5 Insane Predictions For the 3D Re-Release of “Star Wars: Episode I”

Posted: January 30, 2012 in Pop Culture
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(*Author’s note:  The hype machine is rolling around the re-release of George Lucas’ newest re-do. Burnpoetry decided to make 5 bold predictions about the latest retread of Star Wars)

1.  In a shocking re-edit George Lucas kills off Jar-Jar Binks in the first 15 minutes of the movie.

I’m an admitted Star Wars fan.  As a kid, I loved the films and definitely caught the fever when the originals were re-released to theaters in the late ’90s.

So, imagine my surprise when I set foot in the theatres for the all new Star Wars movie and found myself staring in dumbfounded, gag-reflex horror at one of the newest, central characters in the franchise: Jar-Jar Binks.

It wasn’t enough that the character seems to be named after a 4-year-old’s teddy bear.  It wasn’t enough that the sole purpose of this bumbling character was to generate laughs from the 8-10 year old demographic.  Jar-Jar ebonics’ed his way around on screen — a computer generated minstrel show — and we all sat slack-jawed with horror, mouths unhinging like a creature from Tatooine, at George Lucas’ alien version of blackface.

Lucas himself seemed to realize the blunder as Jar-Jar was featured less and less in the following movies.  Now, with the re-release of the worst Star Wars movie in the franchise, how great would it be if Lucas rewrote the script and had Jar-Jar immediately impaled by a sith Lightsaber?  Maybe even in the opening credits? 

Whacking Binks in the initial stages of the movie would be the cinematic equivalent of someone yelling, “WAKE UP!” at the snoozing captain of the the Exxon Valdez moments before the ship went careening into the rocks.

2.  “The Role of Princess Amidala Will Now Be Played by Kim Kardashian”

Natalie Portman probably doesn’t want to have much to do with the re-release.  (*Author’s note: Would you?) 

So who better to play the Black Swan to her White Swan than the always-desperate-for-attention Kimberly Kardashian, right?  In between her attempts to seduce Tim Tebow (*Author’s note: no, seriously.  Doesn’t Tebow seem. . .how should I put this. . .a little light for her tastes?  Double entendre, intentional.) and her divorce from the third best player on the Nets, she seems to be the only person on earth that  could out-publicity the Star Wars media blitz.

Which serves as a perfect segueway to. . .

3.  Princess Amidala is Caught by Chris Hansen on To Catch a Predator: Naboo Edition

Princess Amidala is older than her love interest, Anakin.  Way older.  Creepily older.  In fact, she’s kind of a perv when you break down the age gap, even attempting to take into account that Anakin is so strong in “The Force” that he is essentially interstellar jailbait.  So why not make this romance a little more realistic, a little less age-appropriate.

Who better to play a galactic cougar than a real life cougar like Kim Kardashian, whose Twitter flirtations with Justin Bieber have been borderline creepy, and who better to interrupt this inappropriate loving than Chris Hansen. 

(*Author’s note:  here’s the scene —FADE IN
Interior: Slave quarters, a young Anakin Skywalker sits tinkering with his robots.  Suddenly he looks towards the door.

Anakin–  I feel a disturbance in the force.  Something big.

Enter Princess Kimadala’s Deathstar-sized ass.  [*Secondary Author’s note: Do you get the feeling that Kim probably backs into every room she enters now?] 

The rest of her follows moments later, carrying a sixpack of Jabba-The-Hut Zima.

Kimadala–  Heyyyyy, Anni.  Wow, that’s quite a robot you have there.  The force really is strong with you.  By the way do you play any professional sports–

Qui-Gon Hansen steps out from behind his hiding place.  He uses the force and floats out a stool. 

Qui-Gon Hansen–  Why don’t you take a seat, Princess Kimadala. 

Kimadala’s makeup, already a cross between a geisha and a creepy Stephen King-like clown scrunches up into the proverbial, “Uh-oh. . .I’m going to prison” face.  Qui-Gon Hansen presses on.

Qui-Gon Hansen – So. . .who’s the Jabba-The-Hut Zima for?  Hmmm. . .?

You get the picture.  That’s what I call an updated storyline.)

4.  George Lucas Announces That He’s Completely out of Money.  No one is surprised.

George has been cranking out schlock for a few years now.  Did you really think the guy that developed Inidiana Jones and Star Wars would keep cranking out garbage?  (*Author’s note: check out this brief clip of Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear explosion by hiding out in a refrigerator.  Your head will potentially implode.) 

Maybe it will turn out that he has more illegitimate children than Shawn Kemp or that he has Mike Tyson’s accountant.  Whatever the reasoning behind his sudden and desperate needs for cash-grabs over the years, maybe this time he’ll explain himself.

5.  A crowd watching the movie will all become drastically ill after seeing Jar-Jar Binks’ slobberingly moronic head in gigantic, extreme 3D closeup.  Two elderly moviegoers will have their heads explode and 16 nerds who all came dressed up as storm troopers will go insane and riot in the streets.  This disaster, which will come to be known as “the Day 3-D died” will end the obnoxious, money-grubbing trend completely.  George Lucas will get sued in a massive class action lawsuit and will release Indiana Jones and the Redtails, a disastrous cross-promotional movie, that he will try to use to recoup his losses.  It will star a now-coked-out Shia Labeouf and Nick Cannon with his love interest being played by Mariah Carey.  After the release, George Lucas is relegated to directing Iced Tea ads and music videos for L.M.F.A.O.

FIN

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