Olympic Fever, Part III: 16 (Un)Bold Predictions About Tonight’s Opening Ceremony

Posted: July 27, 2012 in Pop Culture, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

(*Author’s note: Tonight will mark the opening ceremonies for the 2012 Summer Olympics.  Here at Burnpoetry, our crunk meter is firmly entrenched in the red.  The first two posts of from this Manage a trois of over-eagerness basically served as the hypeman, the Flavor Flav of postings.  Here’s the actual post.  Hope you weren’t expecting Chuck D.  If fortune favors the bold. . .this list is probably flat broke.)

–  Bob Costas will prove that he’s the HBIC (Head Broadcaster in Charge) by holding it down in the booth so decisively that Joe Buck’s stone face actually cracks itself into a frown.

–  You will get that damn Olympic theme song stuck in your head.  You just will.  Don’t fight it.

–  NBC will spend an inordinate amount of time critiquing the fashion of the Olympic teams like we’ve somehow slipped into “Fashion Week.”  (*Author’s notes: for those of you drinking, take a drink every time you hear a designer/brand name.)

–  The cameras will find, and hover on, Lolo Jones for a little longer than they really should considering that she just finished 3rd at the U.S. Olympic trials in the hurdles.  I will become enraged that she gets so much love and proceed to lecture my wife and my four-week old son about this Lolo Lovefest.  Neither of them will care.

–  The International Olympic Committee will trot out the mascots of the Olympics.  They will be an ill-advised, stuffed creation that makes you realize that all mascots should be thrown into a scrap heap and napalmed into ash.  Too extreme?  Remember this from 1996?

–  There will be at least one ancient Brit-Band explosion — featuring a group that appears to have risen from the dead and corpsed their way onto the stage for one final, celebratory appearance — onto your screen that leaves you asking 2 things: 1) “Wait, those guys are still alive?”  and 2)  “Are those actually dead bodies being controlled by fly-wire in an elaborate marionette stunt?”  (*Author’s note: Odds on favorites for these 2 leading quote-getters: The Who 6:1 and The Rolling Stones 3:1)

–  Someone you’re watching with will make a bad-teeth joke.

–  NBC will hit a Brit up with a 1080p closeup and you’ll realize whomever made the joke was probably right.

–  I’ll find myself wishing that Dick Pound was still a Vice-President of the International Olympic Committee, purely for comedic reasons.  #freedickpound (*Author’s note: just don’t actually type that into Twitter.  Who knows what would happen.  I’m not going to lie, there was a moment right before I Googled “Dick Pound” when I was really nervous as to what would appear.)

–  There will be a team from some country you’ve never heard of.  They were probably either controlled by Russia, China, or another country you’ve never heard of.  You won’t be able to find them on a map, so you might as well just Google ’em.

–  There will be a nation that has one representative.  Don’t feel bad.  Through some fluke and/or amazing skill this guy/girl gets to represent their great nation in athletic competition.  Or at least they’ll get to stay in the Olympic Village, which we’re always reminded of this time of year is a hedonistic, den of sin and orgiastic sex parties.  (*Author’s note: See, and there used to be such a hilarious Dick Pound reference here)

–  The Jamaican contingent will look like they’ve all been pounding Red Stripe and Coconut Rum to pre-game for their march.  They’ll definitely look like they’re having the most fun.  They probably are.  Just in case it isn’t clear that they’re super, super fun loving, Usain Bolt will primp, preen, and pose for the cameras like a WWE fighter in on their way to the ring.  NBC will eat it up.  I will want to vomit.

–  The cameras will do a split-screen of Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte and/or will get a shot of them walking side by side and Costas and Co. will hype the living shit out of their rivalry.  (*Author’s note: for the record, I’m definitely more of a Phelps fan.  You can’t pose like this and not have me jump ship on you.)

–  Somewhere, watching on a TV made out of goat antlers, leather-made-from-bat-wings, and the souls of mermaid children, Johnny Depp will find himself getting very excited about watching his home country host the Olympics.  He’ll then realize that he’s just been high for the last 20 years, was born in Kentucky, and needs to stop using a weird hybrid-British accent.  Tim Burton will inevitably be there too.

–  At least 4 members of Team USA Basketball will wear sunglasses during the ceremony.  (*Author’s note: Carmelo 4:1, Kobe 3:1, Coach K 60:1)

–  I will get way too excited to gorge myself on 24-hour Olympic coverage and will annoy anyone who is foolish enough to ask me about The Games with constant, ceaseless chatter.  I love the Olympics.



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