Burnpoetry Presents: A Bunch of Bad Jokes About Bobby Petrino

Posted: April 12, 2012 in Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

(*Author’s note: In case you’ve been living under a rock, or on “The Rock”, and you don’t know: Bobby Petrino, the Head Coach of Arkansas has suffered a gigantic fall from grace through a legendary jerkiness/perviness combo that would make Sean Kemp proud.  Petrino, who was consequently riding helmetless, recently crashed his motorcycle breaking some ribs and ending up in a neck brace.  Where was his helmet, you may ask?  On his 25-year-old mistress who was straddling him on the bike, who he then denied existing despite the fact that he hired her on to work for the football program, texted her more than a tweenage girl and her BFF, and gave her 20 grand in cash.  For more, potentially less biased, information you can definitely check here.)

–  I’m sure I’m the first and only person to think of this: Bobby Perv-trino.  Am I right?  Am I right?  (*Author’s note: we’re not off to a good start.)

–  After news broke of Petrino’s firing, coach Bo Pelini’s name was bandied about by a few sports outlets.  Although he denied the claims, as usual, Husker fans were worried that when Arkansas’ Athletic Director asked, “Hey, so who wants the job?” Bo wouldn’t point the finger, he’d point the thumb.

–  “These people are blowing a dangerous-motorcylce-accident-followed-by-dirty-sex-scandal thing wayyyyy out of proportion.” – Ben Roethlisberger

–  After hearing news of Petrino’s illicit affair the NCAA quickly looked through their 12,987 pages of rules to see if he had violated any.  And by quickly, I mean, they pored over it for 53 hours non-stop.

–  This whole debacle begs the question: how sleazy do you have to be to have the rest of the SEC going all holier-than-thou on you?  Seriously.  Petrino makes Cam Newton’s father, who essentially auctioned him off to the highest bidder seem like a preacher.  Wait, he is a preacher?  Oh, the SEC. . .

–  “OMG. My neck rly hrts! Hbu? U ok?  Thx 4 riding w/ me. TTYL the popo r here.” – Bobby Petrino’s text after his accident to Jessica Dorrell (*Author’s note: no, it’s really not)

–  So an unfaithful sleaze used his power, money, and prestige to get laid by a much younger woman in Arkansas?  I wonder who he should turn to for advice?

–  Over the past 7 months Perv-trino and Dorrell sent each other 4,300 text messages.  Which averages out to roughly 20 a day.  In related news, AT&T announced plan to cancel their newest promotion  for “Unlimited Any-Time Sexting”

–  Burnpoetry was able to pull some strings and get exclusive access to the only known copy of footage that exists of the fateful motorcycle ride/dirty love affair.  Here it is.  (*Author’s note: if you think Jessica Dorrell looks Asian, I’m pretty sure it’s just because the film quality is low.)

–  Among the 4,300 sext messages sent by Petrino and his lover, some were allegedly video and pictures messages.  I feel like I need to borrow Petrino’s neck brace after that violent, violent shudder just snapped my neck.

–  How do you know when you’ve officially f-ed up your life?  When this photo:

Isn’t rock bottom.  This picture is:

–  Oh, what’s that?  We’ve got more raw footage of the motorcycle accident?  Quick let’s get to it:

FIN

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Comments
  1. willyablome says:

    She may be hot, but not 13-million-worth of hot!

  2. Sue Tolles says:

    at least it was a woman and not 12 year old boys

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