Huskers Ignore Endangered Species List, Slay Golden Eagles

Posted: September 5, 2012 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As the first game came to a close and Husker fans started our slow descent back to sanity, easing gingerly down the peaks of Mount Memorial I couldn’t help but do something cliché.  Something tired, dead-horse-beaten, and as unoriginal as ever Katy Perry song lyric ever: I started thinking about writing a “Post game review.”  I’ve done this for several years now.  It’s practically a tradition for my little endeavor here at Burnpoetry.  So what could I do to keep it fresh?  The short answer?  Nothing.  The long answer?  Almost nothing.

Bo Pelini is a man of many faces, expressions, and gestures.  He is Italian, after all, and we can hardly breathe without making a face, swinging our hands in dictator-speech-level grandeur, or pulling irritated looks that could crack Medusa’s mirror.  I decided that not only would I write a review of how the Huskers had performed against the University of Southern Miss, but that I would get Bo to help me out.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, a picture of Pelini must be worth at least 2 grand.

So here, based on Burnpoetry’s revolutionary Bo Pelini Facial and Body Language Index Scale, is the review for the first Husker game.

Criss Tayngel Mindfreaks Everyone

In about 9th or 10th grade it would seem like every year at the beginning of school, the dudes would huddle together and  rumors would start to fly.  “You’ve got to see ______,” someone would say.  “She’s totally gotten hot.”  “No, seriously, she looks way different from last year.  In a good way.  She grew up, man.”  Then we would take to the halls, backpacks slung hiply over one shoulder, in the pursuit of this Ugly Duckling that had suddenly and miraculously gotten her swan game on under the veil of summertime secrecy.

Sometimes we would find her, seated a few uncomfortable desks away in our Government class, and the rumors would be true.  She had blossomed.  In a true testament to what a few months away could do, she had pulled a 180 and altered her own course.

Other times we’d find her, seated a few rows off in 9th Grade English and the rumors would appear to be true.  She had grown up.  She was beautiful.  Then she would raise her arm, revealing a weed-patch of tangled armpit hair, snort while laughing at the teacher’s corny joke and grin, revealing braces so gigantic and metallic that when taken off they could be used to construct an overpass.

That’s where I’m at with Taylor Martinez.

We’d heard the rumors.  “He’s put in the work this summer” someone on the coaching staff would say.  “His game is night and day.  He’s turned his passing form completely around,” someone else would assure us.  We threw our Husker hats hiply onto our heads and marched to the stadium or sat down in front of the TV to see if this herky, jerky, nasty form had taken a hard right turn towards the better.

On Saturday, we found Taylor Martinez’s game and it was a thing of beauty.  Rarely has a Husker QB ever looked more in command, perfectly utilized the mass of weapons around him in the passing game, or completely torched an opponent through the air.  His footwork was much improved, his throwing motion had smoothed out, and he had great touch on deep passes.  Duckling?  Swan?

Is anyone else terrified to see Martinez raise his hand in class.  I’m worried to see that the chink in his armor is actually that his armor is made our of papier-mâché.  I’m not rooting against Criss Tayngel and the way that he totally mind-freaked Memorial Stadium on Saturday.  I just want to cautiously approach his newfound QB skills.

Bo Pelini Facial and Body Language Scale rating of Martinez’s performance:

What the Kick?

Brett Maher was abducted by aliens and, in a governmental conspiracy rivaling any theories being thrown out by Area 51 hacks, his body was replaced by a cheap imitation clone.  This clone looked like Brett Maher.  But it didn’t kick like Brett Maher.  Clonebrett Maher went 0-2 on field goals and had one punt of 21 yards.  This is the only plausible explanation for what happened to our pre-season All-American kicker.

Bo Pelini Facial and Body Language Scale rating of Clonebrett Maher’s performance:

(*Author’s note: Bo’s as confused as the rest of us.)

Kickoff Coverage

I’ll let Bo take this one.

Bo Pelini Facial and Body Language Scale rating of Kickoff coverage:

Ameer Ameer-a On the Wall

Ameer Abdullah stepped in to fill the void after Rex Burkhead’s injury.  With Rex missing some time due to a sprained MCL, the Huskers will need to lean on the sophomore in the coming weeks to carry a good chunk of the load.  On Saturday he looked the part.  He was quick, elusive, and most importantly held onto the football.  Should he continue playing well it will go a long ways towards easing the creeping panic of a Rex-less offense, a proposition that has some Husker fans (*Author’s note: read: me.) checking-behind-the-shower-curtain-post-Psycho­-watching scared.

Bo Pelini Facial and Body Language Scale rating of Ameer’s performance:

Inglorious Blackshirts

(*Author’s note: I know, I know.  They’re maybe not technically “Blackshirts.”)  It’s easy to panic when you see the Husker defense getting hit for 185 rushing yards and letting their opponent convert on third downs 50% of the time.  It’s easier still when you see that Southern Miss’ mobile quarterback ran for 5.6 yards a carry.  While the Huskers only gave up an average of 3.9 yards per carry to the opponents as a team, the defensive line was unable to get a push up front.  It looked unnervingly similar to the defensive line play of last year that left so many fans, coaches, and pundits wondering where the intensity was.  Since it was merely the first game, let’s hope that Pelini and the defensive line coach, Rick Kaczenski, can light a fire under a line that is in dire need of some production.

Bo Pelini Facial and Body Language Scale rating of the defense’s performance:

FIN

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Comments
  1. madhat says:

    Great piece. I really enjoyed it. And let’s hope Taylor stays the “swan.”

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