tom Osborne and Taylor Martinez in alternate-uniform haz-mat suits and let’s take care of this issue before we end up having a nuclear countdown to detonation.

In an effort to pay tribute to Bob Devaney, Bo went out and got plastered with Gus Malzahn the night before

Legend has it that Bob Devaney and Barry Switzer used to go out drinking together the night before a game, get hammered, and then lead their squads to a smash-mouth, nationally-impressive game.  Maybe Bo, in need of something to spark his current tenure, decide that he and Arkansas State coach, Gus Malzahn should head down to a local bar and get their drink on.  It didn’t go well for either of them.  Malzahn’s squad ended up looking unfocused and had trouble putting the ball in the endzone.  Bo ended up getting an IV drip of fluids.  Stick to coaching, fellas, leave the drinking to us (*Author’s note: if this was real, anyway.)

Bo was trying to pull a Hackman-in-Hoosiers

Coach Norman Dale – AKA Gene Hackman – purposely gets tossed from a basketball game in the classic sports movie, Hoosiers.  He does it to put pressure on his team, to force the assistant coach to stand up in the face of adversity, and to make a really great cinematic exit in true Hackmanian fashion.  Was Bo truly sick?  Or was he just trying to make Taylor Martinez into Jimmy Chitwood?

Taken III, starring Bo Pelini

Bo was kidnapped.

A gang of Eastern European mobsters broke into the Husker locker room, snatched Bo and hauled ass out of the stadium in the hopes of selling him on the illegal coach-trafficking market.  But when they called Tom Osborne to see about a potential ransom here was what he said, “If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money(*Author’s note: we know this is a lie, right?). But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my coach go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

They dropped Bo off at the nearest hospital, hauled their Euro-trashy hides straight to the nearest airport and the rest is extensively-covered-up history.

**Quick and Pointless Tangent Alert!!!**

What Would Bo’s Fake Name Be at a Hospital?
–  Herbert H. Usker
–  Po Belini
–  Crueneck Gumchew
–  Ron Mexico, II
–  Honey Bo Bo

FIN

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